Army Dad

You want me to go WHERE??? (or, But I don't know where that is!)

2012-02-03T09:03:00.001-08:00

Well, that wasn't how things were supposed to come together. As many of you know, my wife and I were bound for Kansas City this Summer. A PMS (professor of military science) assignment awaited us. We were very much looking forward to the upcoming three years of stability that come with such an assignment. Further, it provided a nice and easy transition into retirement as the PMS position would take us right to 20 years. We'd already been house hunting and were looking forward to a trip out there in April to actually buy a house. Add to that the fact that I already have some family out there along with a ton of friends at the church we attended, and you can imagine how much I was looking forward to this. Everything was coming together nicely and we getting very excited about the move. The PMS assignment was set in stone and we were simply waiting on the calendar to change to June. That is, until this past Sunday.

Now, you may or may not know that change and uncertainty are things that I really don't enjoy. It's always been one of my biggest fears that we'd get a late night call and be sent packing off to some place that I really never wanted to go to. Such was the case on Sunday, January 29th. A quick email was followed by a quick phone call and just like that, Kansas City was no longer our destination. It amazes me how something that was so certain can be completely reversed in a matter of minutes. Monday morning, the "official" call came in. Where are we going now? I'm glad you asked. My wife was offered (and accepted) a battalion command at Goodfellow AFB in San Angelo, TX. Don't know where that is? Neither did I. I'm still not sure I know exactly where it is. I do know that it is over an hour from the NEAREST INTERSTATE. That's right: It's close to the middle of nowhere. So in the space of about 20 minutes, I went from being headed to a major metropolitan area to headed for a small, isolated town. Ouch.

What's more, our 3 year plan seems to have changed now as well. We've gone from 3 years of PMS and then retirement to battalion command and then who-knows-what. As you can imagine, I'm still in a bit of shock over all of this. That said, there are some takeaways. First, I couldn't be more proud of my wife. A battalion command is pretty much the pinacle of an Army officer's career. A few go on to higher commands, but most don't. It is something she had always dreamed of and wanted, and when she was passed over back in the Spring and we decided on PMS, it was disappointing for her for a little while. But she'd moved beyond that and was ready for college life again. Now, she get's to do what she's always dreamed of. Few can say that.

Second, opportunities to make a dream come true are rare and absolutely must be embraced. After she got off the phone Sunday night, she told me what she'd been offered. And, as much as I really, REALLY, don't want to go to Texas (sorry to those of you who are residents and/or fans of Texas, I'm just not one of them) I looked her in the eyes and said "you have to take this." It wasn't a matter of "well, let's pray about this" or "let's give it some thought". No, something like this is a simple (even if not altogether joyous) decision.

So, what am I to do? I can choose one of three paths. First, I can dread this move to a small town in western Texas that is fairly isolated. I can look on this as two years of difficulty and life in a place I'd much rather not be. Second, I can take what comes and just be along for the ride. Perhaps I won't be miserable, but I won't be happy either. I'll just be biding my time until my wife changes command 2 years from now. Third, I can embrace this and make the most of it. Hmmmm.

Here's the thing: this isn't about me. It's about us, and it's something that my wife has dreamed of since she first entered the military back in 1991. To make it about me and my happiness would be the height of arrogance. That's just something I can't and won't allow to happen. So, we're going to Texas and we're going to make the most of it. We'll take the good with the bad. Ultimately, the fact that we will be together and stable for the next 2 years is more than enough for me. I've learned that there are very few things that I need in life (except for the creature comforts, of course) beyond having my family together and whole. After 20 out of 29 months straight spent apart, I really don't care where we are as long as we're together. So, bring on Texas and the heat. Bring on the small town. I'm ready to go.

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Learning to let go

2012-01-12T08:13:00.000-08:00

There are so many life lessons that can be learned during a deployment. In fact, you'll actually surprise yourself when you discover what you are capable of when your spouse is deployed. What, at first, seems to be this huge mountain in front of you becomes a journey of self discovery. Such has been the case for me in the last couple of deployments. During the first one, I found that it was possible to grow and make some changes in who I was to better myself. That said, I still harbored this bit of resentment whenever my wife would go out with a friend or want to do something without the kids, whether it was a movie with a friend or a Saturday spent riding horses. The truth was, I felt that I since I'd spent the day with the kids, once working hours were over, it was her turn. I looked at it like I didn't get the weekends off. If she wanted to do anything without the kids, I would object. And yes, I did use all sorts of manipulation techniques to get her to take them or stay home. Failing that, I would resort to guilt trips. I know... I was a real winner.

What never really came to mind, (or mattered, if I'm being truthful...) was the fact that my wife was getting very little time to herself. She'd work, then come home and take care of the kids so I could get out of the house. It was the same on the weekends. Looking back on it now, I realize how suffocating that must have been for her. And while I can't go back and change that, I can do better going forward.

And that brings me back to my original point about deployments. I learned that having the kids all the time without a break really wasn't work, unless I made it such. Those 6 months she was gone from June to December were yet another learning experience. Call it the "Deployment School of Life". Sure, it's nice to have help with all of the "kid stuff", but it really isn't a big deal if not. Part of it is the fact that my kids are getting older. Part of it, though, is me realizing that if she's not home for dinner or wants to hang with a friend, I can now switch over to a deployment/routine mindset for as long as is needed, be it one day or one week.

My goal during each of the last two deployments has been to move beyond treading water and getting by. I have wanted to take the time and use if for self examination, to find those areas of my life that need to be changed, and then to affect that change. I learned this time around that even though I was doing all of the stuff around the house so that she wouldn't have to, I was still trying to chain her to the house. That's not the case any more. I've discovered that I don't "need" that break every day, that raising the kids and doing the housework doesn't mean I can or should expect my wife to take over so I can go "off duty". To have a better marriage, I've decided to let my wife be who she wants to be, not what I want to make her into. So I've been doing my best to stop staring at the clock and wondering why she hasn't come home right at 5:30 and then getting mad when she didn't make it. We both need time together and time apart. I need to get out of the house, but so does she. So, I'm learning to let go. And in so doing, we're growing closer.

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Minor Earthquakes (or, things that go bump in the night)

2011-12-16T18:01:00.000-08:00

A couple of nights ago I was startled awake in the middle of the night. I felt something move up against my back while I slept. I jumped a bit and looked over. Comprehension finally dawned on my sleep encased mind as I saw the sleeping form of my wife in the bed.

There is so much talk of the joys of reunions that come when our soldier spouses come home from war. We're so thrilled to see them, so relieved that they are finally home. But after the initial euphoria of their return has faded a bit, the challenge of learning to live with someone begins. Just as there's no real way to prepare yourself for the heartache and loneliness of that initial separation that hits when they leave on deployment, there's really no way to prepare yourself for them to be back at home again. Now, some may have trouble understanding how this can be a tough time, but I assure you that reintegration isn't an easy transition.

I've found that since my wife has come home I really haven't had a good night's sleep. Every time she rolls over or changes they way she's laying in bed, my eyes pop open. Each movement is like a minor earthquake that no one else on the planet feels. I feel it, though, and it is taking some getting used to. You see, when they are gone, the only time the bed moves is when I move in it. Now that there is someone else there, I've found that the bed moves when I don't.

I've written many times in my blog about the challenges of reintegration. It's a no-joke process of learning to live with someone again, learning to become a couple again instead of two separate people. There's the challenge of allowing them to reclaim their roles as parents, their roles as equals in the decision making process, and their roles as lover and spouse. However, what I didn't consider when I wrote about these things last year was how the lack of sleep can complicate this and, perhaps, put you on edge when this should actually be a time of rest and peace. None of us are at our best when we're tired. Add to that all of the things that go into putting your family back together again and you can see how this time can really be stressful.

Fortunately for us, we're entering reintegration during the Christmas holidays. My wife will be home and free from stress at work. The kids won't need to be up early, dressed, and ready for school. Breakfast will happen when it happens. Yes, it's the holiday season, and that comes with its own set of stresses. At least I'll be able to sleep a bit later in the mornings to make up for the constant waking in the middle of the night.

Reintegration is a very important part of the deployment/redeployment process. Learning to live together again isn't easy. It requires compromise and a large amount of selflessness on both our parts. Much of the individualism that we've both developed over the last half year has to be purged. And while both of us have changed and grown separately during this time, she is still the young gal I fell in love with way back when and is still worth any sacrifice!

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When change is good and bad

2011-12-03T09:32:00.000-08:00

Back in October, my wife was notified that she'd been selected to become a PMS (professor of military science) at a college in Missouri. While this did not come as a shock to us, we didn't know until then where we'd be going. We'd originally applied for a PMS position back in late Spring, so all that was left was the waiting to see where we'd be going.

For those that know me on Facebook, this was most definitely something that we had wanted. And while it is a really neat opportunity, there are ups and downs with it.

Accepting a PMS position means you more or less leave the world of active duty units and reenter the world of academics at a college/university. So, understanding that, when you accept that position as a Lt.Colonel you acknowledge that you won't be commanding a battalion, nor will you ever promote to Colonel. You may or may not stay in for a few more years after you're done with the PMS position, but your advancement has come to an end. Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule, but by and large this is the way it is. Now, that can sound like a real downer, but you have to ask yourself what you goals in life are, where you want to be as a family, and, more to the point, how much more of the constant deployment cycles can you take.

When we move to Missouri in June, my wife will have completed 17 years in the Army. That means at the end of the PMS tour at our assigned college, she will have reached the 20 year mark. That's right... retirement. We will have reached the end. While nothing is ever completely certain, it is our intention to retire and settle down at that point.

There are several things that have led us to this point and to go in this direction. First among them is the strain of deployments. As many of you, my loyal readers, have noted and seen, we've had quite a bumpy ride over the last three years. In fact, of the last 30 months, we've spent a grand total of 9 1/2 months together. I know that we aren't unique in the trails we've faced, but they are no less difficult. My wife has missed nearly 2 of the last 3 years of our kids lives. True, our marriage has remained strong and solid, but it has been a strain. In taking the PMS assignment, we are guaranteed a 3 year tour where there will be no deployments. I have to say, that will be a welcome relief.

Another factor in this decision is the fact that my oldest will be starting high school in 2015, the same year my wife hits the 20 year mark. We've always said that we wanted to be settled once he started high school. Yes, children are incredibly resilient, and mine are no different. That said, there's something to be said for being stable while your kids are in high school.

Now, not all of these changes are positive. Among the most notable is the fact that we'll be moving to an area where there is a virtually no military presence. That means no Commissary, no PX, and, worst of all, no other military families. We'll be living in a neighborhood just like everyone else. I'd be lying if I said I won't miss living on post. I truly and deeply love the military family community. I love the safety and security we feel by living on post. And I love the shared experiences that we have with families around us, knowing that the challenges that I've faced over the last 6 months in this current deployment are understood by those around me. They've been a CONSTANT source of encouragement and support. Yes, I will sorely miss being around other military families.

Not only that, I will also miss the swarm of children in our neighborhood. My kids NEVER lack for anyone to play with. And while others might mind, I never object to kids using my yard as a shortcut. I love opening the windows and listening to the sound of kids playing. Further, military kids are usually more open to accepting new kids than non military kids. This isn't a knock on non military families; it's simply a fact that kids who move constantly know what it's like to be the new one in the neighborhood. The same goes for on-post schools. Throughout the year, kids come and go as their parents PCS to and from the installation.

Yes, there are changes coming. Some good, some not-so-good. But we'll take them, adapt, and thrive wherever we land. Because that's what being a military family has taught us. No challenge is too great to overcome, and no situation is too tough to knock us out.

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If I can do it...

2011-11-09T04:06:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I've spent the last year or so training for an eventual marathon. You may remember that I was nearly ready for that first race when I suffered a catastrophic ankle injury just 2 week prior to my first attempt. 3 months of almost no running and a long rehab brought me to August of this year when I began training again. Finally, this past Saturday, November 5, I ran and completed my very first marathon. Yep, I'm now a marathoner!

Hurrays and Good-Jobs aside, there's something to this that I think should apply to all milspouses, especially those who are in a deployment. You see, 100% of my training for this marathon was done while my wife has been gone. We all know that deployments suck. They have a way of making days much harder, longer, and far more tiring than they would normally be. Add to that the fact that having to do all of the things that would normally be shared between us and our spouses makes for a very busy time.

That said, I still found a way to get out and train and put in the time necessary to log those miles on the road in order to get ready. For three months I ran and ran and ran. One day a week I was out on the road for at least 4 hours. Put all of this together and you can imagine how much time was required to train for a marathon. And yet, I did it.

Here's the point: Whether it's a marathon or some other huge goal that you've always wanted to accomplish, being in a deployment doesn't mean you can't do it. Sure, there are challenges to face, and yes, it is more difficult. Deployments do make things more complicated. They don't, however, make accomplishing new things impossible.

There's something special about having a previously unreachable goal or dream become a reality during a deployment. There's a sense of triumph that lasts and helps make the separation a bit more bearable. What's more, the process of working towards that goal keeps us busy, occupies our mind and helps us to look forward instead of backward. We can look in the mirror and say, "I did this, in spite of everything else!"

Being in a deployment doesn't mean you stop living. It doesn't mean you have to put your dreams and goal on hold. Sure, you do have to get a bit creative in order to accomplish them, but it can be done. As a father of 4 children my responsibilities during this deployment are huge. There never seems to be enough hours in the day. That doesn't mean I get to use that as an excuse to stop living and doing the things I want to do. You have to find a way to make things happen and not allow yourself to put your life on hold for a year. A deployment should be a time of growth and new experiences, a chance to become a better YOU. Maybe it's not a marathon. Whatever your dream or goal is, get out there and start fighting for it. Make it happen. If I can get my fat rear out there, train for and run a marathon, then you certainly can get out there and accomplish whatever you have in your heart to do!

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When the fun has run out

2011-10-12T16:12:00.000-07:00

So. Here we are at the 4 month mark of this deployment. There have been many ups and downs. Some days are good, some are bad. But if there's one thing that is certain, it's that I'm ready for this to be over. Yes, I know, it's only been 4 months. Many of us have done year long (or 15 months) deployments already, so 4 months isn't really that big of a deal. But, in truth, it is. Each day that my wife is gone is one day too long. Every event that she's missed is one too many. And every night we spend apart is one that is gone forever.

There's no arguing the point that what she's doing is important and vital to our nation. I get it. I understand the idea of service. It's just that there are days, like today, when I feel like I've done my bit for king and country. As milspouses, we give and serve just as much as our soldier spouses do. Most of the time, we serve under the radar, doing the things that civilian families do every day...except that we do them alone. After a while, though, a weariness begins to creep in. And, I'll be honest: I'm tired of my wife missing birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. We are staring down yet another Christmas apart.

So here we stand, just 3 and 1/2 years from retirement and I can't imagine myself fighting though any more than that. As I asked my wife today, how many more birthdays, Christmas's and anniversaries do we have to keep missing? Sure, there's plenty of talk these days about draw downs and reduced deployment lengths, but at some point you just get tired of being apart.

The truth is, I've found that you basically hit the doldrums of a deployment at about the 4 months mark. It was like this during the last one, too. The newness and pain of a recent departure is gone, and the thrill of finding your groove and getting things together has faded. Now, it's just the day in, day out living apart. This is when the fun has run out. This is when you find out what you're made of.

This is probably why making the decision about what our future will be after 20 isn't something that should be done during a deployment. You don't think clearly and rationally while you're in the furnace. All you can think of is escape. These discussions will definitely be coming up between my wife and I. But they are definitely best left until we've been reunited and reintegrated and the bad days of a deployment are only in the rear view mirror. Until then, we'll keep moving forward and do our best.

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Surviving isn't enough

2011-09-27T05:39:00.000-07:00

One of the constants with a deployment is the good day-bad day cycles that never seem to end. They can be enough to knock us off our feet and make us simply want to just cling to a safe spot and hold on. The thought of just "keeping my head above water" sounds so good! And yet, it seems to me that this is really not truly living. It is surviving. For me, during our last deployment and, during this one as well, surviving just isn't enough. Just "getting by" has always left me feeling a bit lost, empty. What's more, it always feels like time is passing much more slowly when I'm of that mindset.

The truth is, it's easy to get overwhelmed by all that a deployment throws at us. So much so that we spend so much time, energy, and emotion just trying to keep things together that we forget to take care of the most important cog in this whole machine... ourselves. We think that we have to put everyone and everything before ourselves, and in so doing, we end up running ourselves ragged and feeling ever lower and less in control. Where this leads to is not a good place. It compounds the number of bad days that we experience. And while there's no escaping the fact that there are always going to be "deployment days" that undeniably suck, we can keep them from overwhelming us and becoming the norm.

I can't speak for you or decide what's best for you. I can, however, find my groove (as Melissa over at HerWar has often stated!). For each of us it is different. Let me describe what it is for me. First, I run. It is something I started back towards the end of the last deployment and just carried forward. I run with a goal in mind, specifically, a race. Next week I will be running in my second Army 10 Miler. One month later, I will be running my very first marathon. As you can imagine, this has required an enormous time commitment to get out there and train. But, hey, that's why God created babysitters! And, the truth is, I'm a sucker for some poor teenager who's trying to make a bit of spending money. I don't in any way, shape, or form feel guilty for spending the extra money each week. It is, after all, one of the few benefits of a deployment. Sadly, when I run my first marathon in early November, my wife won't be there to see me complete it. I'm not, however, doing it for her. I'm doing it for me.

I also pour a ton of energy into becoming a better bassist. As many of you who know me are aware, I am passionate about my instrument. I spend as much time each day as I can practicing and learning to be more proficient on the bass. Seeing that music is at the core of who I am as a person, this just flows out naturally. But I don't just stop there. I was promoted back around the beginning of the deployment in June to band leader/primary bassist at my church, Manna Church, in Fayetteville, NC. When I play on a Sunday, I play 3 services in front of a nearly 5000 people. I say all that not to brag, but to illustrate a point: all of this requires a huge commitment in time, just like the running.

What this all means, is this: I have no intention of just surviving while my wife is deployed. I want to live, to grow, to be active even though things are more complicated and difficult while she is gone. For me, surviving isn't enough. I want more. I want to grow, to improve myself. Just getting by doesn't do it for me.

How does all of this translate to you? Well, that's up to you. It is so easy to simply enter survival mode. With all of the challenges that face us as milspouses in a deployment, just surviving can look like a noble goal. And certainly, no one would blame us for that. After being there for a while, though, I decided I didn't want to stay there. I wanted more for my life. 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year plus... whatever the length of the deployment you're facing, it's a long time to simply tread water. Why not decide to start swimming and reach the beach. Once you're there, you can climb out of the water and get moving!

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Don't get overwhelmed!

2011-09-12T06:14:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing that I really struggle with during a deployment, it's the day to day stuff around the house. Making sure that the kids are taken care of, cooking the meals, helping with homework, TaeKwonDo, it's already a lot to do. When you add to that the laundry, vacuuming, kitchen cleaning (daily!) dusting, bathrooms (ick!), it can become downright overwhelming! Being both mom and dad while also being responsible for the day to day duties in the house... it's a lot. That said, I've started doing several things that have made a huge difference in keeping things under control and making sure we don't live in a zoo. I'd like to pass on a couple of these so that you can keep yourself from feeling overwhelmed while your soldier is gone.

The first is, quite simply, paying someone to help. Now, before you go thinking I'm referring to a maid or housecleaner, let me explain who I'm talking about. When my wife left back at the beginning of June, I sat my oldest son down (he's 10 now) and told him his responsibilities (call them chores if you want, I prefer responsibilities) around the house were going to increase quite a bit. I put him in charge of his and his siblings laundry. Every week, he was the wash, dry, and pass out (each kid folds and puts away their own laundry.
You wear it, you put it away!) all of the kids clothes. Next he was put in charge of all the dishes. He was given the duty of scrubbing the pots, pans, and dishes, putting them in the dishwasher. Then he was tasked with unloading the dishwasher and putting all of the dishes away. Finally, his job is to find out what each sibling wants to drink with their meals and serve them accordingly.

I understand this is a lot of added work for a 10 year old who also has homework. But, this is where the "pay someone to help" comes in. You see, I believe in the motto "do work, get paid". That's why in our house, there is NO ALLOWANCE. None. With all of my son's added responsibilities has come a bi weekly pay check (ok, not really a check, just a $10 bill). During pay periods when he does more than asked, which actually happens quite often, he is paid more.

So you see, not only have I divested myself of many of the duties around the house so that I don't get quite as overwhelmed, I'm teaching my oldest son about responsibility, expectations, and getting paid to do work. There are times when I will dole out some cash to the other kids when the go above and beyond the norm as well. The point, though, is to involve the whole family in the day to day operations of the home so that you and I don't get overwhelmed.

Finally, there are the things that kids really can't do, but still have to get done. Things like cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, and basic "straightening up". Sure, the kids can do some of it, but in truth, they don't do it well. What I have come up with (actually my wife's suggestion) is a weekly list. On that list, one of the above items gets hit once a week on a given day. Take Mondays, for instance. All of the rooms will get vacuumed on Mondays. Unless there's a "clean up on isle 4" type event, the house won't get vacuumed again until next week. On Tuesdays the whole house will get dusted. You get the drift. We can become so easily overwhelmed by the basic needs of housework when we think they all have to be done in one day. Ask yourself: does you house really need to be vacuumed or dusted more than once a week? Can the bathrooms get by with being cleaned once a week?

The point of all of this is for us to make dealing with the increased workload of a deployment situation more manageable. Because, when you think about it, nothing will bring on those deployment blues faster than feeling overwhelmed. With a little prior planning and a little greasing of the palms of the kids, we can have our homes humming right along!

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Surprisingly sad...

2011-08-17T09:41:00.001-07:00

As another Summer comes to an end, I find myself a bit melancholy. You might find this as surprising as I do. With Summer ending, it means that school is just about to begin (as I write this, we are 8 days away from the start of school). School means the kids will be safely away for the better part of the day, meaning my day to day care and keeping up with them will come to an end. Conventional wisdom would tell us that having the kids go back to school would be a good thing for the deployment spouse, a much welcome and needed break. Perhaps this is what it means. I have to confess, though, that I'm not looking forward to my kids going back to school. This will be the first year that I have felt this way. I know, it is completely strange and hard to understand. Let me try to explain it if I can.

Since my wife deployed back in early June, our family had one week of school, followed by 2 and a half months of Summer break. We've slept in every morning, made a nice breakfast, gone to the pool nearly every day, and stayed out late playing with the neighbors. These kids of mine have been amazing for me in terms of helping me keep a positive attitude during this deployment. I haven't been getting up each day dreading another day taking care of my kids. I've gotten up looking forward to our routine. I resolved back in June when school got out that I would make this Summer a special one with their mommy gone. And so we did. A trip to Savannah, daily (and I do mean daily!) visits to the pool, playing outside and riding bikes until after dark... we've done it right this time around! What's most surprising is this: in the process of making this a special and fun Summer, I found myself enjoying each day as well.

My kids and their zest for Summer has had a huge impact on me and how I'm dealing with the deployment. We've been so busy doing all of the fun things we can think of that the heartache and loneliness of the separation seems to have been forgotten about! I know, hard to believe. The truth is, these children of mine have mended what could have been a huge hole inside my heart. Their simple joy at each new day and the fun that awaited them has helped me get through these first two and a half months of the deployment. We've grown closer than before, we've bonded like never before, and we have thrived. Honestly, I couldn't have done this without all that they bring to the table. They are simply amazing! And, if this wasn't enough, some of their resiliency has rubbed off on me. Kids just seem to bounce back from tough situations.

