You want me to go WHERE??? (or, But I don't know where that is!)

Well, that wasn't how things were supposed to come together. As many of you know, my wife and I were bound for Kansas City this Summer. A PMS (professor of military science) assignment awaited us. We were very much looking forward to the upcoming three years of stability that come with such an assignment. Further, it provided a nice and easy transition into retirement as the PMS position would take us right to 20 years. We'd already been house hunting and were looking forward to a trip out there in April to actually buy a house. Add to that the fact that I already have some family out there along with a ton of friends at the church we attended, and you can imagine how much I was looking forward to this. Everything was coming together nicely and we getting very excited about the move. The PMS assignment was set in stone and we were simply waiting on the calendar to change to June. That is, until this past Sunday.

Now, you may or may not know that change and uncertainty are things that I really don't enjoy. It's always been one of my biggest fears that we'd get a late night call and be sent packing off to some place that I really never wanted to go to. Such was the case on Sunday, January 29th. A quick email was followed by a quick phone call and just like that, Kansas City was no longer our destination. It amazes me how something that was so certain can be completely reversed in a matter of minutes. Monday morning, the "official" call came in. Where are we going now? I'm glad you asked. My wife was offered (and accepted) a battalion command at Goodfellow AFB in San Angelo, TX. Don't know where that is? Neither did I. I'm still not sure I know exactly where it is. I do know that it is over an hour from the NEAREST INTERSTATE. That's right: It's close to the middle of nowhere. So in the space of about 20 minutes, I went from being headed to a major metropolitan area to headed for a small, isolated town. Ouch.

What's more, our 3 year plan seems to have changed now as well. We've gone from 3 years of PMS and then retirement to battalion command and then who-knows-what. As you can imagine, I'm still in a bit of shock over all of this. That said, there are some takeaways. First, I couldn't be more proud of my wife. A battalion command is pretty much the pinacle of an Army officer's career. A few go on to higher commands, but most don't. It is something she had always dreamed of and wanted, and when she was passed over back in the Spring and we decided on PMS, it was disappointing for her for a little while. But she'd moved beyond that and was ready for college life again. Now, she get's to do what she's always dreamed of. Few can say that.

Second, opportunities to make a dream come true are rare and absolutely must be embraced. After she got off the phone Sunday night, she told me what she'd been offered. And, as much as I really, REALLY, don't want to go to Texas (sorry to those of you who are residents and/or fans of Texas, I'm just not one of them) I looked her in the eyes and said "you have to take this." It wasn't a matter of "well, let's pray about this" or "let's give it some thought". No, something like this is a simple (even if not altogether joyous) decision.

So, what am I to do? I can choose one of three paths. First, I can dread this move to a small town in western Texas that is fairly isolated. I can look on this as two years of difficulty and life in a place I'd much rather not be. Second, I can take what comes and just be along for the ride. Perhaps I won't be miserable, but I won't be happy either. I'll just be biding my time until my wife changes command 2 years from now. Third, I can embrace this and make the most of it. Hmmmm.

Here's the thing: this isn't about me. It's about us, and it's something that my wife has dreamed of since she first entered the military back in 1991. To make it about me and my happiness would be the height of arrogance. That's just something I can't and won't allow to happen. So, we're going to Texas and we're going to make the most of it. We'll take the good with the bad. Ultimately, the fact that we will be together and stable for the next 2 years is more than enough for me. I've learned that there are very few things that I need in life (except for the creature comforts, of course) beyond having my family together and whole. After 20 out of 29 months straight spent apart, I really don't care where we are as long as we're together. So, bring on Texas and the heat. Bring on the small town. I'm ready to go.