And now, Summer is coming to an end. My children will be climbing on that bus to start a new routine. I find myself grasping these last days of Summer Break, trying desperately to not let them get away from me. I want these days of late breakfasts, Wii games and pool time to continue. I want to play silly games with the kids and wrestle on the floor with them without thought for being on time somewhere else. In short, I don't want them to go back to school. I don't want Summer to end.

I remember telling my wife when the surprising news of this deployment hit us (hey, I'm leaving next week. Surprise!) that the timing of her leaving was actually good. She was deploying just as Summer Break was starting, meaning there would be less work and stress on me at the outset. I was looking at it from a logical point of view. I never imagined that this would actually turn out to not be a good time, but a great time! I will look back on this Summer as perhaps one of the best ever. And now, it is coming to an end. My kids are going back to school. And me... well, I'm surprisingly sad about it.

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Passing the time

2011-08-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

As a military spouse in a deployment, one of the worst things you and I can do is calendar watching. By that I mean the constant counting of days remaining until our soldier comes home. It can make what is already a long separation seem that much longer. Not only that, it is also a constant reminder that your spouse is gone and isn't coming home any time soon. When my wife deployed to Afghanistan in the summer of 2009, one of her soldiers made an Excel spreadsheet that constantly updated the seconds, minutes, hours and days left until the deployment ended. For a while I checked it every day to see the progress. All it actually did for me was add to that sense of sadness and depression at my wife being gone for a year. After a while, I quit looking at it. It just wasn't doing me any good.

There comes a point when you simply have to pick yourself up and move on. You and I have to get on with our lives while our soldier spouses are gone. We can sit and pine away over what we've lost for the next year or so, or we can get up and live. I can't imagine any soldier who is deployed wanting their wife/husband back home to be sitting around moping all of the time because they are gone. In fact, I know for a fact that my wife has a better frame of mind down range knowing that things back home are well. She has peace of mind knowing that we are fine back here.

I wrote extensively about making the most of a deployment back at the beginning of 2010 in my series "deployment doesn't equal defeat". It is so important that you and I make the most of a deployment, to use it as an opportunity to better ourselves. Ask yourself: what is it you've always wanted to do or learn? For me, the realization of how much of a slug of a husband I was pushed me to decide that I would change who I was in terms of being a good husband. I decided then and there to stop adding to my wife's stress and pressure by not taking care of things at home. I committed to doing all of the cooking from that day forward, and to handling all of the laundry. I wanted my wife to come home from work and NOT have to do extra work around the house.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is for you and I to live and grow during a deployment. Sure, we will change in ways that our spouses won't understand. But, then again, so will they. That's what reintegration is for. During the deployment, though, you can make changes in yourself that you know will be pleasing to your soldier. You can make changes in yourself that are satisfying to you! Take a class, learn to play a musical instrument, start a running program and get in shape. There is so much space and, for better or for worse, time to do the things and make the changes that you want.

Instead of looking at a deployment as a long and sad separation, look at it like I do--as an opportunity to make the changes in yourself that you've decided need to happen. I can promise you that it is much harder to do when your spouse is home. So use this time wisely and become a better you. You'll feel better about yourself and you'll also be a better spouse for the one you love so much!

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Settling In

2011-08-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

So here we are, nearly 2 months into another deployment. The first question that every one asks me is nearly universal: "so how are you holding up?" followed in a close second by "how are things?" I think every person who asks understands the unavoidable truth: deployments suck. There's no way around that. Sure, I understand the whole "serving our country" thing. But, honestly, I don't feel very patriotic when I look at the other side of the bed every night and see that it is empty. And I certainly don't feel like running out to wave flags when my 4 year old asks when mommy is coming home.

HOWEVER... that doesn't mean that our current circumstances suck. In truth, life has been pretty good lately. Our neighborhood (we live on post) has seen this massive turn over and is now flooded with kids. Nearly every night I sit out in my driveway with lots of other neighbors while our kids play together. And what's more, my kids have adapted to their mother being gone even faster this time around then when she left us for Afghanistan 2 years ago. So, truth be told, while deployments do indeed suck, our day-in-day-out life simply doesn't. Life is good. Sure, it would be better if she was here. But she's not and we are making the best of it.

I've written in the past about how different this deployment is over the last one. Perhaps it is the fact that we are in the Summer and things are at a slower pace. Perhaps it is all of the new neighbors who have so amazing and supportive. Whatever the case is, we are settled in for the long haul. There have been a few things, though, that I've put into effect that I think have made things go a bit more smoothly. I'd like to share them.

First, as I've blogged about before, there is no greater friend to the deployment spouse than a routine. For us, in this second deployment, I've done my level best to stick by our daily routines with little deviation. Now, you might be thinking that sticking to a daily routine in the Summer can be a waste of time. Not at all. Let me give you a picture of our typical day. First, we get up somewhere between 7 and 8 am. The kids and I eat breakfast and then we watch some cartoons. If we have any errands to run, we leave by 9 to knock them out. By 11 we get ready for lunch, which we eat at one of the elementary schools here on post (they serve free lunch mon-fri for school age kids in the Summer!). We wear our bathing suits to lunch because we leave the school and head over to one of the many pools here at Bragg to play for 2 hours. Then we come home and cool off for an hour before it's off again to TaeKwonDo. Next up is dinner, then we play outside until dark with the other kids. And this is repeated every day (weekends are a bit different, but you get my drift).

The point is, I learned many months into our first deployment that a routine was the most important survival tool for a family in a deployment cycle. This time around, I started the routines off on day one. It has made a huge difference. Both the kids and I know exactly what each day holds and there are few surprises. Predictability is huge during a deployment. It takes so much of the stress of the "new day" out of our lives. Sure, newness can be a good thing. It can also be a stressful thing. Having an ironclad routine that you live by brings predictability and stability to each of our lives.

Like so many of you, we are gearing up for the start of another school year. And while that is going to bring some temporary craziness to our lives, ultimately it will lead to even greater and more reinforced routines. While I have to admit that I have truly enjoyed hanging out with my kids this Summer and doing fun stuff with them, I'm also looking forward to the daily structure that the school year brings. It'll be nice to have a governmental organization actively helping me to add even more predictability to my family's daily routines. This is especially nice due to the fact that we don't have any sort of an end date to this deployment. Originally, it was supposed to be 6 months; now, it looks more like 8-9 months, possibly up to a year. But you know what? That's ok. We'll be fine. My kids and I have learned how to be resilient and how to move forward. Because, in the end, this is what it means to be a military spouse.

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So what's the point?

2011-07-18T18:15:00.000-07:00

Recently I began to take a retrospective look at why I bother to blog and write about my life as a military spouse/stay at home dad. After all, it takes time to sit down and think through another blog post. I have to add pictures and try to come up with something that people will read. As I was thinking along this line I was invited, as some of you already know, to be a guest on the new Ricki Lake Show. Yes, she's the same one who used to be a little bit of a female version of Jerry Springer. I agreed to go on her show because when they called me, they wanted to talk about my experiences as a military spouse. Understand, I was a bit hesitant at first. Was I going to be surprised or ambushed by something from my past? Was this going to be just another one of those shows where someone learns some deep dark secret has been kept from them? What I found out, though, was quite the opposite. She has changed the way she does her shows. She truly does want to focus on military spouses and what we go through. Gone are the "who's the baby's daddy" type shows. This is a grown up Ricki Lake Show.

Sure, it was cool to be on a tv show. Yes, it's neat to be treated like a star for a day. But really, WHAT'S THE POINT? I'm glad you asked. The point to all of this, the reason I blog, the reason I flew out to LA to be on a show is very simple. It's about supporting military spouses just like you and me who are nearly always the silent warriors of these wars that have been going on for so long now. We constantly told on the news, on commercials, in magazines, and in all sorts of places how much people support the troops today. "Support the troops" is a familiar mantra. Of course, no one ever wants to see the horrors that awaited soldiers as they came home from Vietnam. Our soldier spouses are treated as heros every where they turn. That's how it should be. And yet, military spouses and family members often are forgotten. We do so much to support our soul mates who are fighting for our freedoms, and we do it selflessly.

Military spouses are the unsung heros of these wars. We are the ones who hold it all together, who support our soldiers while they serve their country. And while some may forget the sacrifices of family members, I will continue to do everything I can to support our spouses. That's the point. It's about doing everything we can lift each other up, to be the one who stands in the gap for our fellow spouse who doesn't think he/she can go on any longer. It's about being there to help bear the burden that we all are weighed down by at one time or another. It's about being there to look another spouse, one who feels like he or she is at the end of their rope, in the eye and tell them, "you are not alone." So if you are reading this blog and you are having one of "those days," just remember that you truly aren't alone in this struggle. YOU are the point to all of this. YOU are worth it!

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What a difference a year makes

2011-06-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

Two years ago this month, my wife and I were staring down a year long deployment to Afghanistan. It was to be the first deployment since our children had been born. We were both filled with a sense of apprehension and a bit of fear of the unknown. And the first days and weeks after she left were quite hard. So many nights I would roll over and look at the untouched pillow on her side of the bed and think to myself, "I hate this." In the early months of the deployment that followed, there were many dark and depressing days. Some of those days were bad enough that I had difficulty even cracking a smile. And now, 2 years later and one week into another deployment, it is hard to describe how different things are. There are many factors at work, for sure, but the sense of dread and sadness simply aren't here.

When you think about it, what was once uncharted territory is now familiar ground, sort of a home turf. As I've told so many people who've called to check up on me or written to see how I'm doing, this isn't my first time around the block. I know what to expect this time. I know how this game is played, how this song is supposed to be sung. Obviously, we miss my wife deeply. We wish she were here. And yes, deployments do indeed still suck. And yet, in spite of those feelings, this deployment isn't the crushing monolith that the last one was. Sure, I'm tired and we've probably eaten out more than I'd like to because I'm not in the mood to cook. But at the end of the day, I sleep peacefully, the kids are happy, and I'm content.

You see, once you've been through a deployment, each additional one brings fewer and fewer surprises. You know what you're doing, you know how to cope, and you know how to win. That's right, I said win, because I believe that, as milspouses, we can win during a deployment. We can use the time to better ourselves and grow. Further, as we grow and (dare I say) get stronger with each deployment, we are far more capable at helping fellow spouses who are having a tough time of it. When we say we're all in this together, we have a responsibility to reach out to our fellow spouses and encourage them, lift them up, and help them along.

It is amazing to me what a difference a year makes. Having learned so much about myself during the last deployment, I'm in a totally different place this time around. Sure, there will be down days, and yes, the deployment blues still strike unexpectedly. However, I'm ready to face each day and I'm confident that I will be just fine this time around.

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Those sneaky deployment blues

2011-06-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

Out of nowhere, my wife received deployment orders two weeks ago. This came as a complete surprise and shock to us. If you remember, I wrote a blog a couple of weeks ago on getting ready for a deployment that we believed was coming in July. What we never would have guessed was that the deployment would come so much sooner. There's really no way to prepare yourself for something like that. One week she's here until the end of July, the next... she's gone. But, as I've told many people over the past few days, this isn't my first trip around the block. I know what a deployment holds for us. I still remember how to get through and make the most of it. Paper cups/plates and the assembly line shower process... remember?

What I had forgotten about, though, was those sneaky deployment blues. Not familiar with those? Probably because they are so sneaky! There you are, having a good day with the kids and enjoying the weather. Maybe you're sitting outside with a cold beverage and socializing with the neighbors. Whatever you're doing on this seemingly relaxing day, out of nowhere comes this shot of deployment reality, this upper cut of life's brass tacks. The blast of realization that your spouse is gone and you're going to be sleeping alone tonight and every night after forward for the foreseeable future can hit you like a ton of bricks. And then, what had been a nice day turns into an evening of sadness and depression. I call these the deployment blues. And they can strike when you least expect them.

I think that the worst part of deployment blues is the completely unpredictable nature of them. One minute things are good, then the next you're down in the dumps. They can be set off by a scent, a show on TV, something one of the kids says. Most of the time, it is something completely innocuous. Whatever it might be, it triggers a thought, then a realization of what is missing, namely your spouse.

What to do about them? Well, there I don't have an answer. They come suddenly, then fade to the background with time. Two days ago they hit me hard. For hours I was a bit down in the dumps. There was no distracting me or "busying myself" to make them go away. The next day, life was better, and I was back on an even keel. Who can tell when they will strike again? There's no way to prepare for them. They simply come. Sometimes it helps to talk about them with someone you trust. Sometimes not. Most of the time you just ride them out and wait for the day to end. For me, one of the best means to get over the deployment blues is to simply wait for tomorrow. They almost never last more than a day. And the sun does indeed come up the next day.

What is important to remember is that the deployment blues are very natural and very normal. It just means that you miss your spouse. And you know what? It's ok to be sad because they are gone. And it's ok that the sadness of their absence continues months into a deployment. What you and I have to realize when we enter a deployment is that we are going to have good days and bad days. There are going to be lots of highs and lots of lows. Just be ready for them and roll with the punches. You and I can and will get through this.

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It's that time of year again! (deployments-R-us)

2011-05-16T07:22:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time of year again. No, I'm not talking about the coming of Spring or Summer. I'm talking about the upcoming deployment. We're about 2 months out from my wife's next deployment. And while it is nice to be able to plan for it, knowing it is coming doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Like so many other spouses who go through this every other year, I'm already gearing up my mind to what is ahead. As I sit here writing this, I'm trying to remember all of the things that got me through the last deployment. As I wrote about last year, I learned so much about myself while my wife was gone. My hope was that I wouldn't forget any of the hard earned lessons and growth once she came home and life returned to normal. With that said, I'd like to share a couple of the basic things I did to get through. Perhaps you've been doing these things all along and I'm simply the last one to the party. Maybe you're new to this and these tips will be able to make life a bit easier for you.

Of all of the many things that I learned while my wife was gone, none was more helpful to me that foregoing dishes and glasses in favor of paper cups and paper plates. Yes, I know, not very environmentally friendly; honestly, though, I wasn't as concerned with saving the polar bears as I was with saving my sanity. Now, you might have a small family and don't have to do the dishes that often (twice a day for us on some days!). But for a family of 6, the dishes and glasses and plastic cups and spoons and forks and bowls...well, you get the idea. It became overwhelming. Having the kids simply throw their plates and cups away after meals made life so much easier. Obviously, once my wife came home we reverted back to normal plates and such (I had help at the point!). But for my money, it was worth it not to have to do the dishes very often.

One of the most important things that we as parents do for our children is also one of the most basic. That's bath time. Now, imagine, if you will, needing to get four kids clean every day. If you're a parent, you know that kids love bath time. Suds, bubbles, warm water, toys... what's not to love??? It's all fun and games until you're the one doing the cleaning. That's why I came up with the assembly line method. When my wife is deployed we almost never do baths. We do showers. I'll line my kids up in the bathroom, bare bottoms and all. The first one gets into the shower. I wash him/her up and down, side to side. I then pull him/her out of the shower and dry him/her off while kid #2 gets in. I then repeat the process until everyone is clean. I can get all of my kids squeaky clean in about 5 minutes. No, it's not happy fun bath time, but the mission is accomplished and I can move on to the next task at hand on that given night. Now, in the year since the last deployment, my oldest has gotten to where he does all of that himself in the mornings, so bath/shower time for the upcoming deployment doesn't look quite as daunting!

There are several other little tips and tricks I used to make life a bit smoother while my wife was gone, things I'll use again when she leaves us this Summer. The above two, though, are probably the most useful in terms of easing the job of being a single parent in a deployment. With any luck, I'll come up with a few more in the year ahead. Remember, never cut corners unless you need to cut corners!

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Is life simpler when they are gone?

2011-04-21T06:04:00.001-07:00

Over the years I had MANY active duty service members tell me that life is much simpler and more straight forward when they are deployed. They have a job to do, a mission to complete, and nothing distracts them from that. From waking up in the morning to going to bed at night, they have only one responsibility: the mission. I've had more than one tell me that they were ready to deploy again because life back home is so much more complicated and hectic. With so many things that pull on them during the day, from work to home, many soldiers actually long for a return down range.

I remember the first time I heard someone say that to me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wanted to tell him, "hey man, this is your family, for heaven's sake! Just because it isn't always easy doesn't mean you can just run away from it under the guise of 'serving the country'!" I remember thinking this guy might be one of the worst parents I'd ever met, also proving the soldier stereotype of the guy who spends more time doing Army stuff than he does doing family stuff.

As time has passed, though, I think I am beginning to understand where they are coming from. I can totally see how things would be much more cut and dry, more black and white for our active duty spouses when they are down range. For a year you can basically have a one track mind and be applauded for it. You are encouraged to focus only on what you are doing during the deployment (indeed, their lives many times depends on this). Then they come home and are pulled in many different directions. It can feel a bit overwhelming to them.

But let's look at it from our point of view. Apply the same question to our situation as milspouses. Is life simpler for us when they are gone? Certainly, it isn't easier. It is much more difficult, in fact. But is life simpler when they are gone? I would say, from my experience, YES, it is. Now, let me preface this by saying a deployment is the very last thing I want right now. I much prefer my wife being home to her being deployed. That said, things were far less complicated around here while she was gone. Think about it: who makes the rules around the house during a deployment? We do. Who sets bedtimes, dinner times, get out and play times? We do. Who is the final authority on all questions and disputes? We are. And who decides where we are going, when we're going there, and what we're going to do? Yep, we do. All questions, comments, and decisions start and finish with us. We handle everything.

During a deployment, we are the final authority on everything that goes on in our lives, and in the lives of our kids. There's almost no discussion of small to medium decisions. Hell, there are days when we don't even get to talk to our deployed spouses (sometimes for long periods of time) to even try to discuss something. So, for a year, we are unquestionably and undeniably... IN CHARGE. We don't wait on anyone else to make a decision, we don't hold off on discussions until after the kids are in bed, we don't "sleep on it". We simply decide. So you see, the chain of command at home during a deployment is very straight forward and easy to understand. It starts and ends with me.

Now, let's fast forward to when they are home. They go to PT in the morning, sometimes they come home for breakfast and to change. Maybe they come home for lunch, maybe they don't. Often they leave work late and are not able to help much around the house or with getting the kids situated. It's funny how I used to think about how much easier things would be when my wife finally got back from being deployed, how I'd finally get some help with all of the things that I was having to do on my own. In reality, I still do most of those things. It's just the way of things. So while I still have to do most of the things I did while she was deployed, I'm not really the sole authority in the house. We decide things together. Yep, things are a bit more complicated now.

So what's the conclusion to all of this? Life isn't any easier when they are deployed, but it is simpler. Does that I mean I have the same mind set as my friend I wrote about earlier in this blog? No. Unlike him, I DON'T want to return to deployment living. It isn't fun and can be very trying. What's more, simpler doesn't always mean BETTER. Truthfully, I'll take a more complicated life in exchange for the opportunity to wake up every morning (5:45 am PT alarm!) and see my wife next to me. No, simpler doesn't mean better. It just means simpler.

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Misfortune doesn't have to mean disaster

2011-03-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I've been training to run my first marathon since late October. And while the training hasn't always been fun, the end was near. My wife's TDY to Kuwait cancelled my plans to run the Virginia Beach Marathon a couple of weeks ago, so I'd simply postponed the culmination of all those miles of training runs until April 9th, the Charlottesville, VA Marathon. HOWEVER, my marathon training and goal came to an end on Friday, 25 March when I dislocated my ankle, causing a severe (doctor called it horrific) 3rd degree sprain and three partially torn ligaments. As I lay on the floor in agony, the only thought that kept going through my head was simply... There Goes The Marathon. Misfortune had struck. Now, 5 days later I'm walking (if you want to call it that!) without crutches and some of the swelling has gone down. But, as you can imagine, my dream of running a marathon has taken a huge hit. Perhaps in 6 or 7 months I can regain all of the training I'll lose during the next couple of months of rehab and, perhaps I can still strive for that prize. Perhaps not.

The point is this: while misfortune has struck, it doesn't have to be a disaster for me. Sure, I've lost my chance to run a marathon. But my life hasn't ended. And, aside from a very silly looking excuse for what I'm currently calling "walking", I'm not helpless or hopeless. As I was sitting in the ER, pondering my fate, I was reminded of what looked to be a string of misfortunes that hit while my wife was deployed. 4 kids with H1N1 (all at once), one kid with a broken foot, a back that constantly went out, and many more "events" that looked as if they would knock me off my feet. Instead, both my children and I worked through each "body-blow" and moved forward. And that's the ultimate goal for a military spouse: to keep moving forward.

During a deployment, lots of things will go right, and lots of things will go wrong. And while we take relief from the good days, we seem to focus on the bad ones, and the things that go wrong, well they tend to feel like disasters. The sense of isolation and loneliness can contribute to this and make us feel like a single event has the power to bring us crashing down. What we have to realize, though, is that we are bigger and stronger than the events of our lives. In a deployment, it's all about determination, being focused and driven to simply put one foot in front of the other. And each step forward should be hailed as a victory, a success. Being back home and having to do all of the things by yourself that normally would be done by two people makes things much more complicated. And having misfortune thrown in there only compounds the sense of being overwhelmed. But misfortune also gives us the opportunity to grow, to become more than we believe we are. I learned so much about myself during that deployment. I learned that I can handle far more than I ever imagined. You see, a deployment doesn't have to be about just holding things together. It can be about learning more about who you and I really are and what we are capable of. Misfortune doesn't have to mean disaster. It can become an opportunity to grow, to change. The car broke down while your spouse was deployed? Handle the repair calls and getting it fixed by yourself... and learn that you are capable. Bills coming in the mail? Get organized and realize that you can be in charge and responsible for managing the house and finances. Injure yourself? Get to the doctor and do what it takes to heal... and realize you aren't helpless.

As sure as I'm writing this, misfortune will come at the worst time, especially during a deployment. How you respond to it will determine if you'll let it be a disaster or an opportunity to grow.

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Kids are resilient, why aren't we?

2011-03-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

Now that our 3rd separation in the last 12 months is nearing an end (I consider it a separation any time my wife leaves the country for a war zone for anything more than 2 weeks) I can't help but marvel at my children. So much of how we as spouses endure deployments gets talked about, but our kids seem to fly under the radar. Sure, we do hear about the kids who really struggle with mom or dad being deployed, but so many more kids just seem to bounce back and find a way to keep moving forward. Thinking back over last year's 12 month deployment I remember all of the "bad" days I had, days when I was way down in the dumps, lonely, angry, and full of heartache. I remember going to bed in tears as I stared at the untouched pillow on the other side of the bed. I remember those days and how hard they were.

My kids, on the other hand, were amazing. In fact, the way that they just carried on was quite humbling to me. I remember thinking about them just before my wife deployed to Afghanistan back in July of 2009. I remember I was expecting the worst: kids crying in the night, doing poorly in school, withdrawing from other kids... Sure, the first week my wife was gone they were down. But then school started along with all of those extracurricular activities they all do. They found friends to play with and got busy just being kids. In short... they were far more resilient that I ever was. This was also the case when my wife was gone for three and a half weeks in January, and again these past two weeks. I'm amazed by them.

I've learned that I'm not the only parent with amazing kids. I've known lots of spouses dealing with deployments. What I've found is that the vast majority of their children simply carry on with being kids. They go to school, they do their stuff, and then they go outside and play. Military kids bounce back from these separations far better than we, their parents, do. My bad days outnumbered my kids' bad days by a factor of 10! Yes, they had some, but nothing like I did, and I thought I did pretty well...

I've talked to so many people who are in deployments and who are about to go through a deployment. The range of emotions is vast. Most of them have kids and have concerns about how they will do during the separation. Well, if there's one piece of advice I can give to you, it's this: your kids will be fine. So long as you continue to give them the love they need, they will bounce back quickly and will get back to doing what they do best: being kids! Establish a routine that is predictable that they can flourish in, and then sit back and watch them fly.

What's more, and you'll see this for yourself, your children will actually HELP YOU THROUGH THE DEPLOYMENT! Just by being themselves, they'll bring out the laughter that you though was gone. They will make the smiles return and, if nothing else, they will give you a compelling reason to pick yourself up off the ground get yourself moving again. Many days I just wanted to stay in the bed and hope it would hurry on by. But their vitality got me moving. And you know what? It's ok to laugh and smile during a deployment. Children do it every day. Maybe we could learn something from them!

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The Uncertain Life

2011-03-07T18:06:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing that's for sure in this life we lead as an Army family, it's that almost nothing is for sure. My wife is going to deploy in May. No, she's not. She's leaving in April. No, wait... it won't be until August. Actually, it could be late July... No, it'll be somewhere between July and August. ENOUGH ALREADY!!! I'm sure you've been there, too. The military lifestyle is one of uncertainty. There never seems to be any certainty as to where she's going, where we're going, much less when those "goings" might be. Now, I don't know about you, but for someone like me who craves order and stability in my own crazy life, this sort of thing tends to drive me crazy. The truth is, I don't mind moving. I really don't. And, while I DO mind deployments, I've learned to live with the separations and cope. What I struggle with is not knowing when or where those deployments will be.

Take our current situation, for instance. We have a "general" idea that my wife will be deploying again some time late summer. We know where she'll be going. But there are no specifics so far. We're not even sure how long she'll be gone. Further, while we know that we'll be here at Fort Bragg until at least next winter, we have no idea after that. Then there's the Command Selection list that comes out next month. That's the list that tells perspective battalion commanders if they've been selected for a command. We don't know if she's on that list. If she is, there are many different commands she could be selected for. Many, if not most of them, will throw off what we "know" about the coming months. In fact, it is entirely possible (though not that likely) that she will be selected for a command that starts this Fall, meaning the deployment will change and we'll be moving... again.

Speaking of moving... think back how many times you've moved in the last 5 years. For those of you who aren't military and read this blog, your answer is probably 1 time or less. For my military spouse readers, you've probably got a move or two under your belt. Us? We moved in 2005, 2006, 2008, 2009, and 2010. FIVE moves since 2005. If my wife get's selected for one of 3 or 4 commands that start this year, that would make SIX moves since 05. Stability, you say? Never heard of it. Let's take this a step further, shall we? We also made moves in 2004, 2001, and 2000. Yep, you guessed it. That's 8 moves 10 and a half years. In our life, uncertainty rules.

Those of us who have lived as military spouses for any length of time have learned to roll with the punches. We understand that ours is not a normal life. We adjust and adapt to the changes that always seem to be right around the corner. And while all of the moving is tough at times, there are some benefits to it. I'm sure you've noticed them in your life as well, but I'll list a couple of them.

1. New Friends. Everywhere we've been we've gotten to know amazing people. Some of them we've grown very close to. I once heard a friend tell me that with each military move his Christmas card list gets longer. There's a lot of truth to that. By its very nature, the military lifestyle forces you to create new friendships and bonds. And what we've found is that with networking sites like Facebook, you never really have to say goodbye.

2. Wanderlust. I've spoken with many military spouses who feel this urge to pack up and get moving after a couple of years. It's really strange. We move to a place that we like, settle in and make new friends, then a couple years later we're ready to move. I can't explain it. Perhaps it's just the coping mechanism getting into gear, preparing me for another move by making me actually want to move. Weird, I know. In the process, though, we travel all over the country and live in places we NEVER would have had we not been a part of the military.

The truth is, while our lives are a bit on the uncertain side, we learn to deal with it, and then we learn how to thrive in it. For me, I simply don't allow myself to dwell on what's ahead. I just want to do the best I can where I am at RIGHT NOW. That means being a loving and supporting husband to my soldier wife. It means being a nurturing and dedicated father to my kids. And it means being comfortable with who I am and where I am. We don't know where we'll be a year from now. That's ok. I know where I am right now, and I know what I need to do right now. A great passage from the book of Matthew simply states this: "don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." So I've taken that to heart. I concern myself about this week's stuff. What am I making for dinner each night this week? What groceries do I need to buy? How much homework do the kids have and do they need my help? Next year? Don't know. Don't care. I'm here, now. I'll focus on now.

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Sorrow that breaks the heart

2011-02-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

As spouses in these wars, we spend our time trying to keep our families together, trying either to get through the next deployment or helping our fellow spouses through their ordeals. We see the news that a soldier or two have been killed in operations, but somehow we block it out because we don't know them or their family. We grieve with them, but silently we sigh in our hearts, thankful that it wasn't our spouse. And so, we manage to keep the pain of loss away from the inner part of our heart. That is, until the loss is a bit closer than we expected.

Today I received word that 1LT Daren Hidalgo was killed in action in Afghanistan. Daren attended West Point and I was fortunate to be his racquetball coach. I knew and worked with Daren for 3 of his 4 years at West Point. He was often over at our house for burgers or steaks, or just to hang out. He was such a bright light and wonderful person. And his death is a blow to me personally.

We spend so much time worrying about how this war will affect us, our families, that we forget that there are others who are encountering the same fears we do. Then, out of the blue, someone we know, someone we were close to, is gone. And then the pain hits home.

There are no words to ease the pain of a loss like this. Sure, I wasn't a close family member. I was, however, a friend and a mentor to Daren. His loss hurts more than I imagined it could. And now, I miss him more than ever. Two weeks ago, I got a facebook message from him about running in a marathon. I planned to take him up on it was soon as he was back from Afghanistan. Now...

The thing is, these wars have the ability to touch us with grief and sorrow from unexpected sources. I've prayed and hoped for my wife's safety when she's been deployed. I've been relieved to hear her voice after a day or two of no contact, just to know she was ok. Now that she's home, I figured I had nothing to fear from these wars, at least until the next deployment. Then, today's news arrived, along with a heart full of sorrow and grief. I'm left feeling empty and hollow, knowing that Daren's life was ended before his time. I can see his smiling face so clearly, as if it was yesterday. This world is diminished by his loss.

For those of you who read this blog regularly, I encourage you to remember those who are deployed. When someone close to us is killed far away from home, the pain is a reminder that when a soldier we don't know dies, there are those who did know him/her well who are feeling the same pain we are now feeling. Pray for them.

Daren Hidalgo, may you rest in peace. Thank you for enriching my life and the lives of so many around you. You will forever be missed and will never, ever be forgotten.

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Waiting for the other shoe to drop

2011-02-11T06:50:00.000-08:00

Several weeks ago I wrote about dwell time, and the false sense of security that it gives spouses. We hear all about how once they come home, our active duty spouses are "supposed" to get a year at home. And while this is a nice goal, often it just doesn't happen. What's more, even though our soldiers are "guaranteed" a year at home, we've come to discover that a commanding officer can, in fact, waive the requirement that a soldier be at home for a year. And, as we discovered last month, a TDY to a combat zone is also a possibility.

Last month, my wife was sent on TDY back to Afghanistan. She was there for almost a month. Many tried to "reassure" me by saying things like, "at least it's not for a year" or "she'll be home soon". But what so many fail to realize is this: whether it is a short TDY or a long deployment, being sent to a combat zone is dangerous and full of risks. Furthermore, whether it is a short separation or a long one, it is still a separation. You still have to go into deployment mode as a spouse. Once again, the overnight transition from being one parent with one role into being one parent with dual roles takes place. I go from being Dad to being both Dad and Mom.

So this week my wife transitions into a new unit here on Fort Bragg. The upside to this new unit is that they deploy for only 6 months. The downside is that her slot will come up in May. They've told her that they are well aware of her dwell time issues, that she won't have been home for a year until the end of July. That said, it might not make any difference. At this point, I would give it a 60/40 chance (deploy/not deploy) of happening. Add that to the month she just spent in Afghanistan... well you get the picture. 9 months home instead of a year. So now, we're waiting to find out. We should have a pretty good idea as to whether or not this is going to happen by late March/early April.

The fact is, if they tell her to go, then she'll go. And I'll go back into deployment mode again. One thing I can say is this: I don't fear the deployments any more. I've been through them, I know the depths of the trials they present. It is something I can not just survive, but thrive in. I remember the things I did to help cope with the challenges of the deployment. If it comes, I'll be ready for it. In the mean time, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

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Running... it's not just for THEM part 2

2011-01-29T06:37:00.000-08:00

In the last blog I talked about running, and some of the reasons why you and I should embark on this journey. I also talked about having a reason or goal for your running other than simply "I want to lose weight". In this blog I want to discuss with you how to get started and some of the new thinking in distance running (meaning anything other than sprinting).

The first thing to do is pick a reason for running. My recommendation would be for you to find a race that is appealing to you and set that as your first goal. As I said in my last blog, I decided on the Army 10 Miler. It was something I had thought about doing for many years and it was far enough out that I could sufficiently train for it and be ready when the time came. There are plenty of resources out there in terms of lists of upcoming races. One of my favorites is Active.com . You can select the distance you'd like to run and then check to see what's available near you. If you are feeling particularly motivated, find a big, national event to train for, like the A10M, and then go for it. But, and this is important, unless you write it down, register for it and pay the entry fee, it will be something that will be difficult to stay motivated for. There's something about having a financial stake/commitment that keeps us engaged.

Once you have your "reason" you'll need to have your equipment, specifically, your shoes. Now, when selecting the right running shoes you need to absolutely avoid places like Foot Locker and similar stores found in Malls. Yes, they have all types of shoes, but their employees wouldn't know the difference between a stability shoe and a motion control shoe. Further, they wouldn't be able to tell you which one you need. Most cities, however, have at least one local shop that caters specifically to runners. The people who own and work in these stores are usually runners themselves. Many, if not most, will have some sort of set up where they can examine your stride and determine what kind of a runner you are and, therefore, what kind of shoe you need. This is important because your stride can cause you foot and knee trouble without the right kind of shoe. With the right shoe, however, you'll be good to go.

Make sure that you know exactly what type and model shoe you have. That's because as you continue to run and start building up your weekly milage your shoes will start to wear out. The generally accepted consensus is that runners will typically need a new pair of shoes after about 300 miles or so. Now, I know what you are thinking. 300 miles?!?! But stop and consider this for a sec. If you are averaging 15-20 miles a week (which, in truth, is not that much, as you'll see when you start running and tracking your progress), then you're going to be near 80 miles/month. After 3-4 months, you're going to be at or above 300 miles! Obviously you won't be there that quickly when you're first starting out. But as you start running more and are able to go further, those distances will start to add up.

Once you have your shoes, you're ready to go! Now, let's talk about actual running. Being married to the military, we're all aware of how our active duty spouses train. They run and run and run. And then, when they take their PT tests, they have to run a certain distance in a certain time to pass. So, when they train, they run non-stop. The same does NOT have to apply to us. In fact, the new thinking in running these days is actually NOT to run without stopping. Jeff Galloway, probably the foremost expert on running, is a major advocate of adding in walk breaks while you are out on a run. In fact, he believes (and can back it up with proof) that you are a better runner over longer distances when you add in walk breaks. The idea is to stop at regular intervals during a run and walk, say for a minute or so. When you do so, it gives your legs a break and helps preserve some of your energy over the long haul. This also enables your legs to recover faster in the following days than they would have if you'd simply ran the whole distance without stopping. This has commonly been referred to as the Galloway Method.

I'll use myself as an example. Any time I go out for a run, I plan regular walk intervals. For any distance 10 miles or less, I run for 5 minutes, then walk for 1 minute. If my run exceeds 13 miles, then my intervals drop to 4min/1min walk/run. What I've found over the last 8 months is that my legs feel better after runs and the next day than they ever did when I used to run non-stop. What's more, while I can probably manage to run 4-5 miles non-stop, I can go FAR FURTHER when I add in the walk breaks.

In terms of tools to help you get yourself going, I can't give a higher recommendation to Runkeeper. For all of you iPhone/Android users, this is the perfect tool for you. Runkeeper uses the built in GPS to track how far you've run while you're out on the road. Further, it will give you spoken cues at user determined times to let you know how far you've gone and what your pace is. What's more, it can be set up to help you with your run/walk intervals, letting you know when it is time to walk and when it is time to run. Finally, when your run is finished Runkeeper uploads your workout to the Runkeeper.com website (registration is free!) and keeps track of all of your workouts. It will also show your route using google maps. In addition, you can use the share feature to post your run/results to Facebook and Twitter. You can also add your friends who use Runkeeper to what's called a street team allowing you all to compare your runs and motivate each other. I've been using Runkeeper since May 2010 and completely love it. Now, obviously there are other alternatives out there. From those I've tested, though, Runkeeper is far and above the best.

So there you have it. It's time to get out there, get in shape, and enjoy running. What are you waiting for???

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Running... it's not just for THEM part 1

2011-01-20T17:02:00.000-08:00

Here we are in a new year. Every January people all over the world decide to do something new with their lives. They make resolutions. Whatever they are, most of the time they aren't kept or followed through on. There are varied reasons as to why, but mostly it is because those resolutions are simply too big to keep or they are pursued incorrectly. One thing, though, that we can all do is run. Not only is it something we can do, but it is, more importantly, something we can do with our active duty spouses. They do it because, well, they have to. We can do it simply for the fun of it and to stay fit.

Now, if you're like me, you've got some extra around the middle that's been there for a LONG time. So, before we go any further, let me put one thing to rest: if you are thinking of taking up running simply to lose weight, YOU WON'T SUCCEED. Huh? That's right. Running simply to lose weight is an exercise (pun only partly intended...) in frustration. Scale watching will only serve to aggravate and ultimately depress you. So if you're intending to start running, you'll have to have another reason or goal in mind besides weight loss.

If you are truly intent on starting to run, then you need to have a plan, a reason for WHY you are running. Go on the internet and find before/after pictures of people who were a bit large and decided to start running. The difference will astound you! Nearly every one of them, though, set out to complete something, such as a marathon, as a means to lose weight. The training and working towards that goal had the added bonus of weight loss.

For me, it was the desire to run in the Army 10 Miler. Yep, that's right... 10 miles. I knew, from lots of friends who'd done it, that it is a truly amazing run through Washington, DC. So I decided I would give it a go.

Please understand that I wasn't able to go out and start running 10 miles. Far from it! In fact, the first time I went out I barely survived 2 miles. But I believed, correctly, that even though I was WAY short of my goal of being able to run 10 miles I would eventually be able to work my way up to it over the course of 5 months. And as the months went by, my longest runs (I'll explain all of that in the next blog, part 2) slowly climbed from 3 miles, to 5, then to 7, then 8, 10, then finally 12 miles. There were setbacks along the way, but I just continued to work at it and get better and stronger at running.

Finally, October rolled around and I finished a goal that I had set for myself 5 months earlier. I completed the Army 10 Miler. As an added benefit, I've dropped nearly 20 pounds in the process. Yes, losing weight is something that you will do if you stick to your plan and reach your goal. But losing weight shouldn't BE your goal. It wasn't mine and still isn't.

Now, whatever goal you set for yourself should be something that you want to do, something that will challenge and push you but not overwhelm you. For instance, you might decide to complete a half (or even a full) marathon. That's certainly a good goal. It is not achievable if you're goal is to do it next month! When I decided to run the ATM I gave myself 5 months to train for it. In the end, that turned out to be plenty of time. Once you've settled on your goal, you need to do just that: allow yourself 4-5 months to get yourself into shape to do it. You will be absolutely amazed at what you can accomplish! What's more, you can participate in some 5k and 10k races along the way, as part of your training. Those are tons of fun and easy to complete once you've started your running. Further, running is a great deployment activity, a wonderful way to release the stress of having to hold everything together while they are gone.

Finally, you'll find, just like I did, that going for a run will become something you enjoy. I used to bad mouth MANY of my friends who were runners (always to their face!!!) because it didn't look like fun to me. Now, here I am feeling lost if I miss a run. I truly enjoy going out for a run. I love running on a nice day and just being outside. And, like me, before you know it you'll be out for a leisurely run and, without realizing it, you'll have run 5 miles! You'll step on the scale and realize you've lost a ton of weight! And most importantly, you'll feel better about yourself!

In the next installment I'll talk about getting started and what some of the experts on running (yes, there are experts on running) are saying about it. So what are you waiting for? Go get yourself some running shoes and get out there and do something for YOU!!!

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A new year, the same challenges

2011-01-01T06:37:00.001-08:00

So here we are, the first day of the new year. So much happened in 2010 that it seems hard to remember what life was like just a year ago. A year long deployment lasted through the middle of the year. Three months were spent in reintegration, learning to be a family again. Thanksgiving and Christmas were spent together, unlike 2009. A year of flux and change.

And so now, I have to admit that as late as last week I looked to 2011 with a sense of hope that the new year would bring an opportunity for us to be together for a while longer, to avoid any more deployments for as long as possible. At first, we believed that there wouldn't be any until early 2012 at the earliest. Now... we could be looking at another separation as early as May.

The Army tracks what is known as Dwell Time. This is the time that your soldier spends at home, and not deployed. What they strive for is a 1 to 1 ratio: 1 year deployed, 1 year at home. And while that is likely to increase in the years to come, so far it hasn't. Where this can go awry, though, is when your soldier changes units. Let's say he/she got back in July, then went to a different unit not long after. If they are deploying before the year at home is up, then he/she may very well be out of luck. This... is our situation. Instead of getting a year together, it is possible that we'll endure another separation as soon as May, meaning we will have only had 10 months together.
Deployments are nothing new. Milspouses have been enduring them for the last 10 years. And while they are difficult and challenging (especially when children are involved) they aren't the end of the world. We face them with a determination, to not just survive, but to thrive in them.

A new year brings a sense of newness, an opportunity to change one's self for the better. Milspouses, though, must temper this with the realization that many of the challenges of the previous year will return in the coming year. This makes remembering what you've learned in previous deployments so vital for the coming years. All of us have a tendency to try and put the former difficulties behind us and move on with our lives. The danger in this, however, is that many of those difficulties will be back. I learned so much about myself during my wife's last deployment. I made changes to who I was and decided I'd be a better husband and father than ever before. I have to remember what brought me though that year because that is what will get me through the next deployment.

Many of you who read my blog are also facing deployments in 2011. Remember that you survived the last one. Remember that, in the end, it wasn't as bad as you believed it would be. Remember that a deployment gives you the opportunity to better yourself. Remember all of the things that you learned about yourself and KNOW, not just believe, that you can do it. And finally, ALWAYS REMEMBER... You Are Not Alone.

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Living through a deployment Christmas

2010-12-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

For many of you who are reading this blog, this Christmas will be spent separated from your soldier. Of all of the times of year, this is the hardest to be going through a deployment. Christmas is all about being with your family and sharing the joy of all that the holidays have to offer. When my wife was deployed last year I remember Christmas being the hardest, loneliest part of the 12 months. I remember well dreading the coming of December and Santa's arrival. No other special occasion, it seems to me, hurt more. Not anniversary, not birthdays, not even Thanksgiving. All of those were bearable. Christmas was a different matter. So the question arrises: how do you get through it without crawling into a deep dark hole until it is over? Well... to put it simply, you get though it any way you can. There are some things you can do to blunt some of the loneliness which I will share with you. Keep in mind that nothing is going to totally make the pain of separation go away. It is what it is.

The first thing you can do is more important that you'll realize. Simply put, do your best to NOT be alone. Whether it is family or friends, surround yourself with people. Last year I went to several Christmas parties and enjoyed myself simply because I wasn't alone. Yes, I know, seeing others with their spouses or SO's can cause some loneliness. But that's nothing compared to sitting alone in your house after the kids have gone to bed and staring at a Christmas tree by yourself. Being with other people can take your mind off of what you're missing most, even if it is for a short period of time. And you might actually find yourself (gasp) having a good time. Remember, enjoying yourself during a deployment is NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT. In fact, I believe it is vital to coming through a difficult time. Our spouses may be gone, but we still have to carry on here. There's no rule, law, or moral reasoning that says we have to be miserable.
Another survival tip is one that can actually make you feel even better about this time of year. Put simply... be a blessing to others. Use some of that tax free deployment pay and get your kids (for those of you who are parents) a few more presents and tell them they are from mom/dad who is gone. Yes, I know, the season isn't just about presents. But there's nothing that says you can't enjoy going out and buying cool stuff for your kids!

You can also use this time of year to help others. Do you know anyone who is down on their luck? Help them out by buying their kids some presents or making them a Christmas meal. Go with your church to hand out coats and winter clothes to those in need. Whatever the way you decide to serve, just do it. Serving and blessing others is one of the best ways to get your mind OFF of how tough this time of year is for you and me. We can do for others and feel a sense of warmth in our heats because we are making a difference in someone else's life. And you know as well as I do that when we start helping out others in their circumstances, it tends to make what's wrong in our lives seem not quite so bad after all.

Finally, on Christmas day, make it special for the kids. If you need to put on a happy act, then do so. If you're feeling down, don't let them pick up on it. Christmas morning is for them, to begin with, and it is the day that they've most looked forward to for the past 364 days of the year. After the presents are finished and the kids are enjoying their toys, write a letter/email to your deployed spouse and tell them all about it. Be detailed. Fill it full of imagery so they can picture being there too. And, more importantly, spend that HUGE Christmas meal with people you care about. I can't think of better people than those going through a deployment just like you. That's one of the great things about the military community. We stick together during tough times. Family, friends, whoever. Spend that day with PEOPLE. Don't spend it alone.

Before you know it, the 26th will be here and you will have made it. You can do it. Is it tough? Yes. Impossible? No. Make the most of it and do what you have to to get through it. And remember: It's ok to enjoy yourself. This deployment is about you just as much as your soldier. As spouses, we've earned it.

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It's all in the perspective

2010-11-22T09:52:00.001-08:00

As I was driving in town yesterday, I was reminded of the approaching holidays by all of the wreaths and Christmas things that are out. I felt an excitement build inside of me for the coming holidays. As I drove on, I remembered these same days from last year, and how DIFFERENT they were. I remember dreading both Thanksgiving and Christmas, knowing that we'd be celebrating them without my wife who was deployed at that time. As I've written in past blogs, Christmas last year was quite dark for me. I remember faking smiling and laughing for the kids as they opened their presents, then sinking into a deeper whole as the day went on, culminating in getting completely hammered later that afternoon and evening (something I'm not proud of, btw...). All I wanted was for that singular day to simply end. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see December 26th in my life!

So... here I am, a year later. Not only do I have a different outlook this year for the coming holidays than I did last year, but I also believe that I am looking forward to the holidays more this year than in any years in the past since childhood. You see, looking back on the past couple of decades I realize that the holidays weren't much of a big deal to me. I guess I was basically indifferent about them. Sure, it was fun to watch the kids open presents, but after that it really didn't mean that much any more. Yes, I understand the meaning of Christmas as a Christian. I know we're celebrating the birth of Christ. But a part of me really just looked at it as any other day. Sometimes, it was even more trouble than fun (ever been up all night on Christmas Eve putting something together???). This year, though, I have a completely different perspective. Having gone through last year's darkness has brought about a very deep appreciation for the coming holidays. I'm completely stoked about decorating the house and playing Christmas music every day. I can't wait to hang the stockings, tell the Christmas story, and leave Santa some milk and cookies. What was torture last year and just a hassle in years past is instead something I can't wait for this year.