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Learning to let go

There are so many life lessons that can be learned during a deployment. In fact, you'll actually surprise yourself when you discover what you are capable of when your spouse is deployed. What, at first, seems to be this huge mountain in front of you becomes a journey of self discovery. Such has been the case for me in the last couple of deployments. During the first one, I found that it was possible to grow and make some changes in who I was to better myself. That said, I still harbored this bit of resentment whenever my wife would go out with a friend or want to do something without the kids, whether it was a movie with a friend or a Saturday spent riding horses. The truth was, I felt that I since I'd spent the day with the kids, once working hours were over, it was her turn. I looked at it like I didn't get the weekends off. If she wanted to do anything without the kids, I would object. And yes, I did use all sorts of manipulation techniques to get her to take them or stay home. Failing that, I would resort to guilt trips. I know... I was a real winner.

What never really came to mind, (or mattered, if I'm being truthful...) was the fact that my wife was getting very little time to herself. She'd work, then come home and take care of the kids so I could get out of the house. It was the same on the weekends. Looking back on it now, I realize how suffocating that must have been for her. And while I can't go back and change that, I can do better going forward.

And that brings me back to my original point about deployments. I learned that having the kids all the time without a break really wasn't work, unless I made it such. Those 6 months she was gone from June to December were yet another learning experience. Call it the "Deployment School of Life". Sure, it's nice to have help with all of the "kid stuff", but it really isn't a big deal if not. Part of it is the fact that my kids are getting older. Part of it, though, is me realizing that if she's not home for dinner or wants to hang with a friend, I can now switch over to a deployment/routine mindset for as long as is needed, be it one day or one week.

My goal during each of the last two deployments has been to move beyond treading water and getting by. I have wanted to take the time and use if for self examination, to find those areas of my life that need to be changed, and then to affect that change. I learned this time around that even though I was doing all of the stuff around the house so that she wouldn't have to, I was still trying to chain her to the house. That's not the case any more. I've discovered that I don't "need" that break every day, that raising the kids and doing the housework doesn't mean I can or should expect my wife to take over so I can go "off duty". To have a better marriage, I've decided to let my wife be who she wants to be, not what I want to make her into. So I've been doing my best to stop staring at the clock and wondering why she hasn't come home right at 5:30 and then getting mad when she didn't make it. We both need time together and time apart. I need to get out of the house, but so does she. So, I'm learning to let go. And in so doing, we're growing closer.

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Minor Earthquakes (or, things that go bump in the night)

A couple of nights ago I was startled awake in the middle of the night. I felt something move up against my back while I slept. I jumped a bit and looked over. Comprehension finally dawned on my sleep encased mind as I saw the sleeping form of my wife in the bed.

There is so much talk of the joys of reunions that come when our soldier spouses come home from war. We're so thrilled to see them, so relieved that they are finally home. But after the initial euphoria of their return has faded a bit, the challenge of learning to live with someone begins. Just as there's no real way to prepare yourself for the heartache and loneliness of that initial separation that hits when they leave on deployment, there's really no way to prepare yourself for them to be back at home again. Now, some may have trouble understanding how this can be a tough time, but I assure you that reintegration isn't an easy transition.

I've found that since my wife has come home I really haven't had a good night's sleep. Every time she rolls over or changes they way she's laying in bed, my eyes pop open. Each movement is like a minor earthquake that no one else on the planet feels. I feel it, though, and it is taking some getting used to. You see, when they are gone, the only time the bed moves is when I move in it. Now that there is someone else there, I've found that the bed moves when I don't.

I've written many times in my blog about the challenges of reintegration. It's a no-joke process of learning to live with someone again, learning to become a couple again instead of two separate people. There's the challenge of allowing them to reclaim their roles as parents, their roles as equals in the decision making process, and their roles as lover and spouse. However, what I didn't consider when I wrote about these things last year was how the lack of sleep can complicate this and, perhaps, put you on edge when this should actually be a time of rest and peace. None of us are at our best when we're tired. Add to that all of the things that go into putting your family back together again and you can see how this time can really be stressful.