This picture really shows what I've come to understand about living this military life. Deployments are like raging storms. They are full of uncertainty and bring out that primordial fear in all of us (remember being scared of the lightning and thunder when you were a kid?). When we are in a deployment we can't see the clear skies on either side of it. It seems impossible to remember what life was like before hand, and the day when our spouses finally come home always seems so distant. And yet, the storms pass. And, I think, the really bad storms help us to truly appreciate the peaceful and clear weather that all of us take for granted from time to time. Silly things that we used to get upset about (seriously, who cares which end of the toothpaste tube you squeeze!) now seem quite trivial when we realize that we'd give anything for that person who did those things to come back home. And when they are home, we begin to realize that we've been taking so much for granted. Christmas this year, for me, will be one of the best ever. And it will simply be because I'm on the other side of the storm and my perspective has changed. What's more, I'm thankful for that storm. Because without it, everything would seem the same as it always had been.

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It's their rank, not ours!

2010-11-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

We've all seen it: a military spouse who, for whatever reason, believes that he/she should be elevated in the spouse community because of his/her soldier-spouse's rank. Now, I can't speak for the enlisted community, but I can certainly say that in my years being married to an officer I've seen more than my share of milspouses who acted as if they wore the rank. We are all proud of our spouses. They sacrifice and serve and, in time, are promoted. As they move up in rank, privileges are added. Some of those privileges are accorded to us in the process, such as our housing. For instance: now that my wife is a moving up in rank we are finally living in a single family home on post. It's a first for us. I remember well the days of duplexes and apartments. We all do. Some of you who are reading this are probably still there. (Take heart... you won't be there forever!)

But what is amazing to me is how some spouses take access to these privileges as a sign that with their soldier's promotions they have also been promoted in the "spouse ranks". I had the unfortunate experience several weeks ago of sitting through a meeting where one spouse of a high ranking officer talked to the group. I was shocked at how this person began to talk in a very nice but still condescending manner to the rest of us. Inwardly, I just shook my head. Someone else at the meeting texted me during that talk and said " (this person) wears her husband's rank!" And I thought I was the only one who noticed it!

I'm fully aware of the difference in experience between a spouse who's been part of the military family for 20 years and a spouse who's only been a part of it for 3 years. Nevertheless, I'm of the opinion that whether your husband/wife is a PFC or a Full Bird colonel doesn't change who you or I are as a spouse. Respect and honor are due to our soldiers on the basis of their rank, more so if they've earned it from those they lead or serve with. As spouses, I believe that respect and honor is not something that should be given based on who you are married to, but on how you conduct yourself. I'm sure some spouses have done great things. But if they come in and expect deference based on their husband/wife's rank, well... that's just not the way it works.

As milspouses we have the unenviable task of holding things together and keeping the house running (ever heard of Household 6?) while they go to work defending our country. A PFC's wife does no more or less than a Captain's spouse. I'm reminded of the Bible verse in the New Testament that said "he who would be great must first be a servant of all."

As our journey in the Army has progressed I've come to realize that just because I've been through a couple of deployments or just because we've moved MANY times doesn't mean I know everything or have all of the answers. When I attend FRG meetings I look at everyone there as being in the same boat as I am. I simply couldn't imagine striding to the front of the room and "assuming" leadership of the FRG just because of who my wife is. We should give honor and deference to the spouses who work hard for the unit, who show up at every bake sale and car wash, who call to check on hurting families of wounded warriors and who are there for the spouses of the fallen. Those are the true leaders of our spouse community. Who their husband/wife may be is irrelevant. What they've given back to our other spouses is everything. That's what matters.

I'm sure that this blog will elicit some strong feelings, some in agreement with me, others who couldn't disagree more. That's fine. Feel free to comment as you like. This is something that's been on my mind for a while. If nothing else, it will make us all aware of how we conduct ourselves when we are around other milspouses.

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You don't have to be miserable during a deployment Part 2

2010-11-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

In my last blog I began this new series about making a deployment something other than miserable. I talked about travel and gave a great example of something that you can do with your kids while your spouse is deployed. In this blog, I want to focus on you. I think that we can get so caught up with our children and making sure they are well taken care of and happy during this time that we forget about ourselves. We spend months doing handstands and bending over backwards trying to keep the "sad monster" away from our kids only to find ourselves feeling empty and lost. What we FAIL to realize is this: our mental and physical well being is every bit as important as that of our kids!

One of the most important things for you and I to do once a deployment begins is to set some goals for the year that he/she is gone. Those goals can have to do with nearly anything, so long as you can actually see progress and results. What does that mean? Easy. Don't set yourself a goal of something like "I'm going to get along with my in-laws better". Huh? What kind of goal is that? First of all, we should all know THAT will never happen! (Ok, I jest, but you get my drift!). What I'm talking about is something that you've always wanted to do or accomplish but never felt you had the time or energy. Believe it or not, a deployment is the perfect time. You get to set the family schedule. You get to decide what is important for you and the kids and what isn't. Time management is all yours! So it's time to make the most of it! Let me give you some examples.

Back when my wife was gone on her deployment, I decided that I wanted to start running again. Now, as a big guy (6-1, 260) running doesn't really come that easy. That really didn't matter to me. I just wanted to run. Along with that, I decided to make it worth my while to run, so I entered the Army 10 Miler. It gave me something to think about and plan for and something to do. And yes, I did finish the ATM two weeks ago, thus fulfilling one of my goals. While becoming a runner may not be your cup of tea, the point is for you to find something that you've wanted to do or try or work towards and do it. Maybe you've always wanted to read a certain book. Go get it! How about learning to cook a certain meal? Hit the grocery store and buy the ingredients! What about getting more fit and losing weight? Set a gym time 3 days a week while the kids are in school and go! Want to learn to play an instrument? Find a teacher and start learning! There are so many different things that you can accomplish during a deployment.

The thing is... we have this mentality that once he/she is gone, we're going to be up to our necks in keeping things together and believe that all we can hope for is just to survive. The truth is, though, if you are only hoping to simply survive, then you are wasting a huge opportunity to make changes in your life and do things you've always wanted to do.

So how do you work your way to accomplishing whatever it is you've set out to do? The most important thing is to make it part of your routine. As most of you probably already know, a solid, iron clad routine is the key to raising kids and keeping up with the home while your spouse is deployed. It keeps the kids on the same page as you and provides a bit of sanity to our lives. Whatever it is you set out to do as your deployment goal, it MUST become part of your routine. Otherwise, it will get dropped and you'll lose track of your goals. Make working towards your goal part of your day. Maybe it is only 2 or 3 days a week. Fine. Just make sure you plan your days around it. Remember, you are in charge of your time. What you do during the day is up to you.

Finally, and most importantly, as I told a friend recently who is going through a deployment there is one thing that you ABSOLUTELY MUST remember: mommy/daddy guilt is NOT ALLOWED. What do I mean by that? Simple. You are not permitted to feel guilty because you are thinking of getting a sitter to come over and watch the kids while you go out for some YOU time. Your proper frame of mind depends on how much stress you are able to release. If you feel like you just can't leave the kids with a sitter because their mommy/daddy is deployed, then you need to switch that off ASAP and call that sitter! Find a neighborhood teenager who you trust to come over once or twice a week. They love to work for some spending money, the kids love playing with them, and you'll love being in a car ALONE and listening to whatever you want to! Go to the gym. Go for a run. Go take a class. Do whatever you are interested in. Whatever it is, make some time for yourself. Work towards something you've always wanted to do. You'll find you're a lot happier than you imagined you could be during the deployment!

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You don't have to be miserable during a deployment! Part 1

2010-10-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

I remember when my wife left for Afghanistan last Summer thinking about the long hard road ahead. Getting through a year of raising kids alone, not to mention the associated loneliness that goes along with the separation, was a like a giant mountain in my way. But I learned, as I'm sure you will as well, that just because my spouse was gone didn't mean I had to sit still and be miserable for the whole year. In fact, I decided that the kids and I would actually make the most of it. And that's what I'd like most to share with you. When you are starring down a deployment you simply need to decide that your life (and, your kids' lives as well) aren't going to come to a halt. One of the great things that you can do during a deployment is travel. TRAVEL??? WITH THE KIDS? ALONE??? Yep. In fact, I think you might find, as I did, that it really isn't that hard. And there are a number of places you can go that are super kid friendly. The picture I've included above is from Great Wolf Lodge. Now, plenty of military families already know about GWL, but in case you don't, you'll want to learn FAST! It's a hotel (there are 7 of them across the country, 1 in Canada) with a giant indoor water park attached.

Now, I know what you might be thinking. How can I watch all of the kids at once in a water park? The answer will surprise you. You don't have to. Be it because of the liability or some other reason, GWL staffs their water parks with an abundance of lifeguards. And these aren't the ones who are barely interested in your child's safety while sitting up in their high chair. They are probably the most attentive lifeguards I've EVER seen. You really can go in there, set you kids loose, and find a nice chair and settle in with a book. The place is nothing short of amazing. And I think you'll find, just as I did, that your kids will be content to just stay in the park from sun up to sun down. What's more, there is a place in the park itself you can buy lunch from if you don't want to get dried off and go somewhere.

The rooms are totally kid focused. They have bunk beds and little hideaways in their rooms so the kids can enjoy themselves. Don't believe me? Go to their website and check it out for yourself. And for those times you're not in the water park, you can choose to eat your meals in their restaurant. It is buffet style and the food is better than average. At bed time every evening they have story time with some animate/robot animals. The encourage all of the children to come out to the central area, in their PJs, and sit back for a story before bed. Now, the only drawback to a stay at GWL is the cost. For my kids and I, it was usually a bit over $200/night. Expensive, I know, but to me it was worth it. 2 or 3 days spent away from all of the reminders of the deployment in a care free environment can do wonders for morale. And the totally relaxed pace of the days spent their will certainly knock your stress levels down several notches.

While I highly recommend GWL, this is certainly not the only thing that I'll be discussing over the coming weeks. The thing I want most to emphasize is this: You don't have to be miserable during a deployment. You can make the most of it and pass the time while your spouse is gone. Next week I'll discuss another option for you and your family. Until then, keep your chin up!

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Commissary Ethics part 2... what THEY should know!

2010-10-14T05:48:00.000-07:00

Now that I've said my fill about those who shop at the commissary without regard to those around them, it is now time to begin our ethics classes for those who are in charge over at the commissary. Even on days when nearly everyone shopping there are courteous and considerate of others, there still seem to be many frustrations that can make the grocery shopping experience painful. Today we're going to look at a couple of those and propose some changes that will make the prospect of spending an hour in the commissary a little less angst filled. With any luck, those in charge will read this blog, show some kindness, and make a few changes.

Let me start by getting one of the major issues of shopping at the commissary out of the way: the checkout. Nearly every grocery store in America will let you choose any open register line you want. Not so at the commissary. No... we must all get into one long, snaking line that winds its way towards the registers. There we wait until the robotic voice proclaims "Next Please" with a register number lighting up on a board. In all my years, both in and out of the military, I've NEVER seen this in a civilian grocery store. What makes this even more problematic is that when the robot tells us to proceed, you will inevitably get someone in the line who is confused by where they are supposed to go, thus holding everyone up. I don't blame them... I've gotten confused by it as well. So, then, I ask our fearless leaders in the commissary... please get rid of that ridiculous snaking line and let people simply form up behind the open register of their choice.

That brings us to the next issue at hand for discussion: crowded aisles. The reason this comes

next is because it is related to the above issue. Why a snaking line? Because there simply isn't room for longer lines behind registers. Why? Because they have managed to crowd and clog nearly every aisle and walkway with extra displays of every imaginable product. What's more, they manage to put some of these displays in the aisles themselves. Small aisles that already jam up with folks who can't seem to move over are made even tighter by all of these extra things. In some places there is only room for one cart to pass. What's more, these displays will actually cover up the product on the shelves behind them. Are they telling us they DON'T want us to by that? Are they really trying to hide the PopTarts from us? Hey, I don't like Uncle Ben's Wild Mix Rice either, but someone might want to find it... In the commissary's push to provide us with more and more product options, they succeed only in making it hard to find other stuff and causing traffic jams in the process. Solution? Cut down on some of the extra stuff and clear the aisle space.

Let's move on to the produce aisle. Anyone who has shopped at the commissary knows that shopping for produce is hit and miss. Just because they put it on the shelves doesn't mean it will be fresh. In fact, one of the worst items for that seems to be their fruits. Have you ever gone to the commissary to buy some fresh fruit for your family only to find that much of it was over ripe and possibly already rotten? My favorite is the strawberries. I go and pick up a plastic box of them. I open it up when I get home to find that many of them are covered in mold. Huh? How do these items go bad so quickly? That date on the box means sell BEFORE, no AFTER. And then there's the vegetables. Bell peppers and squash are my two favorite offenders. That last time I checked, bell peppers and squash weren't supposed to be wrinkled. And the lettuce probably shouldn't be shriveled and brown... just a guess. Finally, I really don't mind at all if you all want to reorganize the fruits and vegetables, perhaps even move them to different places. If you do, though, please remember to label them correctly. Hot peppers really look nothing like Idaho potatoes. And I'm pretty sure that Granny Smith apples aren't long, slightly curved, yellow fruit.

Next, let's move on to the meat aisle. Now, let me first say that this is where the commissary separates itself from civilian grocery stores. Meat prices are usually better here than out there. And while the selection isn't as good, price can certainly make up for it. Unless, that is, you're attempting to buy chicken. That, my friends, is a different story. Have you ever gone to the commissary only to find that the shelves that have the chicken are empty? This is something that I really do struggle to understand. Did the farm suddenly run out of chickens? Did they all fly away (even though they can't fly)? I've had meat department employees tell me there was a rush on the chicken and they ran out. Pardon? Were you suddenly caught of guard by a run on frozen chicken? Does such a thing even happen? I'm not sure where the breakdown takes place, but I can suggest one quick remedy: order more before you run out. If you go off post you'll find the meat freezers in all of the civilian grocery stores full of chicken. Do they know something the commissary doesn't? Did they find the secret black-market source of boneless chicken?

Finally, there's that little annoyance of not being able to do my grocery shopping on Mondays. This is one that I've NEVER been able to understand. Have you ever gone to a civilian grocery store on a Monday only to find it was closed? Why are they closed? Stocking, you say? Interesting. One of the worst offenders of aisle blocking are commissary employees who are stocking a shelf. That begs the question: if they are blocking the aisles and stocking shelves on Tuesdays through Sundays, what exactly are they doing on Mondays? Is it some sort of secret club meeting? Now, in the interest of full disclosure, the new commissary here at Fort Bragg (we have two) is now open on Mondays. The other one, though, shuts its doors every Monday. I would love for someone to explain THAT ONE to me. One is open, the other is closed. Are you telling me that the employees are more capable of stocking shelves during the week at one store than they are at the other? Perhaps the manager at the older one just believes down deep in his/her heart that being open on Mondays will only lead to trouble and he/she must, therefore, protect his/her employees from unnecessary harm. There was a line from the movie "That Thing You Do" where Guy's father proclaims "I don't believe I want to live in a country where I have to be open on a Sunday." Do the commissary people hold the same belief for Monday's? I've never heard of someone being offended for having to work on a Monday, but I guess it's possible.

While these two blogs on commissary shopping have been written a bit tongue and cheek, there are some underlying truths to them. I know many people who simply refuse to shop on post because the commissary can just be too frustrating. I find myself, in fact, doing about half of my grocery shopping at Wal Mart. When I get my list together and head out the door, I ask myself if I'm willing to put up with the sometimes unpleasant experiences of going to the commissary in order to save some money. I guess it depends mostly on whether or not I'm in a hurry and what sort of mood I'm in.

These challenges of shopping at the commissary aren't new. I've been a military spouse for nearly 12 years now. They are the same today as they were in 1998 when I married into the Army. I can only hope that one of you who read this will forward it to someone who will forward it to someone who might pass it on to a brother of a friend of a cousin who works at the commissary. I don't think these are monumental changes or suggestions that would be impossible to implement. Then again, I could be wrong...

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Commissary Ethics part 1... what everyone should know!

2010-09-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

Military families face many challenges. At the same time, we're given many privileges, among them the option to do our grocery shopping at the commissary. With less of a markup on goods, cheaper prices on meats, and no sales tax shopping at the commissary can save military families money over the long haul. While there are many advantages to shopping for our groceries at the commissary, there are some very, shall we say... annoying, challenges to making a trip there. I propose, therefore, that a new set of "commissary ethics" be sent to each military family to make everyone's time there a bit less frustrating.

First on our new ethics/guidelines for commissary shopping is YOUR cart placement while shopping. I understand completely how important it is to be able to use a cart when shopping. We all have tons of stuff to get when we go grocery shopping. Where you put your cart when you are deciding on an item on a shelf, though, can mean the difference between me smiling and saying hello as I walk by and instead growling at you and saying something I might regret. If you are walking down an isle and need to stop, then PLEASE move your cart to the side of the isle next to the shelves. That way, those of us who aren't buying what you're buying don't have to stand and wait behind you while you compare prices and check labels. Leaving your cart in the MIDDLE of the isle while you are stopped should result in you not being able to use a cart the next time you come to the commissary and instead have to put everything in a backpack.

It is completely understandable that you might need to call your spouse at home to see if there's something you've remembered that's not on the list, perhaps you need it, perhaps not. What is NOT acceptable is for you to walk down through the commissary slowly while you concentrate on your conversation. I understand that you DON'T have eyes in the back of your head and can't see me behind you. So please remember there might actually be someone behind you because, yes... there is in fact someone else in this commissary BESIDES you. Those of us who are shopping along side of you also might not have the extra free time to also slow down BEHIND you. If you're going to call home and ask about an item that you may or may not need, then please do so from a spot where you won't be blocking the rest of us.

Next up on our new list of commissary ethics is the tricky issue of our spouses. Now, I fully understand our desire to spend as much time with our spouses as we can, and if we're going to shop a the commissary it helps sometimes to have them with us. HOWEVER, I would ask that you reconsider bringing your beloved spouse with you if he/she is simply going to be bored and not stay with you. One of the worst things is getting behind someone who is simply bored and "kicking tires" up and down the isles. They tend to walk slowly with both hands in their pockets. And in the process, they get in the way. For some reason, they don't just get in the way once, but over and over again. I get the fact that they are trying to do something to alleviate the boredom they are feeling. In the process, though, they can turn my effort to get what I need and get out of the commissary into a very frustrating undertaking. I love my wife, as I'm sure you love your spouse. And so I ask that you please keep your bored spouse under control and close by, just like you would with a wayward child.

Which reminds me... children at the commissary. Before we go any further, let me say I'm a fan of kids. I love 'em. I have four of my own. And yes, I do take my kids grocery shopping with me. And I have absolutely no problem with you bringing your kids. That said, if you're going to bring them, please keep them close. Perhaps you do park your cart on the side of the isle. Maybe you do go off to the side to use your cell phone. And lets say you also do a good job of keeping your bored spouse nearby. None of that does any good, though, if you're kids are running crazy up and down the isles. And they have a singular ability to block an isle like almost nothing else. And when they come flying around a corner to the next isle, they can be as destructive as a tornado. "Clean up on isle 3" is almost always the result of a generally good if not quite careful child. I agree that your children are both wonderful and precious. They just need to be kept close to you while you are grocery shopping.

Commissary shopping can be a very helpful thing for milspouses. It can also be a very frustrating experience when others forget they aren't the only ones there. It can seriously try anyone's patience! Spread the word on these proposed new commissary ethics guidelines and lets change the face of our world... or at least the commissary!

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Redeployment and Reintegration Part 8: How long is long enough?

2010-09-23T05:55:00.000-07:00

When you think about reintegration, there is a tendency to try to quantify what it means, or to list out a specific set of goals to be met. Many of us like to have a check list when we approach a task. I know I do. Once all of our items are checked off, the task is complete. Take, for instance, Taekwondo. On your way to a black belt, you must first achieve a whole line of colored belts. And before you can move from one colored belt to the next, you have certain things that you must accomplish that will add colored stripes for your belt. Once you've notched 4 or 5 (depending on that color belt's requirements) stripes you're ready to test for your next belt.

Reintegration isn't like that. It will disappoint many to know that there aren't really any specific, definable goals for reintegration. In fact, more times than not, you're nearly through with it before you even realize it. The thing is, when you are dealing with your marriage and your family, the dynamics are far more complex than a simple set of tasks. Ask yourself: What would you put on your checklist to show your marriage is as strong (if not stronger) as when your spouse deployed? Can you list out A, B, C, and so on as the tasks that you completed to bring you to a strong marriage? Can you point to a "if we do this, this, and this then we'll be finished with reintegration" list that would cover all of the bases? Unlikely in the extreme.

After a year spent apart, military families face the daunting challenge of learning to live together as a whole family once the deployment ends. Many will say "can't you just pick up where you left off?" as if it was some kind of short out of town trip. What many, if not most, don't realize is that so many things in our lives change over the course of a year. While you and your spouse may not have grown apart, you certainly grew separately instead of together. A whole host of deployment survival mechanisms and walls that the military spouse has built up to protect himself/herself now must be dismantled and torn down. While the service member has to learn how to be a parent and spouse again, the military spouse has to unlearn being both mommy and daddy, give up being the sole authority of the house, and learn how to share household responsibilities. (That may surprise you, but milspouses have had to be responsible for EVERYTHING in the household; the urge to handle/fix every problem or issue in the home is not something easily gotten rid of.) Then there is the very basic emotions that go through our minds every day. For instance, it still seems weird to me that my wife is home. Yes, she's been home for nearly 2 months now, but I still haven't quite gotten used to her being here every day. I still have trouble sleeping some nights because there is someone sleeping next to me. Surprised? You shouldn't be. When you have spent a year sleeping in a bed alone, having someone there every night takes some getting used to.

There is also the issue of parenting. For a year my word was law in our house. No one questioned how I raised the kids or the rules I set out for them. Now that my wife is home, some of my "rules" don't make sense to her. Further, many times in the past month and a half I've had to discipline my kids (as all parents do). When one of them is in tears or sad because they're in trouble, she's said something to them like, "it's ok," when, in fact, it isn't. If it was OK, then they wouldn't have gotten in trouble in the first place. Obviously, my wife isn't condoning what they've done wrong, nor is she contradicting my punishment for them. What she's doing is trying to comfort them in their sadness because she hasn't seen them like this in a year. What she doesn't realize, though, is that you simply can't tell a child that it's ok when they've been disciplined. You can forgive them, love them, hold them. But you can't tell them it's ok because what they've done isn't ok. Beyond discipline there are the mundane things like food and clothing that our service member spouses want input on, whereas we're used to just doing as we see fit.

So the inevitable question comes up: how long does reintegration last? As I've said in previous blogs, you should allow AT LEAST 1 week for every month they were gone. For us, that meant there would be no trips, no overnight separations for a minimum of 12 weeks. Further, we decided there would be no out of town guests coming to visit until November, basically meaning a full 3 months. Perhaps that seems like a long time. Let me assure you that a year apart is FAR LONGER. Like a surgery that requires recovery time, a marriage in reintegration requires time as well. You simply can't rush it or not take it seriously. What's more, even if you're feeling like you're back to normal earlier than the time you had set aside, don't assume things are actually back to normal. Learning to live as a family together again takes time, and especially, PATIENCE. If you're going to err, do so on the side of extra time. Friends and family might want to visit early, either of you might want to go off with a friend for a day or so. Say NO. Don't do it. Give your marriage and family the time it needs to become completely whole. Then give it a little extra time. Friends and family are important. Your marriage and family is MORE important. Everyone and everything else can wait. Your marriage can't. Reintegration is absolutely no joke. Take it seriously and cautiously and you'll come out of it with your marriage and family complete and whole again.