Fortunately for us, we're entering reintegration during the Christmas holidays. My wife will be home and free from stress at work. The kids won't need to be up early, dressed, and ready for school. Breakfast will happen when it happens. Yes, it's the holiday season, and that comes with its own set of stresses. At least I'll be able to sleep a bit later in the mornings to make up for the constant waking in the middle of the night.

Reintegration is a very important part of the deployment/redeployment process. Learning to live together again isn't easy. It requires compromise and a large amount of selflessness on both our parts. Much of the individualism that we've both developed over the last half year has to be purged. And while both of us have changed and grown separately during this time, she is still the young gal I fell in love with way back when and is still worth any sacrifice!

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When change is good and bad

Back in October, my wife was notified that she'd been selected to become a PMS (professor of military science) at a college in Missouri. While this did not come as a shock to us, we didn't know until then where we'd be going. We'd originally applied for a PMS position back in late Spring, so all that was left was the waiting to see where we'd be going.

For those that know me on Facebook, this was most definitely something that we had wanted. And while it is a really neat opportunity, there are ups and downs with it.

Accepting a PMS position means you more or less leave the world of active duty units and reenter the world of academics at a college/university. So, understanding that, when you accept that position as a Lt.Colonel you acknowledge that you won't be commanding a battalion, nor will you ever promote to Colonel. You may or may not stay in for a few more years after you're done with the PMS position, but your advancement has come to an end. Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule, but by and large this is the way it is. Now, that can sound like a real downer, but you have to ask yourself what you goals in life are, where you want to be as a family, and, more to the point, how much more of the constant deployment cycles can you take.

When we move to Missouri in June, my wife will have completed 17 years in the Army. That means at the end of the PMS tour at our assigned college, she will have reached the 20 year mark. That's right... retirement. We will have reached the end. While nothing is ever completely certain, it is our intention to retire and settle down at that point.

There are several things that have led us to this point and to go in this direction. First among them is the strain of deployments. As many of you, my loyal readers, have noted and seen, we've had quite a bumpy ride over the last three years. In fact, of the last 30 months, we've spent a grand total of 9 1/2 months together. I know that we aren't unique in the trails we've faced, but they are no less difficult. My wife has missed nearly 2 of the last 3 years of our kids lives. True, our marriage has remained strong and solid, but it has been a strain. In taking the PMS assignment, we are guaranteed a 3 year tour where there will be no deployments. I have to say, that will be a welcome relief.

Another factor in this decision is the fact that my oldest will be starting high school in 2015, the same year my wife hits the 20 year mark. We've always said that we wanted to be settled once he started high school. Yes, children are incredibly resilient, and mine are no different. That said, there's something to be said for being stable while your kids are in high school.

Now, not all of these changes are positive. Among the most notable is the fact that we'll be moving to an area where there is a virtually no military presence. That means no Commissary, no PX, and, worst of all, no other military families. We'll be living in a neighborhood just like everyone else. I'd be lying if I said I won't miss living on post. I truly and deeply love the military family community. I love the safety and security we feel by living on post. And I love the shared experiences that we have with families around us, knowing that the challenges that I've faced over the last 6 months in this current deployment are understood by those around me. They've been a CONSTANT source of encouragement and support. Yes, I will sorely miss being around other military families.

Not only that, I will also miss the swarm of children in our neighborhood. My kids NEVER lack for anyone to play with. And while others might mind, I never object to kids using my yard as a shortcut. I love opening the windows and listening to the sound of kids playing. Further, military kids are usually more open to accepting new kids than non military kids. This isn't a knock on non military families; it's simply a fact that kids who move constantly know what it's like to be the new one in the neighborhood. The same goes for on-post schools. Throughout the year, kids come and go as their parents PCS to and from the installation.

Yes, there are changes coming. Some good, some not-so-good. But we'll take them, adapt, and thrive wherever we land. Because that's what being a military family has taught us. No challenge is too great to overcome, and no situation is too tough to knock us out.