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They just don't deal with the kids like we do.

2010-09-16T06:44:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just wanted to take a couple of days away from the kids? It is the silent (ok, not always so silent!) dream of nearly every stay-at-home parent. The opportunity to simply take a break, a vacation from the day to day role of raising kids. Now, understand that I am not calling what we do a chore. However, just as working people get vacations away from work, sometimes we need to take a break from what we do every day. Instead of a week full of laundry, meals, homework, runny noses and poopie bottoms, wouldn't a week on a tropical island with no one pulling on our shirts or calling out that dreaded word (DADDY!!!!... or MOMMY for those of you who are of the female persuasion... ) over and over again?

Well, if you've ever thought of actually taking that leap, I'm sure there've been several obstacles blocking that trip to tranquility. First, and foremost, is the fact that many of us who do the daily child raising aren't completely convinced that our spouse could actually handle things while we are gone. Have you ever been gone for a day, say maybe a shopping trip or a day of running errands, and gotten home only to have your spouse say "man... I'm so glad you're back. The kids are driving me crazy!" or "I'm at the end of my rope with the kids!" All we can do is simply look at them with disbelief. How can things have gotten so bad with them in the time that I've been gone?

I've often thought about why it is that parents who work at a job during the day struggle when asked to take the kids for an extended period of time. I was talking to a friend recently who related to me that he didn't know how his wife managed with the kids. He talked about the times (rare) that he "had" the kids. He told me he would quickly run out of patience and would be completely stressed mere hours after she had left. Truthfully, this is something I hear quite often from parents who work outside the home. What I've struggled with for years, though, is understanding WHY a parent would have trouble being with their kids and being responsible for them for more than 10 minutes. I would think, "seriously dude... they're YOUR kids!" And I would really struggle with not feeling a sense of anger towards them. As a stay at home parent, I know the ins and outs of bad days with the kids. What my wife would consider as a bad day with the kids would be nothing more than a normal day from my standpoint.
One thing that never ceases to amaze me is grocery shopping with the kids. I truly and honestly think nothing of hauling my 4 kids with me to the grocery store. And yet, when my wife is home and I get ready to go, she'll say something like "can you take one or two of the kids with you?" Huh??? Or, she'll say something like, "I can't go to the store until you get back because I just can't take all of the kids with me." Seriously??? Over the last 9 years or so I've taken the kids with me wherever I've gone, whether it be a trip to the grocery store or to sit at a restaurant. I've always been of the mentality that they WILL conform to what I want to do. They will be in orbit around me, not the other way around. And so, as you can imagine, I expect the same of my wife. I expect that if I can do it, so can she. After all, they are her kids as well. Right?

Well, actually, not really. The truth is, as much as we'd like to believe that parenting is a joint and equal effort, it really isn't. I've been raising kids since our first was born back in 2001. First, there was just one, then two, then three, and now four. Just like those of you who stay at home with the kids, I understand how my kids work and what makes them tick. It's been my job for nearly 10 years and I've gotten good at it, just like you. We may not always like our job, but we certainly know how to do it. But ask yourself this: can you go out to the shooting range and hit 35 out of 40 bulls-eyes? Can you pack up and go jump out of a plane tomorrow morning? Do you even know how to clean an M16, much less take it apart? Exactly... me neither. Our spouses are good at what they do in their jobs. They are experienced and are successful in what they do. But when we put them into our job, they struggle, just as we would if the roles were reversed. Our spouses love our children with all of their hearts, never doubt that. That doesn't mean, though, that they know what they are doing when fights break out between the kids or when little Johnny needs help wiping his bottom. That stuff is second nature for us because we've been doing it for so long. They haven't had to do it, so they struggle.

My wife has always told not only me, but others as well, that she truly appreciates what I do. She has also been candid enough to admit freely that she couldn't do what I do each and every day. And truthfully, I think that admission goes a long way towards helping me to understand the differences between us when it comes to raising kids. I'm never going to be in the Army doing all of those crazy things they do. And she's never going to stay at home with the kids and be at their beck and call.

The thing of it is... we know how to deal with the day in - day out stuff that goes with raising kids better than they do simply because we do it all the time. And, truthfully, when we all go on a vacation the only one who is actually NOT at work is our spouse. Our kids come to us for the answers to their problems and to ask permission for what they want. And as much as I'd like for my wife to take more of that role, it's probably not going to happen. But that's ok. This is my job. I'm good at it, and I like what I do. Now, about that vacation....

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Redeployment and Reintegration Part 7: The Inevitable Look Ahead

2010-09-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

As a military spouse, it is such an amazing feeling to have my wife/soldier back home. Those of you who've been through a deployment know what I'm talking about. A year of missed holidays, events, birthdays, etc. is now just a memory. While reintegration is definitely a challenge, there is a sense that things are finally settling down, that life is returning to normal (or a new kind of normal, as I talked about in my last post...). I can't tell you how awesome it is to already be thinking about both Thanksgiving and Christmas plans and NOT BE DREADING THEM! The holidays this year will be so completely different.

That said, it is inevitable that those thoughts of the next deployment begin creeping in. We've worked so hard to make our family whole again, to repair the divide caused by a year apart. And yet, in the back of my mind, I can't help but think about the next time. There's a small section in the back of my mind that warns against getting too comfortable, too used to having her home. That small part warns, "keep some barriers up or you'll be sorry! Don't get to used to her being here because she's going to leave again soon!" Maybe you've felt those feelings and thoughts as well. As military spouses I think it is inevitable (hence the title of this post).

The thing about the way the Army handles things these days (and to some extent the other services as well) is that we all have a general idea of when our spouse is going to deploy again. The general rule has been this: gone for a year (or a year +), home for a year (or perhaps not quite a year...). So we know that even while we are trying to get settled into life together the fact is it's only temporary. Our soldier-spouse will be leaving again. That knowledge can absolutely eat at you and make you want to put the walls in place around your heart while you are in the process of trying to tear down those very same walls. How can we put our family back together when it's just going to get pulled apart again in 10-12 months (or sooner for some of us...)? There's no question that this is a difficult situation. It is a part of reintegration that few people, if anyone, has considered. As spouses, we are expected to welcome our soldier home with open arms (easily said, even easier done!) and get our lives back to normal again (again, easily said... but not so easily done!). But this whole process seems to contradict itself. How I can I make my house whole and normal when she's just going to be leaving again less than a year from now? And so we try our best to enjoy having our spouse home, knowing it won't last.

What are we to do? Well, we are left with two choices. Either we can protect ourselves in anticipation of this joyous reunion not lasting, or we can tear down the walls and embrace all that there is to this life as a family made whole and deal with the deployment and it's pains and fears when they arrive. Like the picture, one path is bright and sunny, the other dark and gloomy. You see, if you and I choose to wall off part of ourselves, then our time spent as a family will bring us only a very superficial enjoyment with nothing that goes any deeper than "hi, how was your day?" Sure, we'll protect ourselves from the pain that lies ahead, but we'll be wasting the days and weeks and months that we have together. And, put simply, there will be no joy in our house, just a gloomy anticipation of what is to come.

But if we choose to embrace these days with all that is in us, then the time we have with our spouse will become more meaningful and deeper than we could have imagined. Yes, our soldier-spouse will have to leave again, but the time spent together will be time a joy, love and fulfillment. We can embrace TODAY and let tomorrow come when it does. New memories can be formed and the bond of marriage will be further strengthened.

Thoughts of the next deployment, even after they have just gotten home, are inevitable. But they don't have to rule your world, and they certainly don't have to take away from what you have here now. Remember, he/she is right here in front of you, right now. Make the most of it. Tomorrow will bring what it brings. Today is mine!

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Redeployment and Reintegration Part 6: The New Normal

2010-09-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

Now that we are in our second week of school and second week of my wife being back to work, this is a good time to take a look at how things are and get an idea about what "normal" is going to look like. To me, one of the hardest things about this whole process is having to get used to doing things differently now that she's home. A year's worth of routines, habits, and traditions are gone. They've been replaced by a new set of "rules" that govern the way we live our day to day lives. So far, I have to say that things have been challenging for me. To be bluntly honest, it isn't easy. I've been trying to get used to the sharing of responsibilities around the house, and doing my best not to watch over my wife's shoulder with a critical eye. I've got in mind how I think things ought to be done when it comes to the kids. So many times I've had to bite my tongue and walk away. As you can imagine, letting someone else "handle" your kids isn't easy, even if it is your own spouse. (Remember, she hasn't had any input or experience with them for a year.)

It is so important to allow our spouses to have a role in the raising of our kids. Now, I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that for my wife that involvement was paramount. She'd missed so much while she was gone and was absolutely craving the very things that used to tire me out! I think it is hard for us to realize or imagine being deprived of our kids for a year or longer. The danger, then, is trying to keep a hold over everything. All we end up doing is isolating them from their children. They need to be a part of their lives and we need to divest ourselves of some of that responsibility. You want to sink your marriage? Stifling your spouse's role in parenting is an easy route!

Obviously, finding out which roles each of you will play is the hard part. That's why I continue to harp on the fact that reintegration is a no-joke process. So many don't realize all that is involved with finding the "new normal" in our homes. It isn't just about raising kids. It is about fixing dinner, doing the laundry, reading the bedtime stories, doing the grocery shopping... you get my drift.

I've said this before, and it is worth repeating again and again: A strong marriage will get you through a deployment. Hard work and dedication to that marriage will get you through reintegration and lead you to a stronger marriage. Before you know it, life will become normal again.

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Redeployment and Reintegration Part 5: One month down, a new phase

2010-08-25T07:31:00.001-07:00

So there I was, standing out at the bus stop this morning, waiting with my kids for the school bus. The longest Summer break my kids have ever known has finally come to an end. Today, as you might have guessed, is the first day of school. When we left Savannah back at the end of May to officially move in to our new house here on Fort Bragg the schools here on post were still in for another two weeks. So my kids got an extra two weeks of Summer vacation this year. And while this will also mark my daughter's entrance into the school system as a kindergardener, this week also marks the start of a new phase of our reintegration process.

For the last month that my wife has been home from Afghanistan we've been readjusting to living together again after a year apart. Apart from a quick trip to Savannah to get my truck and our swing set there have been no trips. We've simply been learning to live together again and finding our new places and roles in our marriage and family. It hasn't been without it's hiccups or bumps, but all in all the last month has been amazing. Just waking up next to her every morning is still new and exciting.

This week, however, will mark her return to Army life. Back to work time. I consider this a new phase of reintegration because so far we've been learning the whole "back together" thing. Now, we have to find the new balance of work, school, and home. At first glance this should seem easy. We've had a school time routine for the last 5 years. It's just a matter of falling back into those old ways again... right? Well, not exactly. Remember, for the entire school year LAST YEAR, we had a way of doing things that did not include my wife. For a solid year the kids and I had iron clad-set in stone routines that ushered us through each week.

Now, we are going to have to relearn that process. Who is going to get the kids up? Who will make breakfast every day? And then there's the backpacks, homework checklists... what about snacks, drinks, and the bus stop? Sure, I could do all of that myself. I did it that way last year. But should I? Should it always be me who does everything? Obviously I'll be doing a lot of it since my wife will be joyously attending PT every morning at 0630. But she will probably be home prior to the kids leaving.

And then let's consider after school stuff. Homework, snacks, sports, dinner, reading, baths, bedtimes... so much to do each and every evening on a school night. How do those chores and duties get divided up? Yes, I understand that she works all day and doesn't want to come home and works some more. However, being a parent isn't a job, it's a responsibility, one that should be shared by both of us. What that means is this: I could do this alone and do it successfully; but doing this alone doesn't reintegrate my wife into the whole process. It continues the separation and stunts reintegration. What we have to do is find a way to do all of this stuff together.
Putting all of these pieces together takes time. And it takes work. What most people don't realize is that a strong marriage is what gets you through a deployment. Hard work and dedication to that marriage are what get you through reintegration. A strong marriage means you stand by each other during a trial, a separation. Hard work and dedication to that marriage mean you do what it takes to work through the struggles of reintegration.

Our military leadership has gone out of its way to support families during deployments. FRGs are there for families to stand by one another during the long days of a separation. But, aside from some counseling options from chaplains, there aren't many support structures in place for families who are trying to find their way back to being whole again. It is hard and there are plenty of pitfalls. But the same question remains: how bad do you want this? For us, reintegration is EVERYTHING. We will be a whole family again and we will get through this time. Whatever the cost, whatever the sacrifice, we are both determined that this three month process will come to a successful conclusion and our family will be stronger for it.

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Redeployment and Reintegration Part 4: To travel or not to travel...

2010-08-18T07:13:00.000-07:00

One of the great questions that comes up when a service member comes home from a deployment is whether or not the family will embark on a family vacation soon after the reunion. Obviously, the first week they are back is out because they are usually going through redeployment stuff like medical checks and safety briefs while working half days. Typically, though, after that first week, block leave begins and they are home for up to a month while they rest, recover, and reintegrate with their family. So, inevitably, the question arrises...should you go somewhere for a vacation?

Now, before I dig any deeper, I will say that many if not most families do pack up and go somewhere. Generally speaking, most Army folks come home some time in the Summer. Obviously, there are exceptions, but for the most part, the Summer is the big deployment/redeployment time. So the service member comes home, the kids are out of school, and he/she has up to a month off from work. What better time, right?

Well, I'm not so sure that is a great idea, to be honest. (Full disclosure... I'm writing this from Savannah. We're here, though, not as a vacation trip, but to bring back my truck and our swing set.) When you think about it, the rules of the house for the last year have changed and involved in many ways. Our service member spouses have no idea how we've been doing things. This is especially true if you've moved during the deployment. New house, new routines, new rules. There are tons to things that have changed. And now, they are back home, trying to learn all of these new rules, routines, and trying to adjust to all of the changes.

So the question that has to be asked, then, is this: is traveling actually a good idea? I'm not so sure. In fact, when we were getting close to my wife's return home, she asked me if we all wanted to go somewhere during block leave. After thinking about it, I said no. I wanted our reintegration to be as complete and total as possible and I just didn't think that could be the case if we weren't home. See, you can't get used to being around each other at home if you aren't at home. Seems simple enough, but the truth is few people actually take this into consideration. I believe you need be home in your normal environment to be immersed in the reintegration process. Staying in a hotel, driving across the country, playing in a theme park might be fun, but they don't help you deal with the issues of being at home and trying to find that equilibrium that's been gone for a year. In fact, I think it actually delays the reintegration process. You're going to have to come to grips with the issues that will arise and face the inevitable problems that will come with learning to live together again. I simply don't believe that can be done in an environment outside of the home. What's even more interesting about this "dilemma" is that it is the opposite of R & R. Going somewhere for a vacation during R & R is actually a good idea because you want that time to be free from arguments and blatant recognition of change. It should be a time of rest and relaxation for both of you. And because the deployment isn't over and the reunion is short, getting away from the routines and changes is a good idea. Reintegration is all about dealing with those changes and routines.

Many Army marriages end in divorce NOT during the deployment, but in the days after the service member has returned home. While, at first glance, this seems counterintuitive, a closer look shows how this is really the danger zone. The first days of the reunion are joyous bliss. But in the days and weeks that follow, the changes that have taken place over the last year finally begin to surface and both realize that the person they left behind a year ago isn't exactly the same person standing in front of them. And while traveling is fun and relaxing, it actually is putting off the task at hand, which is learning to live with this different person. Many marriages simply can't withstand the onslaught of changes. Other times there simply isn't enough understanding during reintegration. Some simply believe that everything will be back as it was before, and this is never the case.

When my wife got home I made a decision. I informed her that, with the exception of a quick trip to Savannah to get the swing set and my truck, there would be no trips and no visitors for 3 months. Someone once told me many years ago that reintegration generally takes about one week for every month they are gone. For us, that means 12 weeks or 3 months. I told her that we would use that time exclusively to work on our marriage, to strengthen it and form an even stronger bond than before. I believe that you can't underestimate the importance of reintegration. As I've said in earlier blogs, it is a no joke process. For us, trips and family visits can wait. Our marriage can't. Nothing is more important.

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Redeployment and Reintegration Part 3: The new reality

2010-08-08T13:59:00.000-07:00

Two weeks have gone by since my wife stepped off the plane and returned to our lives. These two weeks have been among the most amazing and wonderful of our marriage. For those who have never gone through a deployment, you'd be hard pressed to grasp how great it is to finally have our family be whole again. Life is good.

However, (and, it seems there is always a 'however') the new reality of our lives has definitely taken some getting used to. There haven't been any times (so far) where things became unpleasant. That's not what I'm talking about here. This new reality of our lives is more about coming to grips with a change in lifestyle. Let me explain. For the last year, the kids and I have lived, existed, even thrived on our own. True, we did talk to Devon nearly every day, and we were able to Skype more or less once a week. Still, that doesn't change the fact that she's been gone and we've been here. And a year is a VERY long time when it comes to routines and habits.

A great example of this is our nights here. When my wife left over a year ago I remember looking over at the empty place next to me and thinking of how much I hated what was going on. Then, gradually, over time, I got used to it and generally didn't notice any more. As humans, we simply grow accustomed to changes in our lives and that becomes our reality. Now, she's home and there's someone sleeping next to me in our bed. And once again I'm faced with a change in circumstances. Bad... no. Weird... yep. Before I had the whole bed to myself. Now, I have half of the bed, and usually even less than that! Again, this is not a bad thing at all, just different and it's going to take some getting used to.

I guess the truth of it all is I just feel a bit bewildered at times. I find myself trying to come to grips with all of the changes that are taking place around me. The kids are doing great and are so thrilled to have their mother home. Remember, though, that children are far more adaptable and resilient than adults are. And that's my issue.

I was sitting with my wife two or three days ago and I confessed to her that I simply couldn't just relax and let my guard down, not completely. I have this feeling, though I can't really pinpoint where it is coming from, that having her home is only temporary. It simply doesn't feel permanent (or, as permanent as can be reasonably expected in the Army...). Even now I struggle to put these feelings into words. The joy of having her home is indescribable. At the same time, though, it just doesn't seem real. It all feels out of place. Maybe I was expecting things to be like they were before she left. Maybe I thought we'd pick back up right where we left off. But there's no escaping the fact that a year has gone by and things have changed. I've changed and so has she. Parts of our "old" relationship have returned. Other parts are new. Some things are renewed, some are gone forever.

So, as thrilling as it is to have her home, the normal everyday living is anything but normal right now. And there's no escaping this disorienting feeling inside. At times everything feels just great, like all is right in the world. Other times, there's a strong feeling of something being out of place without being able to tell what it is. And while I wouldn't change this for anything, it is confusing at times.

The truth of it is this: we are now living in a new reality. And this probably wouldn't have been so difficult if these changes could've occurred slowly over time. But the fact that one day she was gone and the next she was home means swift change has come. And getting used to the changes takes time. You see Reintegration is just about a soldier coming home and finding his/her place. It is also about those of us back home who've carried on for the last year including them back into our lives. As I said in my last blog: reintegration is NO JOKE. Many spouses find this transition difficult. And just because you love each other doesn't make it any easier. It is still going to be hard. But as each new day comes and goes the new reality begins to take hold. Soon, this new reality will just be reality, and reintegration will be complete. Welcome home! We're glad you're here!

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Redeployment and Reintegration Part 2: Once the honeymoon is over...

2010-07-31T09:58:00.000-07:00

There is no greater feeling than driving away from Green Ramp (that's where soldiers depart and arrive from when they deploy/redeploy) with your spouse in the car with you! And then when you wake up the next morning and look over to see they are still here, bliss is the only way to describe it.

As the days go by after that glorious day of reunion, life slowly begins to find a new equilibrium. Those first few days together have nothing to do with reintegration. Everything is so new and both of us are just thrilled to be reunited again. No thought is given to how our roles will change or stay the same. All we care about is how glad we are to see each other. But, inevitably, we all have to start the long trek down from the mountaintop and begin our journey down to the plains of every day life. And, sooner or later, we begin to understand that reintegration is every bit as challenging as we're told it will be.

It is important to remember, first and foremost, that each of us has been the unquestioned authority in our little realms. My wife, as a brigade S2 was in charge of her shop and was used to everyone doing as she instructed. For my part, my household was run exactly as I wanted, and, while my "shop" consisted of myself and 4 kids, things were done the way I wanted them done without anyone else's approval.

So what you arrive at is two people in one house who are used to being in charge. And no matter how great the reunion is or how special those first few nights together can be, eventually you're going to have an issue where there is a difference of opinion that can easily escalate into something bigger. This is when you begin to realize that both of you have changed and the effort of finding a path back together again will take time. What is most amazing about this realization is the fact that something very small, almost trivial can lead to a larger disagreement where both of you begin to dig in your heels. The spouse who has finally come home from a deployment believes their way is right because they said so. An order is an order and that's the way it is. The spouse who's been home all along believes their way is right because they've been in charge of the house and everything about it and around it for a year or more. This is how we've done things for the last year and it has worked for us... so it will work for you!

Ultimately, while this is the first disagreement since he/she came home, it certainly won't be the last. Redeployment/Reintegration is a no-joke process that takes time and effort to get through. There's a reason why so many military marriages fail AFTER the soldier comes home. As hard as it may be to believe, it is easy to stay committed to your marriage when the soldier is deployed. During the year away there are almost no arguments or disagreements. We who are back home do our very best to remain supportive and encouraging to our soldier who is down range. We send pictures and make a huge effort to help them feel connected to our family life back home. They tell us how thankful they are that we are holding it all together, how grateful they are that they can concentrate on their job and not have to worry about things back home. When they come home, though, things are different. We have changed and so have they. They have certain beliefs or expectations in mind, as do we. And so, while never intending it to happen, you encounter tests of will, differences of opinion that can quickly grow into full blown arguments. Suddenly, where no discord has been experienced for a year or more, there is trouble. And now you realize how one crossroad after another can be reached, some paths leading in a direction that leads to a place you never wanted to go.

Ultimately, both of us have to find a middle ground. A compromise has to be reached. This requires give and take from both. My wife will have to swallow her pride and give in to what I want part of the time. She will have to realize that we aren't soldiers who take orders. And I will have to let go of the control and sole authority I have maintained for a year and allow her to become more than just a guest in this house. She has to be an equal with me. Slowly, we must find common ground and relearn what it is like to live together, to exist as a union of a man and a woman, more than just a husband and wife who communicate over the phone. Just loving each other isn't enough. We both have to work and strive for a marriage that will stand the test of time and deployments. And so... once the honeymoon ends, compromise begins. Communication much increase. And we both must decide to walk this path hand in hand, realizing that it isn't MY WAY any more. It's now and forever more OUR WAY.

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Redeployment and Reintegration Part 1: A family at peace

2010-07-26T07:17:00.000-07:00

For 6 months I've been blogging about what our life has been like during this deployment. There have been ups and downs as can be seen in many of my posts. Through all of the good times and bad times we persevered, doing the best we could. Finally, at long last, the wait is over.

SHE'S HOME!!!!!

3 days short of a year, her plane arrived bringing her unit home safe and sound. The end of what has been probably the longest year of our lives has come. We made it!

Over the course of the next several weeks and months I'll be chronicling the twisty road of reintegration that is still ahead of us. As many of you who have been through multiple deployments know, after those first few days of joyous bliss pass, there remains the task of our soldiers finding their place in a household that has carried on and adjusted to life without them. And, conversely, there is the challenge of letting our spouse back into our routines and life that has gone on according to our rules, and our rules alone. We face the challenge of giving up some of the authority that has rested in our hands alone, of ceding some of the control over the house back to her/him. After the honeymoon, more work is ahead of both of us. And for those of you who have just received your spouse back to you, you know this all too well.