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If I can do it...

As many of you know, I've spent the last year or so training for an eventual marathon. You may remember that I was nearly ready for that first race when I suffered a catastrophic ankle injury just 2 week prior to my first attempt. 3 months of almost no running and a long rehab brought me to August of this year when I began training again. Finally, this past Saturday, November 5, I ran and completed my very first marathon. Yep, I'm now a marathoner!

Hurrays and Good-Jobs aside, there's something to this that I think should apply to all milspouses, especially those who are in a deployment. You see, 100% of my training for this marathon was done while my wife has been gone. We all know that deployments suck. They have a way of making days much harder, longer, and far more tiring than they would normally be. Add to that the fact that having to do all of the things that would normally be shared between us and our spouses makes for a very busy time.

That said, I still found a way to get out and train and put in the time necessary to log those miles on the road in order to get ready. For three months I ran and ran and ran. One day a week I was out on the road for at least 4 hours. Put all of this together and you can imagine how much time was required to train for a marathon. And yet, I did it.

Here's the point: Whether it's a marathon or some other huge goal that you've always wanted to accomplish, being in a deployment doesn't mean you can't do it. Sure, there are challenges to face, and yes, it is more difficult. Deployments do make things more complicated. They don't, however, make accomplishing new things impossible.

There's something special about having a previously unreachable goal or dream become a reality during a deployment. There's a sense of triumph that lasts and helps make the separation a bit more bearable. What's more, the process of working towards that goal keeps us busy, occupies our mind and helps us to look forward instead of backward. We can look in the mirror and say, "I did this, in spite of everything else!"

Being in a deployment doesn't mean you stop living. It doesn't mean you have to put your dreams and goal on hold. Sure, you do have to get a bit creative in order to accomplish them, but it can be done. As a father of 4 children my responsibilities during this deployment are huge. There never seems to be enough hours in the day. That doesn't mean I get to use that as an excuse to stop living and doing the things I want to do. You have to find a way to make things happen and not allow yourself to put your life on hold for a year. A deployment should be a time of growth and new experiences, a chance to become a better YOU. Maybe it's not a marathon. Whatever your dream or goal is, get out there and start fighting for it. Make it happen. If I can get my fat rear out there, train for and run a marathon, then you certainly can get out there and accomplish whatever you have in your heart to do!

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When the fun has run out

So. Here we are at the 4 month mark of this deployment. There have been many ups and downs. Some days are good, some are bad. But if there's one thing that is certain, it's that I'm ready for this to be over. Yes, I know, it's only been 4 months. Many of us have done year long (or 15 months) deployments already, so 4 months isn't really that big of a deal. But, in truth, it is. Each day that my wife is gone is one day too long. Every event that she's missed is one too many. And every night we spend apart is one that is gone forever.

There's no arguing the point that what she's doing is important and vital to our nation. I get it. I understand the idea of service. It's just that there are days, like today, when I feel like I've done my bit for king and country. As milspouses, we give and serve just as much as our soldier spouses do. Most of the time, we serve under the radar, doing the things that civilian families do every day...except that we do them alone. After a while, though, a weariness begins to creep in. And, I'll be honest: I'm tired of my wife missing birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. We are staring down yet another Christmas apart.

So here we stand, just 3 and 1/2 years from retirement and I can't imagine myself fighting though any more than that. As I asked my wife today, how many more birthdays, Christmas's and anniversaries do we have to keep missing? Sure, there's plenty of talk these days about draw downs and reduced deployment lengths, but at some point you just get tired of being apart.

The truth is, I've found that you basically hit the doldrums of a deployment at about the 4 months mark. It was like this during the last one, too. The newness and pain of a recent departure is gone, and the thrill of finding your groove and getting things together has faded. Now, it's just the day in, day out living apart. This is when the fun has run out. This is when you find out what you're made of.