Just as we were all there for each other during the dog days of the deployment, we ABSOLUTELY must be there for each other as we navigate the sometimes rough seas of reintegration. While those days are still to come, for now my family is at peace and is whole again. In stead of writing more, I'll let a few pictures tell the story. To all of you who are still waiting on your spouse to come home... hang on. Your time is coming. Each day that arrives is another day closer to that day when you'll see, as I did this past Friday, the doors of that plane open up and your spouse walking down those stairs, on his/her way back into your arms. It is coming!

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Passing the time, setting goals

2010-07-20T05:40:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have been in a deployment, you understand that sitting around and dwelling on all of the things that can happen can be absolutely maddening. Not only do our hearts break for those who have lost their spouses in combat, but our minds also begin to dwell on the possibilities that such horrific news could come to our door as well. So we have to find ways not to allow ourselves to dwell on those possibilities. Now, we all have our own ways of doing this. For me, ever since September of last year, I focused on the gym, on getting in shape with the goal of presenting my wife with a new me when she came home for R & R. That done, it was time for another goal, something that would be long term, something that would even carry beyond redeployment. Beyond redeployment? Sure. To me, if you have something out there that is further out than redeployment, it gives your mind something to occupy itself on, something that has to be prepared for. And when your focus changes over to that longer term goal (say, a month or two AFTER she comes home) then the date that your spouse comes home seems to get here quicker.

After my wife went back to Afghanistan following R & R, it seemed like time began to crawl by. For whatever reason, and I really don't remember why at this point, I started running. Those who know me well will need to pick themselves up off of the ground from the shock of hearing that statement. Yes, I started running after a 10 year lay off. After a couple of weeks of running, I settled on a goal that would carry me into October: The Army Ten-Miler. Not long before my wife and I got married she ran in it (this was back when we were both runners, one of the reasons we actually met way back when). Now that I was running, I decided to make it into a goal. With the help of a couple of very dear friends in Kansas, I got into the race and now I'm in training mode. I have a schedule that I follow each week which, as you may remember from earlier blog posts, becomes routine and helps time flow by faster.

Now, you might be wondering how I manage to train for a long distance race while my wife is gone. True, I do have 4 young children. The answer is I run on a track. I know what you're thinking. How incredibly boring. Around and Around it goes. Well, besides the fact that there really is no alternative (aside from running indoors on a treadmill which does nothing for getting you acclimated to running outdoors with wind and heat...) since I have to be able to keep an eye on my kids. The track here at Fort Bragg actually has a long jump pit at one end that is full of sand. So... I bring my kids to the track with their sand buckets and shovels. And they sit there and play in the sand while I run. For the most part they enjoy themselves. Sometimes they come out and run a lap or so with me. Sometimes they play on the infield. It works. Besides that, to break up the boredom I focus on the music in my headphones. I don't notice the track. Hard to believe, but true. I simply don't notice that I'm running in circles.

Not long before I moved here to Fort Bragg I found an amazing app for my iPhone (also available on Android phones) called RunKeeper. It uses the GPS in my phone to track my distance. It then plugs that into the google maps and shows me my route. What's more, it is loaded with features that improve my training experience. For instance, the pro version, which I use, gives me audio cues and updates while I'm running. Every five minutes (less if I so desired) it tells me the time, distance and pace of my run to that point. While that's all well and good, it doesn't do as much good for a big dude like me who can't go fast. So it also has a nice feature which allows you to set up interval cues. Since I mix in walk breaks with my run, this is a great feature. On my long runs, I run for 4 minutes then walk for 1. The app tells me when I've hit the next interval. I don't have to look down at a watch, ever. It also allows me to upload my results to their website (registration is free) to track how many miles I've run, pace, etc. It has Facebook integration, which is cool. Finally, the app allows you to play music on the iPod part of the phone while you run.

Running and training for the Army Ten-Miler has given me a focus and goal that goes beyond redeployment. It is something else to set my sights on, something else to count down the days on the calendar for. It is indeed making the days go by faster, or at least helping me to dwell less on how much longer it will be until my wife comes home. The only problem is that it is forcing me to dwell more on HOW I am ever going to get this big flabby body of mine to run 10 miles two and a half months from now. Now THAT is a scary thought.

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Weary.

2010-07-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

There are so many aspects to surviving a deployment that it is hard to prepare for them all. A deployment is a long haul, a marathon. And as with a true marathon that people run in, there are many highs and lows.

The beginning is really hard. I remember the months of August and September being filled with depression and fear. Will we ever be together again? Will she survive and come home to us? Sure, those are morbid thoughts, but when your spouse is in harm's way, there's no avoiding those thoughts. Mentally, you go through all of the contingencies and try to prepare yourself for the worst. Add to that the fact that you are in the early stages of the deployment and feeling the sense of loss and heartache. Laying in bed at night is probably the hardest. I would look over and see the other side of the bed still made, untouched. The pain was like a wound that was still raw and fresh. Each new day seemed like it lasted for a week. I remember thinking that the calendar had never moved slower than then.

But, just like everyone else going through this trial, I learned to adapt. As the months went by, the kids and I got into routines that made our life busy. Soon there became less time to worry about all of the bad things that could happen. We made the best of it and life went on. Halloween and Thanksgiving came and went and we kept going. Time began moving by more quickly and the days brightened a bit.
Then came what has been the worst day of the deployment: Christmas. I know, it is supposed to be a happy day, focused on the kids. It is a day when we celebrate the birth of the Savior. For me, though, I found it impossible to celebrate. In the days leading up to that day, we decorated my parents' house and got it ready. The kids were pumped, of course. Me... I couldn't help but notice there was one stocking missing above the fireplace. Every day I would walk by and see it. And that pain that I had managed to suppress and push away came roaring back. So I did what anyone else would do. I put on the best possible face I could Christmas morning. I did everything I could to make it a great morning for kids. Even though I was dying inside, I strove to make sure the kids didn't experience that. That afternoon my mom basically took charge of the kids. And me... well, I got hammered. I'm not proud of it, and I've not done it again. See, all I wanted to do was get through that day. No amount of encouragement from anyone else made even the slightest difference. It was a battle against the clock. I needed that day to end.

As January dawned, things began to look up a bit. The countdown until R&R began and the depression began to lift. It was also around that time that I began to view the deployment as an opportunity for self improvement. I began blogging and started what would become my most important blog series, "Deployment Doesn't Equal Defeat" in which I talked about how simply surviving a deployment wasn't enough. I wanted to thrive and grow. At the same time, our routines continued and time began to pass even faster.

And then, R & R arrived! Finally, at long last, the wait was over and my wife came home. Our reunion was amazing and was just what we needed. We did a vacation and got reacquainted. It felt so good to be a family again. But... 2 weeks of bliss is still only 2 weeks. Before we knew it, the time had come for her to go back. And my old companion pain returned to my side. Sure, we were well into the second half of the deployment, but that didn't mean anything to me as I once again looked at the other side of the bed... again empty.

And now, more months have passed and we are now in the final half of the final month. As the finish line approaches, I find that I'm not bubbling with excitement. Instead, I'm simply existing, trying to make it to the finish line without stumbling. Plenty of people who mean well have tried to be encouraging by saying "You're almost there!" and "She'll be here before you know it" and finally "You can do it!". I find, though, that none of that helps. You see, I'm simply weary. My second wind is long gone. My legs are giving out and my lungs are burning. Perhaps the finish line is just around the corner. For me, I think I've stopped running. I think I'm walking now, hands on my head, trying to get a breath. Weariness has set in and I just want this to be over. There are no more lessons to be learned, no more "bright sides" to be found. When the end comes, I don't want a victory celebration or an awards ceremony. Like the tired runner above, I'll be relieved that it's over. Like him, I don't want to celebrate with friends. I just want to go home.

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Military Spouses... they aren't just women!

2010-06-27T15:24:00.000-07:00

I admit it... I'm getting frustrated. Why? Well, it seems to me that the very stereotypes that have finally started to change in the Army (the ones that ASSume that if you are a spouse, you are a woman) are still quite prevalent in the spouse community. For some reason, wide and far our military spouses continue to stick with the woman-at-home man-in-the-Army mentality. What's worse, while this continues, the number of men who are married to women who serve is growing, along with the number of men who are staying at home raising the kids. Society as a whole is becoming more accepting of men as the stay at home spouse, yet the old "Army Wife" stereotype persists.

Now, I understand very well that women way outnumber the men when it comes military spouses. All of us who are men understand this. The problem, though, is that this continuation of these stereotypes actually do more to alienate the male spouses. Think about it: when you last went to an FRG meeting, how many guys were there? I can't speak for your FRG groups, but when I went to ours last month, there were two of us, and the other guy was active duty. The FRG leader told me there were a lot more that never come. Do you even need to wonder why?

While on twitter yesterday, a follower of mine had the following tweets listed on their page:

"Want to send sweets but not sure when he will get them? bake them in canning jars. works great for breads and cakes. just seal and send!" And "Personalized body pillows keep your man by your side even when he's away!" After reading these ads, is it any wonder that male spouses continue to feel alienated and isolated? We fight the same battles and have the same struggles as the women, yet we end up feeling alone because these stereotypes push us away.

What's even worse about these continued stereotypes is they completely ignore the fact that women are serving in ever greater numbers in our armed services these days. One statistic I read stated that there are nearly 2 million female veterans in our country today. In my wife's unit alone there are many women serving. I know most of them are married. Our society is accepting of them, but our military community seems to want to recognize soldiers only as men. Yes, I know this is a massive generalization and that there are exceptions. I've met several who are trying to rectify this. It is definitely an uphill battle, though.

These wars have strained our families to the breaking point. As I've written in past blogs, it is our responsibility to reach out to our fellow spouses and hold each other up as we walk these difficult roads. My fear is that the male spouses are being left out in the cold by ages old stereotypes that still persist today. I can speak on this subject because I am a proud male spouse to a soldier in the Army and I've certainly experienced this first hand. Let me give you another example. At our last FRG meeting, we received a redeployment briefing from a chaplain and his wife. When she got up to do her part, she used the terms "your husbands" and "he" over and over again, even though I was sitting right there (there were probably 20 of us total in the meeting that night). At one point she realized her mistake and corrected herself to say "spouses". 5 minutes later she was back to saying "when your husbands come home...". All I could do was shake my head.

Just as military spouses are the forgotten warriors in this conflict, the male military spouses are small group that is nearly completely forgotten by everyone. This is wrong and it has to change. If you are reading this blog and you attend an FRG group, look around the next time you go to a meeting. Count the number of men present who are spouses. If they aren't there, there is a reason. Reach out to them and encourage them to attend, welcome them into the fold. Male spouses need the support just as much as women. We're all fighting this battle.

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Nice to be here.

2010-06-15T18:29:00.001-07:00

About a month ago, I wrote a blog about living in military housing. Now that I'm here and settled in at Fort Bragg, I can say that its nice to be here. It is hard for anyone who has never been in a deployment to understand what it is like to be separated from those who can empathize the most to your situation. Being back on post again after a year in the civilian world is like a breath of fresh air.

Now, let me say first that I would've had a difficult year (to say the least) if not for the kindness and generosity of my parents. They took my kids and I in and accepted us as we are without any preconditions. They were there when I needed to vent and stayed away when we needed our space. Truthfully, I was very wary about moving back in with my folks. Let's face it: when you're 38 with 4 kids, the idea of moving back into your parents house doesn't sound so appealing. I was sure that it would be nice for about a month, then it degenerate into unpleasantness (it's not delightful... as they say in the South...). The opposite was the case, however. I could not have asked for more supportive parents. They made a tough year bearable.

Now, though, I'm back amidst the military. Again... it's good to be here. Everyone around me, all of my neighbors, know the pain of separation. In fact, when I got here, three of my neighbors' spouses were deployed. I moved in and was immediately surrounded by people in my exact situation. These are people who understand. They know.

More than that, though, is the fact that my kids aren't alone now either. Aside from their cousins in Savannah, they really didn't have any neighborhood kids to play with. Oh, there were one or two kids, but none of them were military kids. And while you might not believe this, military kids are different. They are used to moving and making new friends, and they are more inclusive when it comes to playing with new kids in the neighborhood. The first day I arrived at Fort Bragg I walked out just as the school bus was letting kids off. It was like fire ants coming out of an ant bed! So many kids! My heart leapt for joy. Now, after being moved in and settled for the past 2 weeks, it is awesome to see my children with so many friends to play with. Many days I don't see them for hours on end. Fine with me. With what they've been through this year, they've deserve to be able to play with kids who are going through the very same things. It makes my days so much better to see them so happy.

I had so many ideas and preconceptions about what Fort Bragg was going to be like. Most of then weren't good. I'd heard Fayetteville called FayetteNam so many times, I guess it just stuck in my mind. It couldn't be more different from what I expected. Yes, there are bad areas. Every town has them. Truthfully, though, I don't go off post often. There's not much need to. I love my house, I love my neighbors. Fort Bragg is just a great place to live. It is filled with families who know what it means to be in a war, to be away from their spouses for a year or more at a time. It's like being among family. And yes, it's good to be here.

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Redeployment and Reintegration... The uncharted territory.

2010-06-11T07:49:00.000-07:00

Each day brings our reunion closer. Some days I think it will never get here, while other days I feel like we're almost there. It's strange to feel the wide variety of emotions that fill these last days of the deployment. Excitement, depression, anticipation, despair... an endless stream of emotions that sweep through my mind on a daily basis. Keeping a lid on them can be a real challenge some days.

But if there's one feeling that is almost constant in these closing days it's apprehension. There's a palpable sense of concern about what life will be like once the first few days of the reunion have passed and the reality of learning to live with someone again sets in. If you're not a part of the military or if you've never experienced a deployment, then this will be hard for you to understand. In the year that my wife has been gone, many of the routines that we've adopted in order to make it through are quite different from the way we did things when she was home. Not only that, but once you've adjusted to doing things your way, going back to doing those same things "our" way is no easy transition. What's more, we're not just talking about a few small details in our daily lives. We've lived a completely separate life for the last year. You don't just change that over night.

When my wife left us back in July of last year one of the first things I had to re-learn was sleeping alone. It may seem a small thing to some, but when you've had someone else in the bed with you every night for 9 years (since the last deployment) it is VERY strange to go to bed and see the other side of the bed untouched. Further, while I really HATE being touched in middle of the night (just the brush of a leg or touch of a toe will wake me up...ugh!), having my wife there always allowed me to sleep peacefully. Then, she left and I had to get used to the fact of a great big bed and just me in it. Needless to say, it was tough getting to sleep at first. As The Police once sang, "The Bed's Too Big Without You." But... as with everything else, you adjust and adapt and learn to get by. Now, change is coming again. Another readjustment period is ahead.

Now, take all of this a step further. We've had a daily routine, a way of doing things based on survival that hasn't included my wife. Now she's coming back and all of that will change. Now, I know what you might be thinking. "Hey...she's coming home! Who cares?!?!" Well, for the first few days, that'll will probably be our attitude as well. But mountain tops don't last forever. And sooner or later, the reality of learning to live together will be upon us. Take, for instance, decisions pertaining to the kids. For the last year, the final word has been mine. Now, it has to transition to "us". I have to learn to cede some control, and she will have to learn to become involved.

The hardest part of all is the expectations that come with our reunion. Expectations can be great, but they can also be dangerous. They can lead to enormous disappointments. I know what mine are so far. As far as what my expectations are of her, I have none. I've told her as much. See, I can't very well expect her to get home and start being the same parent she was before she left. She's changed, and we've changed. And I certainly can't just say "welcome home! here're the kids. They're yours! I need a break!" She's going to need a while to readjust to a much slower pace of life, and she's going to need rest. So my plan when she gets home is to continue on as we've been going for the last year. When she's ready to take on more, awesome. But I won't expect that for a while.

Truthfully, the only way to manage expectations is to communicate. We've already started talking about it. And we will continue to do so until her plane lands here at Bragg. After that, the real work of communication begins. Reintegration can be a happy experience if we are open and honest with one another. I have no expectation that it will be an easy process. But I'm determined to make it work and make our family whole again. Yes, this is a scary process. We'll just take it one day at a time. The same way we managed to get through this year apart. We're almost there!

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Hurry Up and Wait...

2010-06-08T19:03:00.000-07:00

So here we are. Almost 11 months of this deployment completed and the end is in sight. R & R has come and gone; all of the birthdays and special occasions missed are now in the rear view mirror. "Not long now!" is the refrain that I hear from so many friends. "Oh man, you're almost there!" and "it'll be here before you know it!"

While those statements may be true, they sure don't feel like it. In fact, it seems that the closer we get to the reunion, the longer it is taking. As each day passes, it almost feels like another day has been added on to the end. Weird, I know. Somehow, the countdown clock has slowed down for us. For some reason, the end still seems like it is miles away, like it'll be another few months.

One of the things that has helped make our time go by faster over the course of this year has been our simple, iron-clad-set-in-stone routines. Every day we had something scheduled, something we had to do, somewhere we had to be. There was never an opportunity to think about the months ahead when all we could think about was where we were supposed to be two hours from now. It's true... being busy makes the time fly by. But then school got out and Summer arrived. The days are longer and, with the exception of the unpacking of boxes, the days are more relaxed. Truthfully, part of me is glad that our days are slower. We've been going so hard and so fast for the last 10 months that weariness has finally crept in. Sleeping a little later every day, eating late breakfasts, and lazy days are a welcome relief.

However, the slower pace means the days feel longer. More than likely it is just that now I have more time to stop and look at the calendar more often. It's like sitting in the doctor's office waiting for your turn. Every time you look at your watch you realize only 15 seconds has passed since the last time you looked. I'm reminded of my 6th grade English teacher, Mrs. Reed. Her method of punishment for bad behavior was a 30 minute detention spent staring at a clock. That is what it feels like these days. Every time I look at the calendar, I notice that only one day has passed since the last time I looked.

As my friends and fellow spouses finally reach the end of their long separations I actually feel a sense of happiness. Part of me leaps for joy for them because they have been reunited with their spouses. See, I know exactly how they've felt for the last year. I know what it is like to feel the pain of loneliness. And to know that they have reached the end is cause for celebration! The pain that we all know so well has ended for them. What is most amazing about that is the fact that seeing them reunited doesn't cause me any pain. It doesn't create any more loneliness or heartache than what I've known for the last year. Actually, I think it helps. It helps me to see them so happy and fulfilled. There is a sense of peace that comes with seeing their families whole again.

Yes, our day is coming as well. Just over a month to go and the longest year will be a memory. I've waiting patiently for 11 months. I can wait one more. In the mean time, I'm content seeing my fellow spouses reach the finish line and their reunion. I love seeing their happiness. They've earned it.

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Too tired to be worn down...

2010-06-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

As this deployment wears on, I find myself spending more time in an effort to keep myself going. The challenge of raising 4 kids by myself in addition to handling all of the big and little things that go along with being married and having a family can flat out wear you out! Some days it's all I can do just to keep my head up.

As you've read in my previous blogs, a deployment holds both good days and bad days. Some days you are way up and other days are way down in the dumps. Through it all we manage to survive and keep on pushing forward. That's because there's no one else who is going to hold the family together while my wife is deployed. No one else is going to make my kids' meals, bathe them, help them get dressed, etc. And certainly no one else is going to make sure all of the bills are paid on time or clean the house. And so the job never ends, especially when the sun goes down and the kids go to bed. Take, for instance, the passed Sunday night. The kids had been up a bit later than normal because we were watching a movie. I got them in bed, and then after a little bit of work around the house, I crashed as well. At about 2 am, I was suddenly awakened by my daughter who came to tell me my youngest son was complaining of spiderwebs in his bed. Obviously, he was having a bad dream. Out of bed and up the stairs I went to reassure him and tuck him back in. I got back in bed and drifted off to sleep only to be reawakened again about a half an hour later. Same problem. Long story short, it ended up being a long night with little sleep for me.

With all that goes with being left behind during a deployment, the eternal battle against weariness is often won or lost each day based on the kids. All parents understand this, but those who are doing it by themselves can especially appreciate this fact. When they are having a bad day, it almost always means I'm going to have a bad day as well, and if more than one of them is struggling, well, it just goes down hill from there. As much as I want each day to be a new day and a new start, most of the time the struggles of yesterday just seem to carry over. And what's more, even on good days, those days where the major problems and trials are absent, I find myself nearly exhausted at the end of the day. It just seems like at the start of each new day I'm still tired from the last one! Factor in the whole moving by myself of the previous blog's topic and you can begin to see how a military spouse can begin to grow deeply weary as the days go by.

What I'm finding now is that as we are getting near to the end of this deployment I'm growing more and more weary. I find my temper being shorter with the kids and my patience with others reaching new lows. I listen to my wife tell me how both she and her soldiers are reaching the end of their lines and have had about all they can take. I can only sit and think to myself I know exactly how they feel. No, I'm not deployed, but I am working the same long, hard hours they are. I'm not facing bullets or IEDs, just tantrums and brawling kids who do their best to make my life just a little bit harder. I'm not trying to separate two different cultures or religious groups that hate each other, but I am doing my best to keep 4 kids with very different views on what's fun and what's not from killing each other. And I'm not facing mountains of red tape and paperwork that go along with being deployed, just schoolwork, homework, bills, shot records, dental visits, and physicals/health assessments so my kids remain healthy and whole.

As we reach the finish line I find that I'm not going to be one of those runners who comes across with his hands raised high and celebrating. I'm simply going to be the one who walks across and bends over with hands on knees taking deep breaths... just glad it's over.

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Moving On

2010-05-30T04:36:00.000-07:00

One of the hidden challenges that a lot of military spouses face is having to move the family by yourself. This is something that actually happens more often than people realize. And it can be quite stressful. And as I've come to realize during this current move, it's not just about furniture and boxes.

When you move to a new location, there are many different loose ends that need to be tied up. For instance, address changes. All of your mail is coming to your former address and needs to come to your new address. Easy enough. All you need to do is put in your mail forwarding info with the post office and they handle the rest. Unless, of course, you are talking about the postal workers in Savannah, GA. They view the mail forwarding request as more of a suggestion. 5 days after I gave them my info, I was still getting mail at my folks' house in Savannah. Are they too busy? Did they lose my info? Or perhaps they just decided that my mail would be better off staying in Savannah. Maybe it is their way of saying, "please don't go...we'll miss you!"

And then you need to update your new address with all of the places that really need your address, like your bank. Just make sure you give them the correct address BEFORE you ask them to print new checks for you. Me... I gave them the wrong zip code. I get to pay for a box of new checks with the almost-correct address on it. I'm still not sure how I got the zip code confused, but I did. My only hope is that since both the correct zip code and the one I've given out are on Fort Bragg, my mail will find it's way to my house. Otherwise, I'm going to have to go knocking on doors on the other side of post to see if anyone has my mail...

Moving can also be big on revelations. And by that I mean the revelation of just how much useless junk we carry from house to house, move to move. It is amazing to me how I've managed to take a broken lamp on 6 moves without getting rid of it. My wife, God love her, packed up a pair of muddy sneakers that were blown out in the toe. When I asked her why, her answer from Afghanistan was stunning. She said, "well, I thought someone might be able to use them..." Right. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. People who are savers, those who can't seem to part with anything, have no place to hide when you move constantly. All of those things that have sentimental value (I still can't imagine that there are THAT many things that do...) have to find a place in a new home. And military housing is notorious for being short on square footage. And lets not forget ALL THOSE TOYS! My kids have toys from this past Christmas all the way back to their first Christmas back in 2001. Really??? Do we seriously need to keep those blocks? And all those "Little People" play sets that haven't seen the light of day in 5 years... why can't they let them go? This when you must learn the art of the stealth purge. Toss when they aren't looking!