This is probably why making the decision about what our future will be after 20 isn't something that should be done during a deployment. You don't think clearly and rationally while you're in the furnace. All you can think of is escape. These discussions will definitely be coming up between my wife and I. But they are definitely best left until we've been reunited and reintegrated and the bad days of a deployment are only in the rear view mirror. Until then, we'll keep moving forward and do our best.

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Surviving isn't enough

One of the constants with a deployment is the good day-bad day cycles that never seem to end. They can be enough to knock us off our feet and make us simply want to just cling to a safe spot and hold on. The thought of just "keeping my head above water" sounds so good! And yet, it seems to me that this is really not truly living. It is surviving. For me, during our last deployment and, during this one as well, surviving just isn't enough. Just "getting by" has always left me feeling a bit lost, empty. What's more, it always feels like time is passing much more slowly when I'm of that mindset.

The truth is, it's easy to get overwhelmed by all that a deployment throws at us. So much so that we spend so much time, energy, and emotion just trying to keep things together that we forget to take care of the most important cog in this whole machine... ourselves. We think that we have to put everyone and everything before ourselves, and in so doing, we end up running ourselves ragged and feeling ever lower and less in control. Where this leads to is not a good place. It compounds the number of bad days that we experience. And while there's no escaping the fact that there are always going to be "deployment days" that undeniably suck, we can keep them from overwhelming us and becoming the norm.

I can't speak for you or decide what's best for you. I can, however, find my groove (as Melissa over at HerWar has often stated!). For each of us it is different. Let me describe what it is for me. First, I run. It is something I started back towards the end of the last deployment and just carried forward. I run with a goal in mind, specifically, a race. Next week I will be running in my second Army 10 Miler. One month later, I will be running my very first marathon. As you can imagine, this has required an enormous time commitment to get out there and train. But, hey, that's why God created babysitters! And, the truth is, I'm a sucker for some poor teenager who's trying to make a bit of spending money. I don't in any way, shape, or form feel guilty for spending the extra money each week. It is, after all, one of the few benefits of a deployment. Sadly, when I run my first marathon in early November, my wife won't be there to see me complete it. I'm not, however, doing it for her. I'm doing it for me.

I also pour a ton of energy into becoming a better bassist. As many of you who know me are aware, I am passionate about my instrument. I spend as much time each day as I can practicing and learning to be more proficient on the bass. Seeing that music is at the core of who I am as a person, this just flows out naturally. But I don't just stop there. I was promoted back around the beginning of the deployment in June to band leader/primary bassist at my church, Manna Church, in Fayetteville, NC. When I play on a Sunday, I play 3 services in front of a nearly 5000 people. I say all that not to brag, but to illustrate a point: all of this requires a huge commitment in time, just like the running.

What this all means, is this: I have no intention of just surviving while my wife is deployed. I want to live, to grow, to be active even though things are more complicated and difficult while she is gone. For me, surviving isn't enough. I want more. I want to grow, to improve myself. Just getting by doesn't do it for me.

How does all of this translate to you? Well, that's up to you. It is so easy to simply enter survival mode. With all of the challenges that face us as milspouses in a deployment, just surviving can look like a noble goal. And certainly, no one would blame us for that. After being there for a while, though, I decided I didn't want to stay there. I wanted more for my life. 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year plus... whatever the length of the deployment you're facing, it's a long time to simply tread water. Why not decide to start swimming and reach the beach. Once you're there, you can climb out of the water and get moving!

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Don't get overwhelmed!

If there's one thing that I really struggle with during a deployment, it's the day to day stuff around the house. Making sure that the kids are taken care of, cooking the meals, helping with homework, TaeKwonDo, it's already a lot to do. When you add to that the laundry, vacuuming, kitchen cleaning (daily!) dusting, bathrooms (ick!), it can become downright overwhelming! Being both mom and dad while also being responsible for the day to day duties in the house... it's a lot. That said, I've started doing several things that have made a huge difference in keeping things under control and making sure we don't live in a zoo. I'd like to pass on a couple of these so that you can keep yourself from feeling overwhelmed while your soldier is gone.

The first is, quite simply, paying someone to help. Now, before you go thinking I'm referring to a maid or housecleaner, let me explain who I'm talking about. When my wife left back at the beginning of June, I sat my oldest son down (he's 10 now) and told him his responsibilities (call them chores if you want, I prefer responsibilities) around the house were going to increase quite a bit. I put him in charge of his and his siblings laundry. Every week, he was the wash, dry, and pass out (each kid folds and puts away their own laundry.
You wear it, you put it away!) all of the kids clothes. Next he was put in charge of all the dishes. He was given the duty of scrubbing the pots, pans, and dishes, putting them in the dishwasher. Then he was tasked with unloading the dishwasher and putting all of the dishes away. Finally, his job is to find out what each sibling wants to drink with their meals and serve them accordingly.

I understand this is a lot of added work for a 10 year old who also has homework. But, this is where the "pay someone to help" comes in. You see, I believe in the motto "do work, get paid". That's why in our house, there is NO ALLOWANCE. None. With all of my son's added responsibilities has come a bi weekly pay check (ok, not really a check, just a $10 bill). During pay periods when he does more than asked, which actually happens quite often, he is paid more.

So you see, not only have I divested myself of many of the duties around the house so that I don't get quite as overwhelmed, I'm teaching my oldest son about responsibility, expectations, and getting paid to do work. There are times when I will dole out some cash to the other kids when the go above and beyond the norm as well. The point, though, is to involve the whole family in the day to day operations of the home so that you and I don't get overwhelmed.

Finally, there are the things that kids really can't do, but still have to get done. Things like cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, and basic "straightening up". Sure, the kids can do some of it, but in truth, they don't do it well. What I have come up with (actually my wife's suggestion) is a weekly list. On that list, one of the above items gets hit once a week on a given day. Take Mondays, for instance. All of the rooms will get vacuumed on Mondays. Unless there's a "clean up on isle 4" type event, the house won't get vacuumed again until next week. On Tuesdays the whole house will get dusted. You get the drift. We can become so easily overwhelmed by the basic needs of housework when we think they all have to be done in one day. Ask yourself: does you house really need to be vacuumed or dusted more than once a week? Can the bathrooms get by with being cleaned once a week?

The point of all of this is for us to make dealing with the increased workload of a deployment situation more manageable. Because, when you think about it, nothing will bring on those deployment blues faster than feeling overwhelmed. With a little prior planning and a little greasing of the palms of the kids, we can have our homes humming right along!

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Surprisingly sad...

As another Summer comes to an end, I find myself a bit melancholy. You might find this as surprising as I do. With Summer ending, it means that school is just about to begin (as I write this, we are 8 days away from the start of school). School means the kids will be safely away for the better part of the day, meaning my day to day care and keeping up with them will come to an end. Conventional wisdom would tell us that having the kids go back to school would be a good thing for the deployment spouse, a much welcome and needed break. Perhaps this is what it means. I have to confess, though, that I'm not looking forward to my kids going back to school. This will be the first year that I have felt this way. I know, it is completely strange and hard to understand. Let me try to explain it if I can.

Since my wife deployed back in early June, our family had one week of school, followed by 2 and a half months of Summer break. We've slept in every morning, made a nice breakfast, gone to the pool nearly every day, and stayed out late playing with the neighbors. These kids of mine have been amazing for me in terms of helping me keep a positive attitude during this deployment. I haven't been getting up each day dreading another day taking care of my kids. I've gotten up looking forward to our routine. I resolved back in June when school got out that I would make this Summer a special one with their mommy gone. And so we did. A trip to Savannah, daily (and I do mean daily!) visits to the pool, playing outside and riding bikes until after dark... we've done it right this time around! What's most surprising is this: in the process of making this a special and fun Summer, I found myself enjoying each day as well.