All of these things are normal for every move. What makes this an even greater challenge is that I'm doing it alone. There's no one to help me unpack boxes and find places for stuff. What's worse, when my wife gets home in two months, she'll probably want to rearrange most of the furniture that I've put in place. "I like what you did here. Can we just move it over a little bit... like to the other side of the room?" . It's just another sacrifice that a military spouse makes during a deployment.

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Even when there is fear, Hope remains.

2010-05-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I wrote about the fear that seeks to grip our hearts in a deployment. That fear can very easily drive us into a deep, dark hole. It is the fear that we will never see our mate again. It is the fear that our spouse will never come home. And it is the fear that the next knock on the door will be the one we dread. And yet, when we are surrounded by fear, hope remains. Hope always stays nearby, waiting for a chance to comfort our hearts. It sits quietly and whispers into our spirits that all is not lost, all will be well. And when the days are darkest, hope quietly speaks the kindest words into our souls: "you are not alone."

When I wrote my last blog about fear, it was indeed a very dark day. All of the painful thoughts of the past 10 months had come rushing back to the forefront of my mind. Thoughts of doom, of fear, of despair. "What if" and "what will I do" were swirling around in my thoughts like debris in a hurricane. Even in the days that followed, with messages from my wife that all were well and the situation was completely under control, the tempest continued.

Now, there are times in our lives when the words of others can help bring us out of the depths of despair. This, for me, was not one of those times. No matter what anyone said to me, it didn't make the slightest difference. In fact, it only tended to make me angry. Why? Simple. None of the people around me could understand. None of them will ever know the fear of having your spouse in harms way and possibly in imminent danger. To me, everything they were saying, regardless of their care or motive, was like empty words and gestures. You can't help me because you can't know or understand my pain.

Sometimes, though, you need to see someone else dealing with the pain and sorrow you feel in order to see the hope that is always present in these darkest of times. That happened to me today. I was at the preK graduation of my daughter. Towards the end, her teacher stood up and asked the assembled parents to please pray for the three parents who weren't at the graduation because they were deployed. After 10 months, I was thankful for the words, but it really didn't have any impact or deeper meaning to me. After a while, you simply become numb to stuff like that. But while she was talking about these three parents (one being my wife) I noticed a lady sitting a row over from me crying. Her husband had just left for Afghanistan. That's when I reconnected with hope.

You see, for the first time, I was able to see someone going through what I've been dealing with and understand her pain, grief, and fear completely. I knew EXACTLY what she was going through. As the ceremony ended, I walked over to her (I knew her already in passing as she has a child in my daughter's class), put my hand on her shoulder, looked her in the eye and simply said, "you are not alone." She thanked me and hugged me. She told me that her husband's deployment wasn't going to be nearly as long as my wife's and that she couldn't imagine what I've been going through. I simply brushed that aside and told her again, "I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in this." Then I walked away, and I knew that there was hope for us as well. That simple sharing with someone else served as a reminder to me that I am not alone either, that I'm not fighting these fears and anxieties by myself.

If there is a take away for us in these deployments, it is the realization of the awesome responsibility that we have to stand shoulder to shoulder with those who are struggling with that inner battle against fear. It isn't enough for us to simply get by or survive. How easy it would be for us to simply ignore those we see hurting and trembling because their spouse is at war and simply lick our own wounds. You and I must help our fellow spouses stand tall and support each other instead of retreating into our own dark chambers of despair. Because, believe it or not, bringing hope to someone else brings hope back to you.

For the past 10 months I've lived in a place where there's been no one who could truly understand my battles. The sense of isolation has been extreme at times. I didn't truly realize what it looked like on the outside until I saw that lady. Now I know. And at that moment I realized the most important thing I could say to her was that she wasn't alone. It HAS to become our mission to make sure every spouse in a deployment knows they aren't alone in this fight. We have the ability to look them in the eye and say with every once of conviction that we completely understand what they are going through. We CAN take them by the hand and walk with them down the dark path of a deployment. We've been walking it for a while. We know the way home. They have to know they aren't alone in the fears that they feel. We can and must be the little voice that rises out of the darkness and says, "fear not my friend, for you are not alone."

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Even as the days get shorter, there is still fear.

2010-05-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

Even as we count down the days, there is still concern in my heart. I know we are nearing the finish line, but still there is that nagging sense of dread that we won't make it. And while those who aren't part of the military family will NEVER understand what I'm talking about, those of you who have been through a deployment in the past or are in one now will understand perfectly what I'm talking about. It's that dread that when the phone rings it'll be THAT message. When the doorbell rings, the person on the other side will be in Class A's and no semblance of a smile on his face. And while some days the thoughts of dread are buried down deep, other days it's a constant companion, whispering in your ear that the worst is just around the corner. This is what it's like to be an Army spouse in a deployment.

As I've written my blog over the past 5 months, I've tried to be positive in my outlook, to encourage my fellow milspouses who are going through the same things I am. As I've said before, some days are good days, some are bad. But we manage to get through. And as the days until our reunion dwindle down into something we can hang our hats on, there is a sense of triumph, a feeling that we've just about beaten this thing. You can almost hear the captain coming over the radio "please fasten your seat-belts ladies and gentlemen because we are on our final approach." The long journey is nearly over.

All that can change so quickly. A text message can come in right in the middle of a pleasant evening. It brings tidings of yet another rocket attack. And then the reality of the danger is suddenly right back in front of my face. Suddenly I remember the dark days of last year. Suddenly I remember all of the thoughts of "what if's" and "what will I do?" And now, with the finish line so close, I'm confronted by the fear that we may not make it.

Every time there is news of American casualties and fatalities my heart begins to race. I check to see where the attack was, to see if it was close to where my wife is. And while I find out that they aren't close, the consolation is minimal because I know that someone else, a fellow milspouse, has just lost their mate. I can't help but wonder... will the next one who feels the agony of loss be me? We are so close to the end, and yet the chasm seems so wide and deep. My heart aches for those who have lost for I know the fear of that knock at the door. I hear the doorbell and I cringe. With the news of each new attack, my sense of dread grows. All I want is for this to be over.

Most days I am master of my fear. Most days I can bury it deep inside and not let it come out. But that fear is a cunning enemy, always lurking just beneath the surface, waiting for the first hint of bad news to jump out of the box and terrorize me again. One little text message about an attack and I'm wondering if we'll even make it to the end. Months spent gaining control over the fear that grips me is wasted as I tremble inside. Would it be better if she never shared those things with me? Is ignorance bliss? I can't answer that. I simply don't know.

Ultimately I realize that life goes on. I still have to get up in the morning and get the kids ready for school. I still have to feed them breakfast and plan the day out. And so I become the world's greatest con artist. I let them believe all is well, that Daddy is happy and it's going to be a great day. Inside I am a different person. Inside I'm afraid. I only want this to end. And I can only hope that my little ones are fooled.

Yes, though the days are short, the fear is still real, still present, and still ready to push me into a corner, cowering. A year spent on pins and needles leaves you oversensitive to the slightest twinge of bad news. This is a glimpse into my heart, and, just maybe, into the hearts of milspouses everywhere. We may be married to heros, we may even be heros ourselves. Inside, though, we tremble and cling to hope. And we remember those who's hope is gone. And we grieve with them.

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Deployments and Discipline

2010-05-16T17:32:00.000-07:00

When the news of the deployment first reached us, my first thought was of the kids. I remember being very concerned about how they were going to be without their mother for a year. I had a real fear about their emotional state and how they were going to cope. This was completely uncharted territory for us as this was the first deployment for us since we'd started having kids.

There's a certain part of us that wants to go easy on the kids, to be gentle with them while their parent is gone. We don't want to come down hard on them when they do something wrong because we have this belief/fear that they are in a fragile emotional state. And I think there is some truth to how they are during this time. Parents of kids in a deployment have seen their kids act out or cry more often. The stresses of a deployment are felt equally between kids and parents. While we are able to deal with stress, our kids have trouble expressing what they are feeling. And so each time there is a melt down we ask ourselves if this is a normal kid being a kid or something else, something deeper that is bothering them. So we aren't sure how to react to their actions. What's more, we can be afraid to discipline our kids when they are doing something wrong.

So we are left with a choice: we can tip toe around our kids behavior in the fear that they are on the edge because their mother is gone... or we can continue to discipline our kids the same way we did before the deployment hit. While that sounds a bit simplistic, there is a lot of truth to it. And that's what I want to talk about in this blog. You may or may not agree with what I'm going to say. That's fine. But please hear me out and consider what I'm saying. Still with me? Read on, then!

Those of us who have been in a deployment can certainly attest to the stresses in our household and have seen how our kids deal with it. And while they certainly do need some extra grace from us when they are having tough days, I believe that we actually do them more harm by constantly going easy on them when they break a rule or disobey. More harm? Yep. Consider this: when their mom is home, my kids know there are certain things they are not allowed to do. Lying, for instance. If you tell a lie, the right hand of justice awaits your rear end. That's an iron cast, set-in-stone law in our house. It's a rule with a consequence that is well known by my kids. Let's say, though, that one of the kids tells a lie while mommy is deployed. I decide to go easy on him/her because they are already missing mommy. I believe that because they are dealing with a huge change in our household that they need me to go easy on him/her. In fact, though, I'm actually introducing even more change. See, kids need boundaries, they need structure. By deciding NOT to discipline I've provided them with even more uncertainty in their lives. Will I get punished for doing this? I did before, but now I'm not. But then next time maybe I will. Like I said, uncertainty. And that's one thing that kids really don't do well with.

Once my wife left for Afghanistan, I made the decision that nothing would change, in terms of discipline. While my kids needed lots more hugs and kisses and hand holding during the initial adjustment period, what was wrong before was still wrong after. And the consequence before remained the consequence after. My kids know I love them. They needed to know that the boundaries they've always known/had would not change. In short, I maintain predictability in their lives by NOT going easy on them when they do wrong.

I know this is a bit controversial. I am WELL AWARE of how heartbreaking it is to hear your kids talk about how much they miss their deployed parent. I've seen it and heard it from my own kids. But it can't change how I respond to them when they are out of line. Disciplining our kids is a huge part of parenting during normal times (ie... non-deployment times). It has to remain a huge part of our parenting during deployments as well. They still need to know where that boundary is. And when you do discipline them, you still tell them you love them, that you discipline them BECAUSE you love them.

In earlier blogs I've written I've talked about how important a routine is during a deployment. It benefits me as a parent and it benefits the kids. The way I see it, discipline fits into that as well. Predictability is very important to our kids. They know where they are supposed to be, what they are supposed to do. And they know what happens should they choose to do wrong. And at the end of the day, by being consistent with our discipline, we are helping our kids to grow up to be respectable adults who do the right thing. All because we love them!

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There's still more to do!

2010-05-10T17:05:00.000-07:00

Like many of you, I got a chance to see the article on my family in the Savannah Morning News today. I remember not knowing what to expect when I got the call from the writer at the paper about a month ago. Then when the interview started I was hoping that I'd have a chance to tell our story, meaning the story of the military spouse. Sure enough, the questions came up and I got to share. Some of what I said got used, some didn't. I was also quite surprised to see that the story was run on the front page! I was sure it would've been buried on something like section D right next to the updates on prices for bracelet night at the fair.

But as cool as that was, this is not all there is. This is not the pinnacle or anything even close to it. The whole point of all of this is to bring attention to military spouses, especially those who are back home during a deployment. Those of us going through a deployment understand the challenges of holding it all together for a year. But so many of us (if not nearly all of us!) feel like we are fighting this battle all alone. We're proud of our soldier spouses. But we also feel forgotten by our country. The milspouse community is very tight and stands shoulder to shoulder in this conflict. There's a great support network for those who live on post. But for those who are living off post during a deployment (like me and the kids!) the feeling of isolation can be extreme. No one around us has any clue or understanding of what it is like.

The thing is, when I first started this blog, it was just a way for me to just write and get some things off my chest. But it's grown into something far more than that. My heart's cry is to increase awareness of the life of military spouses. I want our country to realize that spouses make it possible for our soldiers to go out and do what they do. This isn't about me. It's about us. I will continue to strive and enlarge the platform that I have, to shout from the rooftops! I want our milspouses to be remembered, to be known. Our soldiers are much loved in our country, as it should be. My goal is to see the same thing for those left behind, holding everything together. There's still more to do! Our milspouses are worth it!

Let it start with you! The next time you see someone in uniform, tell them thanks for their service, then tell their families thanks for their sacrifice. You'll see their faces light up. Like I said in an earlier blog... you can serve your country simply by being there for a military spouse!

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Home is where the Army sends you (until they send you somewhere else...)

2010-05-02T17:06:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing that is constant about Army life, it's the fact that you're going to do a lot of moving. I think sometimes people don't realize how often we pack up and move on, but when I stop and think about how many moves we've made in the last 11 years, it truly is staggering. When we officially move to Fort Bragg at the end of May, it will be our 9th move in 11 years.

True, a couple of those moves have been done at the same post (intrapost move, on post to off post, etc. ). They still count as moving, though. There are always boxes to unpack, furniture to move, kids to relocate. It is always the same. And one thing that NEVER EVER changes is damage. Specifically, damage to your stuff. There's a saying in the Army...Every 4 Army moves equals a house fire. We've had bookcases that haven't survived; TVs that arrived working differently than before we moved; chairs that came off the truck with scratches, nicks, and marks they never had before. You can count on at least 5 different items that need to be replaced after every move.

And then there are the items that for whatever reason don't make the journey to your house. I've never been able to figure that one out. Take our most recent move, for instance. Our household goods were delivered last week to our home in Fort Bragg. When the driver came to the door, he explained to me that their inventory of the items coming out of storage indicated two kids chairs and one box of books were not among the items loaded on the truck. Huh? They came off the truck, went into storage, and somehow vanished. Typical. And there've been other things over the years. I imagine that's a great way to purge the amount of "stuff" that we have in our house. You just have to hope that what "vanishes" is something that really isn't that important.

And then there are the boxes. And boxes. And more boxes. There are so many boxes in a move, so many piles and piles of packing paper from those boxes. It'll make your eyes go cross after a while. Here's how it works: you'll really get into a groove and think you're making huge progress. You'll look down and see this huge pile of broken down boxes and feel good about the progress you're making. Then you'll walk out to the garage and see just how may boxes are remaining. And then you cry. I don't know how it happens or even if the laws of the universe are being broken, but somehow, some way the boxes begin multiplying after they've been delivered. There literally is no end to them. They are like rabbits. Or, more to the point, rats. You'll work until there are paper cuts on all of your fingers, until your hands are raw from breaking down boxes. And then you'll throw up your hands and say "I can't take any more. I need a break." And that's when you become "that" person who's been moved in for 2 years and yet still has unopened boxes.

With all of that in mind, imagine, if you will, trying to manage all of that by yourself. Impossible? Perhaps, but it happens all the time to men and women whose spouses are deployed. We have to take care of all of the move from start to finish by ourselves. It can seem completely overwhelming. And it doesn't just end with all of the stuff I listed above. There are also all of the places that everything has to go. Where to put the bed, the dining room table, the bookcases (those that survived), the TV. It all has to have a place to go. And we have to do it alone. This move has been especially interesting in that I'm planning on everything being put in temporary places. I fully expect my wife to come home from Afghanistan and tell me that everything is in the wrong places. Then I'll have to move it all. Again.

Honestly, I don't mind moving. Yes, all of the details that go with it are quite a hassle. But I've found that after we've been somewhere for a couple of years, I get a bit stir crazy and ready to go somewhere else. There've been a couple of exceptions. Charlottesville, VA and Kansas City were really special places that I wouldn't have minded staying in. Other places, like West Point, NY and Fort Leonard Wood, MO I only liked in my rear view mirror as we were leaving. What's more, moving is all that my kids have ever known, so it comes naturally to them. Better still, when they move to a new post, every kid around them has done lots of moves. And when they start a new school, at least a third of the kids in their classes are new, just like them. So they don't get stressed or worried about moving any more. But, remember, kids are incredibly adaptable and are far more resilient than we are.

We have 5 more years left until my wife hits 20. As of now, we're looking at that date as the end. We carry the burden of being in the military and we don't complain. But it does take it's toll. After a while I do get tired of it all. Traveling around the country and living in new places is great. I do, however, want to finally settle down and plant some roots somewhere. There've been a couple of places so far in our Army career that have been very appealing. And staying put isn't a big deal when the kids are in elementary school. Once they reach high school, though, they are going to want to make close friends and graduate with them. I'd hate to think that any of my kids would have to PCS right after their junior year in high school. I had to go to a new school for my senior year. It was really tough. It's nearly impossible to break into the groupings and relationships that have formed over the years when you're new and a senior. My oldest is finishing up third grade, so we still have some time to think about where we want to be. But when we reach 2015 and we have the option to retire, he'll be finishing up 8th grade and ready to start high school. So... we'll see. Besides, I'm sure there'll be a couple of moves in between now and then!

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Staying home and raising kids in the military

2010-04-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

I think that one of the most typical features of the milspouse is that they are stay-at-home parents. I've found that over the past 10 years or so that no less than 90% of the spouses that I've met that had children raised those kids full time. In fact, at our last duty station (Fort Leavenworth) I only knew of 1 spouse who actually worked a full time job. All of the rest stayed home with the kids. For some reason, that never even registered with me. I never gave it a second thought. But more recently as I've been writing this blog I've started thinking about the issues that are part of our lives, and that is one of them. Why is it that nearly all milspouses stay home and raise the kids? It certainly isn't typical of the civilian world, not even close. In fact, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 62% of married couples with children under the age of 18 have both husband and wife working. And yet, a vast majority of milspouses don't work, especially those that have kids. I've often wondered if my reasons for staying home were unique. I don't think they are.

The challenges that face a military spouse are many. From deployments to frequent moves, we have had to become some of the most adaptable people in the country. But the challenges that we face in terms of the business world and actually having a "career" are even more daunting. Few people outside the military can even begin to comprehend. It's a journey that I've been on for the last 11 years since I married into the Army and one that I'll continue until the day when my wife retires. And what I've found during that time is this: our reasons for staying home are very similar more times than not.

Most of us had careers, or at least jobs before we got married. I did. I was a teacher. I loved what I did. It was the only job I've ever had that I looked forward to going to work every day. After we got married, we still lived in Savannah, so I kept working. Then our first MOVE came. See, in most cases, the Army moves us either in mid Summer or mid Winter. It was mid Summer for us. Problem is, schools hire new teachers in the Spring. So when we got to our new duty station in July, all of the teaching positions were already filled. And there I was, out of work!

I figured I'd just bide my time and then get a job wherever we moved next. Then came the greatest words I've ever heard a doctor say: "Yep, you guys are pregnant!" That led to the inevitable conversation about what we were going to do. At that point, my wife owed the Army too much time so getting out wasn't an option for her. Since a good paying job wasn't available to me where we were (they don't call Fort Leonard Wood 'Fort Lost in the Woods' for nothing...) my options were limited. We came to realize that if I were to get a job I would only make enough to pay for day care for my soon to arrive son. And since my wife made pretty good money as a captain (she more than doubled my meager salary as a teacher), we decided I'd stay home and raise the kiddo. At first, this wasn't really what I wanted, but I figured it was what we needed to do, at least for then.

I think that's a huge reason so many spouses choose to stay home instead of venturing out into the work force. We move so often and to so many different places; finding a meaningful and satisfying job is next to impossible. For starters, who wants to hire an employee to a good paying job when that employee isn't going to stay with the company for more than 2 or 3 years? And then when we move we end up starting all over again. It can be a very depressing cycle of frustration. So we decide we'll stay home and raise the kids. We'll forgo a career and instead support our soldier spouse as they do their thing.

Our family dynamics have changed as well. Military families are having more kids. In the 2000 census, only two states in the nation had families that averaged more than 1 child per household. The military average is over two children per household. Again, I'll relate something from my experience. At the last two duty stations we've been at I never saw a family with only one child. NEVER. In fact, the families with two children were in the MINORITY!!! Three kids seemed to be the average, with many having four like us. With more children comes the cost of those kids, especially where child care is concerned. More and more milspouses stay home and raise kids simply because the cost of putting them in day care while we work just doesn't make sense.

While there's a ton of other reasons why milspouses decide to stay home instead of work, I can only speculate on why each individual spouse decides to stay home instead of going out each day to work. For me, I've come to not just accept that my career won't ever be measured in dollar signs, but in the successes and milestones of my kids. I won't lie and say that I've always been at peace with what I do. Early on I really didn't want to stay at home. I wanted a career outside of the home. My outlook began to change, however, with the site of each of my kids as they took their first steps, rolled over for the first time, and said their first words. I've been witness to each and every "first" of my kids. I'll treasure each and every one of those memories. I'm glad I was there to see them.

We stay at home for many different reasons. And while I can't speak for my fellow milspouses, I can say without a doubt that I am completely content with what I do. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Ok, maybe if some famous rock star offered me millions of dollars to go on tour with him as his bass player I might reconsider... But other than that I am content to raise my kids and serve my country by supporting my soldier wife. And I'll never regret it!

The Ups and Downs of a Deployment

2010-04-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing that is certain for a spouse in a deployment, it's the fact that your good days will be followed by bad days, only then to be followed by good days again. What I've found to be the case, in fact, is that there are very few days that aren't either really great or really bad. Now, I know that sounds like I'm a bit on the bipolar side. But every spouse I've talked to says the same thing. Tons of highs and lows, not too many days that are just ok.

The picture to the left is a great example of what my experience so far has been like. It never seems like I have plain and simple ordinary days. There've been some really rockin' days, and some days that I wish I'd never gotten out of bed. But not too many ho-hum days.

One of the reasons that life is like this during a deployment is related to the stress we all feel when we aren't able to communicate with our spouses. Some of the worst days are when I don't get to talk to my wife. Not only are all of the things that I want to share with her on hold, but inevitably the thoughts of bad things come to mind. Why hasn't she called? Is she hurt? Has something happened? WHAT'S GOING ON??? When several days go by without any contact, life becomes increasingly darker. I think of the worst case scenario. That's also when we as deployment spouses feel most alone. Our friends and family simply can't relate or understand to that kind of anguish. The only people who understand are those who are in the same situation.

Then there's the fact that we are spending each and every day apart from our spouse. When we aren't in a deployment, life takes on a normal routine. Major ups and downs are replaced with much smaller good days and not so good days. More likely, though, is that days are simply regular. Neither up nor down. In other words, life is as it should be. But life without our spouses around is very different. There's no one to share the load. There's no one to confide in or joke with. It's life alone. So when things go right for us, it actually can be quite exciting, and when things go wrong, depression is a real threat.

I remember the days leading up to R & R. Most of them were filled with excitement as we counted down the days and got everything ready. I remember sitting around and thinking how hard it was to wait until she got home! And then R & R came and went. The weeks following it were very tough. Knowing that we'd once again be apart for more months ahead was depressing in the extreme. Here's a key example from what was probably the worst day in the last 3 months:

I had gotten the kids to bed and decided I'd go out and chill at a pizza place nearby (my folks were there with the kids). I sat down at my table and realized that across from me was a couple. They weren't married but obviously were on a date. They were very much in love. And there I was, thinking of how much I missed my wife. You can imagine the pain that I felt that night. You see, there are always things around us that act as reminders of the pain that always lurks just below the surface, waiting to jump out and drag us down into the pit of despair. There've been many days when I simply got the kids in bed, then went to bed as well, even before the sun went down.
Finally, the daily lives of our kids can affect us in ways that we never realized. When our kids come home with awesome report cards or have a triumph in their after school sport, that serves as a huge lift for us. I've never been more proud of my kids than this past year for their events with football and Tae Kwon Do. Seeing them succeed really put a smile on my face. In much the same way, when they are down or out of sorts, it can really bring me down. When they are having a bad day and can't seem to listen or follow ever the simplest of instructions, my days can go downhill quickly. When they are sick, my stress levels increase. When they fight with one another my temper gets shorter and shorter. And then before you know it, I've yelled at them and ripped them. I then feel like the worst parent around. You see, it's so easy to take your stress out on them when they are pushing the limits and not getting along. And then you reach the end of the day and feel the tears welling up in your eyes because of the lousy day and the longing for it all to just be over.