My kids and their zest for Summer has had a huge impact on me and how I'm dealing with the deployment. We've been so busy doing all of the fun things we can think of that the heartache and loneliness of the separation seems to have been forgotten about! I know, hard to believe. The truth is, these children of mine have mended what could have been a huge hole inside my heart. Their simple joy at each new day and the fun that awaited them has helped me get through these first two and a half months of the deployment. We've grown closer than before, we've bonded like never before, and we have thrived. Honestly, I couldn't have done this without all that they bring to the table. They are simply amazing! And, if this wasn't enough, some of their resiliency has rubbed off on me. Kids just seem to bounce back from tough situations.

And now, Summer is coming to an end. My children will be climbing on that bus to start a new routine. I find myself grasping these last days of Summer Break, trying desperately to not let them get away from me. I want these days of late breakfasts, Wii games and pool time to continue. I want to play silly games with the kids and wrestle on the floor with them without thought for being on time somewhere else. In short, I don't want them to go back to school. I don't want Summer to end.

I remember telling my wife when the surprising news of this deployment hit us (hey, I'm leaving next week. Surprise!) that the timing of her leaving was actually good. She was deploying just as Summer Break was starting, meaning there would be less work and stress on me at the outset. I was looking at it from a logical point of view. I never imagined that this would actually turn out to not be a good time, but a great time! I will look back on this Summer as perhaps one of the best ever. And now, it is coming to an end. My kids are going back to school. And me... well, I'm surprisingly sad about it.

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Passing the time

As a military spouse in a deployment, one of the worst things you and I can do is calendar watching. By that I mean the constant counting of days remaining until our soldier comes home. It can make what is already a long separation seem that much longer. Not only that, it is also a constant reminder that your spouse is gone and isn't coming home any time soon. When my wife deployed to Afghanistan in the summer of 2009, one of her soldiers made an Excel spreadsheet that constantly updated the seconds, minutes, hours and days left until the deployment ended. For a while I checked it every day to see the progress. All it actually did for me was add to that sense of sadness and depression at my wife being gone for a year. After a while, I quit looking at it. It just wasn't doing me any good.

There comes a point when you simply have to pick yourself up and move on. You and I have to get on with our lives while our soldier spouses are gone. We can sit and pine away over what we've lost for the next year or so, or we can get up and live. I can't imagine any soldier who is deployed wanting their wife/husband back home to be sitting around moping all of the time because they are gone. In fact, I know for a fact that my wife has a better frame of mind down range knowing that things back home are well. She has peace of mind knowing that we are fine back here.

I wrote extensively about making the most of a deployment back at the beginning of 2010 in my series "deployment doesn't equal defeat". It is so important that you and I make the most of a deployment, to use it as an opportunity to better ourselves. Ask yourself: what is it you've always wanted to do or learn? For me, the realization of how much of a slug of a husband I was pushed me to decide that I would change who I was in terms of being a good husband. I decided then and there to stop adding to my wife's stress and pressure by not taking care of things at home. I committed to doing all of the cooking from that day forward, and to handling all of the laundry. I wanted my wife to come home from work and NOT have to do extra work around the house.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is for you and I to live and grow during a deployment. Sure, we will change in ways that our spouses won't understand. But, then again, so will they. That's what reintegration is for. During the deployment, though, you can make changes in yourself that you know will be pleasing to your soldier. You can make changes in yourself that are satisfying to you! Take a class, learn to play a musical instrument, start a running program and get in shape. There is so much space and, for better or for worse, time to do the things and make the changes that you want.

Instead of looking at a deployment as a long and sad separation, look at it like I do--as an opportunity to make the changes in yourself that you've decided need to happen. I can promise you that it is much harder to do when your spouse is home. So use this time wisely and become a better you. You'll feel better about yourself and you'll also be a better spouse for the one you love so much!

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