The silver lining to all of this is the simple realization that these extreme days never last. As bad as today might have been, tomorrow might be amazingly good. I've found that while the really good days never last, neither do the really bad days. It's up to us to navigate through them and make the best of each and every day, good or bad. More to the point, we need to realize that there are other spouses out there going through the very same things. While we may feel alone, we never truly are. Military spouses understand each other better than anyone on the outside ever could. Take heart... you are not alone.

Some People Just Don't Get It.

2010-04-11T16:22:00.000-07:00

I try my best to be someone who is fairly even keel. I really don't get upset very often. Sure, like everyone else I can get irritated with people or disappointed when someone lets me down. We all do that. But most of the time I can just let stuff roll right off of me.

HOWEVER, one thing that has really been getting to me of late is how so many people who say they "support" the military have absolutely no clue what it's like to be a military spouse, especially one who is doing his (or her to my female spouse friends!) best to make it while being separated for a year long deployment. And while I really do try not to let most things get to me, when it comes to how military spouses are treated, I have a very short fuse.

So many people today talk about how much they love and support our military. I think some of that is probably a realization of how some in our country really blew it at the end of the Vietnam War. Collectively, we as a country have vowed never to take the sacrifice of our soldiers for granted again. And everywhere you turn our troops are showered with love and appreciation. Somehow, though, that same emotion is absent when it comes to the families. "You mean those soldiers have families???" Or, at least that's how it feels...

I get really uptight when I hear people who try to compare their temporary struggles with what we as deployment spouses go through. Even worse, I've had people who tell me they understand what I'm going through because they know someone deployed or they have a cousin who is deployed. Unbelievable. How that can compare is beyond me.

Only a military spouse knows what it is like to wonder if that ringing of the phone is going to be the call telling him/her that their soldier has been killed in combat. How many times does the average person hear the phone ringing and wonder the same thing? I recently asked someone that very question. All I got back was silence.

I know there are many, many single parents in our country. Not too many, though, go from happily married to single parent over night. Granted, it does happen, but not often. But that is an every day occurrence in the military. Because that's what happens when our soldier gets on that plane and deploys. There's no sharing of custody, no "gonna drop them off at my ex's for the weekend." We are left to raise them the best we can by ourselves. True, many of us do get help from our families. Many more don't.

There are some who will tell us something like, "well, if you think you've got it bad..." and then proceed to advise us on how we should be reacting. That's the sort of thing that really gets me angry. You see, you really have no business trying to give advice on a subject in which you have no experience. It would be a bit like me advising a woman on the finer points of nursing a baby. Any woman would look at me like I'm crazy. But there are plenty of people willing to tell us how we should be getting along while our spouses are deployed. They really just don't get it.

What most people don't realize is that spouses don't really need advice. We don't need helpful hints on how we should be doing this. What we need is support and compassion. I don't need someone telling me what I should or shouldn't do. I don't need someone telling me that they understand my struggle when the truth is they have absolutely NO IDEA what I'm going through. No military spouse needs that.

What we need is someone who will be there for us to listen, and not speak. Someone who will lend us an ear when we are going through one of the valleys that are so often encountered throughout this year long struggle. What we need are people who will simply be there for us when we need a shoulder to cry on, someone who will come over and pour the wine or open the beer and let us rant about the day we had. That's one reason that I miss the military community so much. Living on post or near a post means that you are surrounded by, or at least close to, people who are walking the same path you are. You're not alone. See, that feeling of being alone can be so strong in a deployment. We need that hand to help us back on our feet, not the one that points at us and lectures us.

So remember: if you've never been through a deployment, then you really aren't qualified to give advice to a spouse who is. Regardless of what you think, you really can't relate to our situation. Don't pretend you can. The best thing you can do is simply be there. Listen to us. Be there for us when we are down. Offer help without advice. Be a friend, not an instructor. Serving your country doesn't have to mean you put on a uniform. You can serve your country by simply being there for a military spouse.

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I never thought I'd miss living on post...

2010-04-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

There are lots of opinions when it comes to living on post in a military community. Some people say they will never live off post while they are still in, while others swear they will never live on post. And, it seems, there's a whole range of opinions and views in between. Having lived both on and off post during the course of our military career, I've always had a bit of a mixed view. On one side, you can't beat the convenience. On the other, well, your neighbors might as well be roommates as close as you live to one another. And, lets not forget about those paper thin walls in those duplexes and apartments. I love how when you sneeze, someone on the other side of the wall says "bless you!" Yes, that's actually happened to me!

Having spent many years living on post, I really thought I was ready to be away from it all. Privacy is something that can't be overlooked. And then there's what is known as "courtyard drama". Those of you who have lived on post know EXACTLY what that is. One family has the kids who destroy everything. Another can't seem to park where they are supposed to...ever. Another lets their dog poop wherever they happen to be and then "neglect" to clean up after said dog. And let's not forget the busybody. You know, the one who has to air everyone else's dirty laundry to all of the other residents. That's the person who doesn't feel good enough about himself/herself when it comes to making friends, so they adopt the divide and conquer mentality and turn each family against the other. Then there's the family in your duplex that always has their TV too loud. Actually, that was me once or twice (sorry about that Noreen...). But I digress. The point is, when you live on post, you're far more likely to have issues with your neighbors than you would if you were off post. That's probably because you practically live on top of each other in on-post housing.

So with that in mind, you can understand how some would never want to live on post again. You also have to keep in mind that many families want to have their house exactly as they like it (painting, wallpaper, etc.) which isn't an option on many Army instillations. I know I've thought many times about how I'd like to have my own house to that I can have a nice, large garden and a spacious garage.

But as this year has progressed, I've found myself missing the sense of community that living on post offers. When you live off post, you seldom have much to do with your neighbors. On post, however, is totally different. There are always tons of kids for my children to play with. And I truly miss the after dark social time... when we'd all sit around a fire pit and have some beers and shoot the breeze. The truth is, when you live on post, you already have a ton in common with your neighbors. Let me list out some of the awesome things that we've missed out on this year while we've been in Savannah:

1. Halloween

Halloween has to be one of my favorite days of the year on post. First, it is a totally safe environment for the kids to trick or treat in. Seriously... who's gonna try ANYTHING when the area is swarming with MPs? And then, let's not forget about trick-or-beer which is the pastime of most dads on post on Halloween. Good times! Another aspect is that when you're out walking around, so is everyone else. You end up seeing and saying hello to so many people you know. It's a great time!

2. Kids, kids, and more kids!

You can't understand how many kids there are on post. In all the years we lived on post I've never known my kids to be at a loss for someone to play with. Countless days there'd be tons of kids running back and forth across the yards on our street. When we lived close to the school, all of the playmates would walk to school together in the mornings, the home together in the afternoons. Sure, there'd be arguments and disagreements. But after seven months of living off post and many (if not most) days having no one to play with, my kids are ready to get back to a kid filled neighborhood!

3. Families that can relate

One of the great things about moving on post after a PCS move is that when the kids start school they will absolutely NOT be the only new kids that year. Most on post schools experience something like a 30% turnover rate each year. That means when my kids start school this Fall at least one third of their classes will be new kids... just like them!

4. You're never alone

This is especially true in time of war. A deployment has become a part of a military family's life. Some Army families are on their 4th deployment. The pain of separation and the trials that go along with it are tough to deal with. On post, though, you're never alone. Often, there are many who are going through it at the same time. And those that aren't have been down that road and know what you're going through. What's more, on post schools are trained and experienced in dealing with kids who have a parent(s) deployed.

Now, I know full well that nothing and no one is perfect. And, like I said at the beginning of this blog, there are things that really suck about living on post. That said, I never imagined I would miss living on post and in a military community until I had to do it this year. I have to say that I am really looking forward to being around Army folks again. I'm looking forward to having my kids being around military kids again, too. But most importantly, I'm really excited about being around folks who are dealing with the same issues as me, people who can perfectly relate to the challenges of spending a year holding the house together while our spouses are deployed. You see, military families...well, they are some of the best folks in the world!

Reflections on R & R Part 3: The good, the bad, and the really bad

2010-04-04T17:01:00.000-07:00

When you've waited as long as we had for our reunion, all you think of is all of the fun things you and the family are going to do while R & R is going on. I know that I did. I had so many ideas as to what things were going to be like, it never occurred to me that things would turn out a bit differently. The first R & R blog I wrote talked all about expectations and reality. While that was more about what the reunion was like, there are a lot more facets to the expectations I (and my wife as well) had. You see, I've learned that things almost never turn out as well as you expect them to. Life is full of bad turns and potholes. For some reason, though, I can't seem to remember this when some big event, like R & R, is coming up. Like the kid on the left, I just imagine every white glob dropping from the sky is a delicious snowflake. Most of the time, though, I end up swallowing a great big bird turd.

Now, don't get me wrong. Our two weeks together was just what we needed. It was so awesome to be together again, to sleep in a bed that wasn't empty on one side. It was just great. I loved every minute of our reunion. And the kids were so thrilled to have their mommy home. But, as you can imagine, the times in our lives that we need everything to go right are the times when they seldom do. And that, I'm sad to say, was the case in our house.

We spent two really great days together before we came home to see the kids. Another day with the kids and things were really going smoothly. After that.... well, then the "bad" hit. Saturday evening my youngest decided that he didn't want to keep any food in his stomach. Yep, it was bad. Keep in mind, now, that on Monday we were supposed to leave for Great Wolf Lodge. Knowing how these bugs usually run their course, we should've been ok. Except we weren't. Sunday saw more of the same from him. So that pushed our trip back a day.

On Monday, he was better, so we just decided we'd go our for dinner at Outback (where else?). There we were, sitting at the table, waiting on our food. Yep, you guessed it. He spews all over the table. Well, we still left the next day (Tuesday). And yes, he hurled on the way. Good times. Fortunately, that was the last of it. He slept once we got to GWL and I stayed in the room with him while my wife took the other 3 into the water park and played. After that, he was able to hold everything down and started feeling better.

If that'd been the only problem we faced then the week would have been a success. Alas, though, troubles seldom come in anything less than pairs (or 3s and 4s). Such was the case with us. We arrived at GWL only to find that our credit card wouldn't work any more. Our bank had shut it down because someone in a warehouse (I kid you not) in London was charging cash advances on them. Fortunately, it was 4 charges for 2 cents each, meaning they were trying to see if the card number was good. But there we were, 300 miles from home with a credit card that didn't work. Long story short, our bank agreed to remove the block whenever we called to make a purchase and then replace the block. This meant I'd have to call every time I needed to use it, but it's better than having someone in London buying God knows what.

Now you could enjoy you time... you might be thinking. Not. So. Fast. The next day (Wednesday) my financial advisor at the bank called to work out the details of getting us new cards. He was super helpful and we were scheduled to get our new cards right after we got back home. Ah...if only things could've been that easy. You see, I didn't realize that when you order new cards due to fraud you old cards are IMMEDIATELY shut down permanently. So there we were, that evening, sitting in Olive Garden and I call the bank so they can lift the block so I can pay. Sorry sir, they are shut down permanently. Now, you can imagine my level of panic. How was I supposed to pay for my dinner??? While I was trying to come up with an answer, my oldest says to me "daddy...I need to go throw up!" At least he made it to the bathroom. So he's puking and I can't pay for my dinner. This is not how I envisioned R & R progressing! So, after much begging and pleading, the bank allowed my to go to an ATM and make ONE withdrawal. Of course, I had to leave my family at the restaurant while I went driving around to find an ATM. Again... good times.

We spent 4 days (3 nights) at GWL. I think I spent a grand total of 5 hours in the water park. The rest of the time was spent in the hotel room with one of the two sick kids. I wasn't about to make my wife spend that time in the room. This was her R & R and she wasn't going to be spending it in a hotel room. So it was left to me. I didn't really mind. I wanted her to enjoy her time with the kids, so, to me, the boredom was worth it if she and the kids had a good time.

We headed home on Friday. Not to be outdone by the kids, the bug hit me on the way home. South Carolina's exits and rest stops will never be the same. Twice I didn't even make it to the rest stops. It was probably the most miserable 4 hour drive I've ever made. We made it home and I went to bed and slept for almost 20 hours. Again, not exactly how I had planned to spend R & R. For me, the trip was almost a complete loss. I barely got into the water park with the kids and spent the majority of the time in a hotel room. And then sick on the way home.

That's ok, though. My wife had a great time and the kids were so thrilled to spend that time with her. So it all worked out...for them. Me... I took one for the team. And then another. And then another. Looking back, I smile at the bad fortune. And that's what you have to do. Because what else can you do except laugh about it now? The rest of our time together was uneventful and all the kids were healthy. So all's well that ends well. And the moral of our R & R? Expect your kids, and perhaps yourself, to get really sick when you really need everyone to be healthy! Oh, and have a back up credit card as well!

Reflections on R & R Part 2: Routines vs Spontaneity

2010-04-01T16:46:00.000-07:00

As you may have read from one of my previous blogs our lives thus far in this deployment have been governed by routines. It's how we've been able to get through. Routines make the time go by faster and bring a sense of order to what has the opportunity to be a very chaotic year. We do certain things on certain days at certain times of the day. Without that, life would be much more difficult, and this year would be all about survival and nothing more.

After 7 and a half months of doing things one way, you can imagine how tough it would be to suddenly change over night. Some people can roll with the punches. Me...not so much. Any disruption in the way I do things really throws me for a loop. And that is EXACTLY what happened after those first few days of R & R. When my wife came off the plane, she and I set two days aside for some "us" time. It was wonderful getting reacquainted and rekindling the romance that had been dormant while she was gone. Life was blissful again. Then we came home and there was a joyous reunion withe the kids. Such a happy day.

But several factors conspired against my sanity. First was the fact that my wife was home and she had no idea what our routines were. As much as I tried to explain those routines to her over the phone during the weeks leading up to her trip home, it is impossible for her to be ready to fit right into them when she stepped off the plane. She was ready to just take "the leap" with the kids and do whatever came to mind. Second was the revenge of teachers on parents...also known as Spring Break. Now, in fairness, we planned my wife's R & R around the kids' spring break. What a great idea, I thought. What it amounted to was a whole bunch of changes in our lives in a very short time. I thought my head was going to explode.

I remember about 4 days into R & R thinking "all my routines are being blasted to pieces right now" and wondering if I was going to survive. And that's the craziest thing about this whole episode. R & R was supposed to be the happiest time of the deployment. A reunion with mommy, a family finally whole again. And yet, I was feeling more and more stressed by the minute. Things weren't happening when they were supposed to. Bed times were being bypassed, dinner wasn't taking place at the time it was supposed to, and I felt like I had lost complete control over how our house was being run.

Now, I know what you're probably thinking..."dude... loosen up some! it's R & R for crying out loud! Let it go!" And in my mind, I knew that was the answer. But when you've done something the same way for more than half a year you can't just let it go and not feel some stress during the process. You work so hard to build up something that will enable you and the kids the make it through a year without your spouse and then watch as it is all swept aside in a manner of hours. Talk about inner turmoil!

It was my good friend Melissa Seligman who gave me the best advice. She said, "try to let those routines slip. I KNOW that is hard, and I understand the pain of rebuilding them. But, if you keep the routines on your mind the entire time, you will regret that when she leaves. Try to live in that moment with her. See it as building a memory. Not destroying a routine." Absolutely brilliant. And it made all the difference.

I made up my mind to make R & R about her and her only. As I said in my last blog I had tons of expectations about what those 15 days were going to be like. I came to the conclusion, though, that this week was not going to be about us. It was going to be about her. I wanted these two weeks to be as meaningful to her as I could possibly make them. She was home to rest, relax, and reconnect with her family. I was going to do everything in my power to make that possible even if it meant my routines got blasted for a little while. I found a new determination to make this as happy a time for her as I was capable of. Melissa's advice was the very thing I needed to hear. I found the ability to be content in the knowledge that this was a time to be spontaneous and loose instead of routine driven. Like the picture of the kid above, I found peace. And R & R became exactly what we all needed. Sure, it ended too soon. But I can look back on it and smile. 7 and a half months of waiting and working and sticking to routines passed into memory. And for 2 weeks, life was as it should be.

Reflections on R & R Part 1: Expectations and Reality

2010-03-28T16:25:00.001-07:00

I can't remember many things in my life that I've anxiously waited for quite like I did for R&R. We began the countdown to my wife's return home way back in January. Each day that past was another crossed off the calendar. As the days got closer, the waiting got harder. It's hard to imagine being more ready for anything like I was for her to come home. And then, it finally happened. She came home. And what followed was probably two of the happiest weeks of our marriage. But they weren't without their own issues. You see, both of us had expectations for what life would be like, both of us had imagined what the reunion would be like. Like so many things in our lives, though, reality is usually a lot different from what our expectations are. And to start this blog series I'd like to talk about the contrast between the two.

When you are going through something like we are, a year apart from your spouse who is in a war, the only thing certain is that you will change as a person. There's no way to avoid it. Now, sometimes you change for the worse. Many of us who've lived in a military community for years know of those examples. Some marriages don't survive the year long deployment. Some people don't remain faithful to their spouse while they are apart. Other times, like in my case, you change for the better. Whatever the case may be, change occurs. What that means is you aren't the same person that your spouse left. Sure, you talk on the phone often and do skype and all those VTC things. But that's not the same as being there. I've learned to raise 4 children all alone this year. I've been through a lot and have grown a ton. All of that is related to the experiences I've had this year. And everything I've experienced has been by myself.

What this all means is you and I, the spouse back home in this war, have to allow our soldier the chance to get to know us again, to get used to the changes in us. Unfortunately, our expectations are that when our spouse gets off the plane they will know exactly who we are and where we are coming from. What's more, our spouses have been in a combat environment for so many months that they aren't the same person either. So they aren't completely the same person either. What you have, then, is two people who have changed over the course of the deployment and need to get reacquainted. Both of us probably thought we'd be seeing the same person who we saw 7 months ago.

So you can see how the expectations of us picking right up where we left off was completely unrealistic. What I found to be the case was this: the first couple of days together are blissfully happy. They are filled with joy and peace as we finally got to see each other and hold each other again after so long apart. Since we spent the first two days without the kids, this an even better reunion. It was like a honeymoon! The next few days, however, were a little bit strained as she had to become acquainted with our routines and methods. When you are raising 4 kids on your own, you are bound to do things differently than you did as a couple. It's only natural. And that was our situation.

The next few days were really a readjustment period. And it was more on her part that ours as she was kind of forced to come to grips with our way of doing things. That said, she was prepared for it as I explained to her in the weeks leading up to R & R that she would need to adopt a guest mentality when she arrived. Now, you might think that was mean or unreasonable, but in light of what I wrote above, you can see the logic. We have our way of doing things right now and that way is meant to get us through. I remember telling her that I'd be completely open to discussing changes in the way we do things when she came home for good later this year, but this was how things were going to be until then. To her credit (she's such a better person than I am!) she was completely on board with this.

After the readjustment period things really smoothed out and we had a great time together as a family. Our R & R (I say our because it was a break for both of us from this deployment) was exactly what we needed. Sure, it did take a couple of days for us to get reacquainted and get back into the "married" mentality. But the fact that we were able to is a testament to the strength of our marriage. You see, I will go to the ends of the earth for my wife. My love for her means I'll make whatever adjustment I need to so that she can feel at home. No, it isn't always easy. But she's worth it. What's more, she feels the same way. I remember her telling me "I want to be a part of your routines, not interrupt them, or, more importantly, disrupt them." She understood how important our routines are to us as we carry on while she's gone. Readjustment is easy when both of us realize that the other isn't quite the same person any more. One thing that never changes for us, though, is how much we love and support each other. And that's what helps get us through this deployment!

Deployments and youth sports

2010-03-26T05:04:00.000-07:00

If you've been reading my previous series about deployments (Deployment Doesn't Equal Defeat!) you'll remember that I closed out each blog with the statement "life goes on". And that's the essential truth to living back home and raising kids while our spouses are deployed. Just because they are gone doesn't mean everything here just sort of stops. Far from it. In fact, all of the extra curricular activities that our kids are part of become even more important during this time. Not only do they give our kids the "enrichment" part of it, but these activities also allow our children to funnel some of that stress and worry about their mommies and daddies being gone into physical endeavors. Most of us use our time at the gym to blast away some stress. Why would we ever think that our kids are any different? After school sports are vital to our kids being able to get rid of their stress.

Of course, this is all well and good from a theoretical standpoint. Putting it into action, well, that's sometimes a different argument. 8 months into this deployment has taught me that getting the kids to their respective after school stuff is a bit like juggling fire. You really, Really, REALLY hope you get it right! When you don't, it sure can be painful!

The first thing you have to remember is that you really can't do this alone, especially if you have several children. As you probably know, I have 4. Going into this year, I decided that my two oldest, (8 and 6) would do most of the sports while the two youngest (5 and 3) would take the year off. We started with my oldest getting signed up for football. He loves football and is getting better at it. And I thought this would work out just right because they had practice on Mondays and Wednesdays. My 6 year old really wanted to start martial arts, and I was able to get him signed up for Tuesdays and Thursdays. No problems, right? Well, not exactly. See... we've always been a family that eats dinner a bit on the early side, like around 5 o'clock. However, football practice started at 5:30, and they practiced 15 minutes away. Factor that in with the fact that we were getting home from school at around 3:15 and you can imagine that 2 hour block in between school and practice was always rushed. And dinner always ended up being even earlier on those days.

So once I got that schedule under control I imagined we could settle into a nice routine and everything would be fine. Right? Uh...not so much. See, Savannah experienced one of the wettest summers on record. That means lots of rainouts and rescheduled practices. And they rescheduled them for the following day. On a Tuesday or Thursday. Oh yeah, did I mention that my 6 year old's Tae Kwon Do classes started at 6 o'clock on Tuesday and Thursday?

This is why I brought up the help issue. See, if you're going to make sure your kids are involved in after school activities, then you're going to need help doing it. Fortunately, my folks have been completely supportive of these things. They would drop what they were doing and make sure that while I took one kid to one thing, the other would get to his activity on those conflict days.

When we first got to Savannah I had this mind set that I would not impose or trouble any one else to help me out. I would just have to find a way to make it through. What a mistake that would've been. As deployment spouses, we have to ask for help during these times when we can't be in two places at once. There are plenty of people who are willing to help us out with a little carpool action. Family and friends are there for us when we need them. Never be afraid to ask someone to help out or to step in and take a kid to a sport. I've found that there are so many people who stand ready to stop what they are doing and lend a hand to a spouse in a deployment who needs help getting a kid somewhere.

So here we are, 8 months later and still going strong. My kids have thrived during this deployment and will come through this year being better kids than they were before the deployment. And to tell the truth, coming to Savannah to be with family was always about them. My concern for the year was not really about how I would do as much as it was about how they would do. I'm glad I came. And now the kids will have some amazing memories from this year. And me...well, I've only gotten burned by those fire-sticks a couple of times!